


Walk Tall

by Calysta18



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 62,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9871673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calysta18/pseuds/Calysta18
Summary: Jensen and Jared are both broken - will they find love with each other





	1. The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted at Sinful Desire - which is now closed. An old story with a new home!

 

"And just what was wrong with that one?" Jim Beaver stabbed at a finger at the closing door to make his point. "He seemed kinda nice." It was the end to a very long day and Jim was tired and frustrated.

"He looked at me funny," the voice behind him said. The tone was sulky but Jim could hear an element of defeat and hurt and it made his heart ache for his friend. But it didn't stop him from being angry and frustrated. Jim whirled on his friend glaring at him. "He looked at you funny? Is that it?" he said angrily. Jim scrubbed a hand over his face trying to calm himself down. He stared at the younger man sitting behind the desk idly scribbling in his notebook avoiding looking at him directly. Jensen Ackles, son of his best friend, was being awkward, hard-headed and stubborn. He was definitely his father's son Jim thought with a sigh. But Jim knew why Jensen was being stubborn, even understood why but it didn't make things easier or lessen his frustration.

Jim slumped down in the chair by the desk and stared at his friend moodily. Jensen ignored him still scribbling in his notebook. Jim sighed. Jensen Ackles was going to be the death of him. Jim let his mind wander as he fought the urge to strangle his friend for being so stubborn. His eyes roamed around the room smiling as they settled on the black letters etched into the glass of the window behind Jensen - AB Detective Agency. His best friend, and Jensen's father, had started the detective business the year after Jensen had been born. Back then it had just been him and Philip Ackles taking on the cases others wouldn't touch, the darker and more dangerous cases. They had built up a reputation of sorts and had made a decent living for themselves. But then Philip had gotten sick and Jensen had taken six months leave from his own career in the police department to help Jim with the Agency. It had been a temporary measure but Philip had deteriorated suddenly and died leaving all his assets to his only son. Instead of selling the Agency, as Jim had expected and going back to his own career, Jensen had resigned from the police force turning his efforts to making the Agency the best in a hundred mile radius and he had succeeded. Three years later the business was extremely successful, had a reputation second to none and it was all down to Jensen's stubborn and focussed determination. Including Jim, who Jensen had immediately made an equal partner something Philip Ackles had never considered in over twenty years, the Agency employed eight detectives, all from different walks of life, and all contributing their own skills and unique talents to the renown and success of the business.

Jim shook himself out of his thoughts. He glanced up at Jensen again who was now staring at his computer screen, no doubt scanning his eyes over the accounts or something similar. The last eighteen months had been tough for the younger man but his problems hadn't deterred Jensen from concentrating all his efforts on the business. If anything he had become even more focussed on the Agency and building its reputation, becoming a workaholic, and ignoring Jim's pleas to relax and take it easy. Jim knew why, even understood why - Jensen needed to prove to others and himself that he was capable. It frustrated the hell out of Jim and he was concerned that Jensen was working himself towards an early grave.

Jim sighed again trying not to be irritated with his friend and his behaviour. But it didn't change the fact that Jensen needed an assistant. Jensen knew it. Jim knew it. But so far their search had been fruitless and it hadn't helped that Jensen had moodily glared and scowled at every prospective employee. He had hardly said a word leaving all the talking to Jim. They had spent the day interviewing, ten people in total, and Jensen hadn't liked any of them for some reason or another and it was beginning to get Jim down. He and his new wife, Samantha, were leaving on a month long trip and he needed to know that Jensen would be looked after when he was gone. Jim couldn't help worrying about Jensen. He knew that the younger man could look after himself but some of his needs were even beyond his pig-headed stubbornness. Frustration and worry battled each other in his head making Jim feel slightly dizzy. Jim blew out a long calming breath. "Jensen," he said patiently. "We have to find you an assistant. I'm gonna be gone in two days."

"I know that," Jensen looked up irritated. "I didn't like any of them. OK?" he snapped.

"If we can't find an assistant," Jim said calmly. He left the silent threat in the air.

"I can look after myself," Jensen interrupted with a pout. He knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't help himself. He felt trapped. On one hand he wanted Jim to go on his trip and wasn't so selfish to deny his friend his vacation but on the other hand Jensen didn't want a stranger helping him. It made his blood run cold and he shivered slightly. He only really trusted Jim and he didn't want or need anyone else. "You're only gonna be away for a month."

"I know," Jim said patiently. "But I'll feel better if you have the help. Humour an old man."

Jensen glared at Jim. "I don't need a baby sitter," he persisted scowling. "And I'll manage." In truth, Jensen wasn't so sure that he could cope entirely on his own but he was determined. Hard-headedness ran in his family and he was determined to show everyone that he wasn't as helpless as they all seemed to think. He scowled at Jim again.

"I know you don't need a baby sitter," Jim responded patiently ignoring the look on Jensen's face. "But you do need an assistant. Someone to help you out. Don't be so damn stubborn and pick one," he poked a finger at the pile of applications.

"I told you," Jensen's green eyes flashed with anger. "I didn't like any of them. They all sucked," he pushed the pile of applications to one side glaring at them as if pulling a face at them would make them disappear. He had seen it, seen it etched on every face that they had interviewed - pity. Jensen shouldn't have been surprised - he had become used to seeing the pity and sympathy on strangers' faces. They judged him before he had even opened his mouth and it still hurt, still made him feel useless and broken. He hated it but it made him even more determined to prove that he was capable and self-sufficient and he had the bruises to prove it. Jensen grimaced at the thought. He scowled at the pile of applications again. He had wanted to scream at them all but had resisted the urge settling for glaring and remaining silent instead. Jensen was tired and he scrubbed a hand over his face as he looked back at Jim.

Jim leaned over the desk pushing the applications back in front of Jensen. "Choose a damn assistant," he said. "Or I'll choose one for you," he threatened. "And I know some great female mud wrestlers."

Jensen ignored the threat of the mud wrestlers. "Don't treat me like a child," he snapped. "I hate it when you do that. I'm not a child."

"Well you're kinda acting like one now," Jim accused. He could feel his temper boiling. "I gave you the choice. Either you pick one... or I will." He knew, deep down, that Jensen wasn't being unreasonable on purpose, knew that the younger man had trust issues and if he was really honest with himself none of the candidates really impressed him and probably wouldn't have lasted a day with Jensen and his acidic tongue.

Jensen's snarky reply was interrupted by a knock on the office door. "What?" Jim yelled as he turned towards the door. "This isn't over," he threw over his shoulder at Jensen.

"Sorry," the young man at the door apologised. "Your secretary Mrs Devine said it was OK to come in.... I'll come back later," he started to back out of the door.

"No. No," Jim smiled at the young man who was nervously shifting from foot to foot in the doorway. "Loretta's just gonna love you if you keep using those nice manners and calling her Mrs Devine," he waved the young man into the room. Jim narrowed his eyes as he studied the young man carefully. He was freakishly tall and rangy looking and it appeared that a decent meal wouldn't go amiss. Dressed casually in worn jeans, a t-shirt and sweater with a light summer jacket, Jim had the feeling that the young man was carrying his whole life in the two bags he had with him, one slung over his shoulder, the other clutched in one hand. He had kind pale coloured eyes and an untidy mop of brown hair which framed his angular face. "Don't mind me. Mr. Ackles and I were just having a difference of opinion. He could use some of your manners," he said ignoring the death glare Jensen shot his way. "What can we do for you?" Jim asked.

"Mrs Devine said you were looking for help," the young man explained biting at his lip nervously. "And..... well I need a job." His expression was earnest and for some reason Jim wouldn't be able to explain to anyone he immediately warmed to the younger man.

"What's your name son?" Jim asked kindly.

"Jared," the young man smiled boyishly as he pushed his hair back from his eyes. "Jared Padalecki," he stuck his hand out towards Jim with another smile.

"Jim Beaver," Jim said with a smile shaking the younger man's hand. "And my scowling friend is Jensen Ackles," he nodded towards Jensen. He smirked at the thunderous look on his friend's face.

"Good to meet you both," Jared smiled again. He decided against offering his hand to the younger man behind the desk and wondered idly if the scowl was a permanent feature because Jared had a feeling that if he smiled it would be beautiful. He shook off the thought turning his attention back to Jim.

"Well Jared," Jim said waving Jared towards the chair by the desk. "This is your lucky day."

"It is?" Jared said puzzled as he flopped down into the offered chair.

"Sure is," Jim nodded. "Because you're hired."

"What?" two voices chimed.

Jim chuckled looking from one man to the other. He really didn't know what had made him say the words but the look on both young men's faces was priceless, made it worth it, and Jim really wished he had a camera with him. "You're hired," he repeated. "Jensen meet your assistant Jared," he chuckled at the horrified look on Jensen's face. "Jared meet your boss Jensen."

"Really?" Jared said and Jim didn't miss the hopeful expression on the younger man's face. "Don't you wanna read my resume... or something," he offered rummaging in one of his bags.

Jim put up his hands. "No need," he said. "You're hired and yeah I mean it. Jim Beaver don't go back on his word," Jim nodded ignoring the glares that Jensen was aiming at him.

Jared jumped to his feet and shook Jim's hand again. "Wow... thanks... just thanks."

Jensen stared at Jim for a moment horrified at what his friend had done. He finally found his voice. "Don't you think I should have a say in this?" he interrupted even though he knew it was a lost battle. Jim was a man of his word and wouldn't go back on it for anything, not even to spare Jensen's feelings. Jensen sighed but decided to put up a fight anyway, his stubborn streak getting the better of him.

"No," Jim turned to his friend, his face determined and his voice firm. "You don't. I gave you the choice," he waved a hand at the abandoned applications. "You didn't make one.... so I have."

Jensen glared at Jim. The older man meant the world to him, had known him all his life. They weren't just business partners, they were friends. Jensen owed him so much especially in the last eighteen months and despite his horror at the situation, Jensen didn't want to hurt Jim's feelings. They stared at each other for a moment each daring the other to say something. Finally Jensen sighed in defeat dropping his head slightly. They had just hired Jared Padalecki as his assistant.

"You win old man," Jensen mumbled reluctantly. "This time," he made it sound like a challenge and smirked at Jim.

Jim rolled his eyes. "Less of the old man," he chided but couldn't keep the triumph out of his tone. He winked at Jared before turning back to Jensen. "And stop your damn pouting... it don't suit you."

Jared had watched the exchange between the two men in silence wondering what he had let himself in for. His grandfather had died two months previously, his best friend in the whole world, and ever since Jared had been aimlessly wandering the country picking up jobs here and there to keep him going. He was searching but Jared admitted to himself that he didn't really know what he was searching for. He just got on a bus and travelled to the next stop or the next. His life, without his grandfather, had no purpose and Jared was lonely, the ache of being all alone in the world filling him, surrounding him like a dark cloak. Jared had been on his way to San Francisco, just another bus stop, but something he couldn't explain had made him get off the bus that morning. Some research on his laptop, over a lukewarm coffee in a small diner, had given him several job options and he had wandered along the main street finding himself at the door of the detective agency. Figuring that he had nothing to lose, that may be he could do some background or research work for the detectives, Jared had enquired about jobs and had been directed by the secretary towards an office where raised voices were shouting at each other. It then struck him - he hadn't asked what he had been hired to do. "Excuse me," Jared interrupted shyly. "Ummm... I was wondering.. well you know.... just what have I been hired to do?" he blushed at the admission.

"That would be looking after my useless ass," Jensen moved around to the side of the desk.

"Jensen," Jim snapped in warning. "Can the attitude."

The snapped warning distracted both men away from Jared just giving him enough time to compose himself and wipe the surprised look off his face. He had expected to come face to face with the younger man - instead Jared found himself looking down at Jensen as he rolled forwards in his wheelchair. Jensen gave Jared a hard appraising stare as if expecting some kind of negative reaction, as if he was used to being treated as flawed because of the wheelchair. Jared had a feeling that the next words he said would be important, that he wouldn't be forgiven for sympathy or pity. He ignored the wheelchair and looked directly at Jensen holding his irritated stare. Shaking off the thought that Jensen had the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen, Jared took a calming breath. "So what kind of duties does looking after your useless ass entail?" he asked simply, resisting the urge to smirk. Jared knew immediately that he had said the right thing nearly missing the flash of pleased surprise on the other man's face - but the expression disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

Jim chuckled and Jensen shot him a warning glance. "I'm sure Jim here will tell you all about it," Jensen said waving a hand at the older man.

"Don't worry Jared," Jim gave a small laugh. "He comes with a manual."

Jensen glared at Jim again. Jim ignored the look continuing to chuckle as he gathered up a pile of papers stuffing them untidily into his brief case. Jensen rolled his eyes as he turned back to Jared. He quirked an eyebrow managing to conceal the surprise he felt at the lack of pity he read in the younger man's eyes and body language. Instead Jensen saw veiled amusement and a steely determination and stubbornness that probably matched his own. Jensen was so used to people that didn't know him treating him like he was somehow defective, had gotten used to them judging him by his wheelchair and his useless legs that it was a refreshing change to be treated normally by a stranger. But even so he resisted the temptation to smile at Jared. He grabbed his own over-stuffed brief case and laid it across his lap. Putting his hands on the top of each wheel Jensen pushed himself towards the doorway narrowly missing Jared's toes. Instinctively Jared jumped back. "Good reflexes," Jensen smirked as he rolled out of the door. "You coming or what?" he shot over his shoulder.

"I think he likes you," Jim whispered as the door closed behind Jensen. He stuffed his brief case under one arm.

"Yeah right," Jared retorted but gave the older man a small smile. He hoped that he hadn't made a mistake in accepting the job but even though Jensen had yet to smile at him, Jared found himself, for some reason, liking his new employer. "How can you tell?"

Jim snorted. "He didn't run over your toes," he said with a knowing smile.


	2. Walking Wounded

**Jared**

Jared sipped at his coffee as he stared out of the window into the garden. He still couldn't believe that within two hours of getting off the bus, he had a job and a home, even though it was only for a month. Jared had tried to protest saying that a motel would suit his needs but Jim had insisted that he stay at Jensen's house explaining that it would be easier for him to carry out his duties. Jensen had remained strangely quiet, not uttering one word of protest. It had made Jared slightly uncomfortable but he told himself not to be so stupid and convinced himself to take the silence as a strange kind of acceptance. So here he was standing in the airy kitchen of the one-storey house which was situated in a relatively nice neighbourhood gazing out into the garden.

His room was large and cozy with its own tiny bathroom and Jared had to admit ten times better than any motel room. It had a double bed, two pine chest of drawers and a walk in closet. In one corner was large over-stuffed arm chair and under the window, which looked out onto the street, was a desk and chair. It had taken him less than fifteen minutes to unpack his meagre belongings, only taking up a small part of the closet and two of the eight drawers.

Jared sighed to himself. After his grandfather had died, he had sold everything worth selling, banked the money in his account, given notice on their tiny apartment and left the only home he had ever known without a backwards glance. Everything he owned in the world had been stuffed into two large bags. His laptop, three of his favourite books, a teddy bear that had belonged to his mother and his favourite photograph of himself and his grandfather had been packed into his battered holdall.

Jared dug into his jeans retrieving the gold pocket watch his grandfather had given him on his eighteenth birthday. It had been a gift to his grandfather from his grandmother on their wedding day. It was Jared's most precious possession and he stroked his fingers over the surface as he carefully flicked the top open noting the time on the elegant face. Jared smiled to himself as he closed the watch and re-pocketed it.

He took another sip of his coffee as he thought about his new job. He was being paid an obscene amount of money which Jared had decided would buy him many more bus tickets once the job was over. He would just get on another bus and see where it took him. The duties were simple. Jared was taking care of Jensen although Jim was quick to explain the areas of assistance required very carefully. It would seem that Jensen was stubbornly independent and Jared got the definite impression, from Jim, that his new boss would take his head off if he strayed outside the designated boundaries.

Jensen drove his own specially adapted car, a huge black shiny 1967 Chevy Impala. It was a classic, a gas guzzler and seemingly Jensen's pride and joy, and Jared got the feeling that he would never be allowed behind the wheel under any circumstances. Jared was responsible for stowing the wheelchair and making sure that Jensen got in and out of buildings when he went to see clients or attended his regular hospital appointments. His most important responsibility was the twice daily physiotherapy which involved massages and exercises. Exercising Jensen's legs helped maintain muscle tone and prevented wasting. The massage therapy of Jensen's back and legs helped deter the possibility of thrombosis or pneumonia, both side effects of his paralysis. During the massages, Jared also had to check Jensen's back, legs and ass for signs of pressure sores. Everything else, Jim explained, Jensen handled himself and was warned not to offer help. Jim also hadn't been kidding about the manual. Jared was now the temporary owner of a small leather bound book that detailed, in Jim's untidy scrawl, everything he needed to know about Jensen and his care.

Jared had been unsure about the job and wasn't sure if he was up to the challenge. But today, for some reason, he was determined to succeed and guessed that it had something to do with Jim's quiet faith in him. Jared turned his gaze back to the garden.

The early morning sunlight shone on the small well-kept garden making the dew on the grass sparkle in the bright light. He let his eyes lazily move around taking in every detail from the neat borders filled with rose bushes and shrubs to the wooden decking area that had been constructed outside the French windows to the winding and rickety looking stone path that ran down the centre of the garden to a large tree circled by more grey stone paving. Jared glanced sideways and could just about make out a barbecue area in the corner of the decking area where easy lounging chairs had also been positioned in order to get the best of the sun.

Jared frowned. He had only been at the house for just over a day but from he had seen, this was definitely not the house of a disabled person. In fact it was the exact opposite. Even though it was all on one level, nothing had been done or altered to make it wheelchair-user friendly. It was almost as if the occupant was stubbornly ignoring his disability, determined to be self-sufficient and independent. Jim had given him a quick tour of the house and the only concessions Jared had seen, apart from the converted car, was a ramp into the house at the front, a small ramp onto the decking area and a specialised stool fixed into Jensen's personal shower. He frowned to himself again. The house and even the garden were another piece of a puzzle that was Jensen Ackles.

His thoughts turned to his new boss of a day. Jared liked Jensen even though the feeling wasn't mutual. There was something about him, something hidden, that appealed to Jared. Jensen was a complete enigma, seemingly full of contradictions that made Jared's head spin a little. He was usually good at quickly reading people priding himself on knowing what made them tick within an hour or so, but a day later Jensen was still a complete mystery to him. Jared hated to admit it but it was really irritating him. Jensen was like a blank canvas but Jared was convinced that the older man was hiding himself. Hiding himself behind an impassive expression.

Jared had studied Jensen carefully when the older man had been distracted by Jim talking to him about the Agency. He was handsome, almost boyish in his looks, with a round face, short dirty blonde hair and incredibly pouty lips that thinned when he was angry. Jared guessed that Jensen would be about six foot tall when standing, his upper body and arms were well muscled and he had a narrow waist. His legs were longish and although they still had some muscle tone, probably due to the daily exercise regime that Jared was now responsible for, they were thin and scrawny looking. But it was Jensen's eyes, the window to his soul, Jared had decided quickly. They sparkled changing from light green to medium green to dark green depending on the way the light caught them. They were the most beautiful jade green colour Jared had ever seen, and they seemed to shift restlessly as Jensen watched, seeing everything, ever alert and taking note of his surroundings, of everyday things that other people would take for granted.

Despite the fact that Jensen had hardly spoken two words to him, Jared hadn't changed his mind - he still liked him and wanted to know more about him. So far his conversation had only resulted in an angry rebuff or a stony silence. Jared couldn't blame Jensen for his bad temper and irritability imagining that it must be difficult to live your life confined to a wheelchair. That was another mystery. No-one, so far, had told him how Jensen had ended up in the wheelchair and Jared didn't like to ask, feeling that he would be prying into something not his business. At first he had assumed that it was connected to a career in the police force but the Agency website debunked that theory stating that Jensen had left three years previously and Jared knew he had only been paralysed for just over eighteen months. It was another layer of mystery surrounding the older man and despite his good manners of not asking, it piqued Jared's curiosity.

Jared pushed thoughts of beautiful jade green eyes down inside and took a sip of his coffee in the hope of distracting himself. He cursed silently as his thoughts immediately returned to Jensen.

From what he had seen so far, Jensen came across as stubborn, determined and extremely professional and dedicated when it came to the Agency. Most of the time his expressions and body language were carefully guarded never giving away anything. Anger seemed to be the only emotion Jensen demonstrated regularly and his whole body seemed to vibrate with barely controlled fury and something else that Jared immediately recognised - loneliness. An innate loneliness that Jensen tried to conceal behind the anger that seemed to be there all the time lurking just under the surface waiting to strike at the unsuspecting. No other emotion seemed to make an appearance although Jared was sure that yesterday he had caught a glimpse of frustration but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, and only once - so far - had he seen amusement sparkling in the greenness when Jensen had nearly run over his toes in the office on the day they had met.

Jared narrowed his eyes, deep in thought. There was more to Jensen Ackles than beautiful green eyes and a handsome freckled face and Jared found himself strangely determined to find out what it was. For some reason Jared would never be able to explain to anyone or himself he wanted to be Jensen's friend.

Jared turned back to look out into the garden. His grandfather would have loved it, would have known the Latin name of every flower and shrub, and those he wasn't sure of, he would have looked up in one of his books. Jared felt his stomach lurch at the thought of his grandfather. He closed his eyes and could almost see the older man smiling at him, teasing him with gentle words. Jared clenched his jaw tightly shut, grinding his teeth, desperately trying not to cry. The loss was still new, still raw and it hurt deep inside whenever Jared thought about his beloved grandfather and their life together. His mentor, his teacher and most of all his best friend in the whole world. Gone now, finally at peace, finally free of the pain and confusion. Jared stared distractedly at the large tree at the bottom of the garden willing his tears away. They fell anyway and he swiped at them angrily suddenly feeling totally lost and alone in the world.

At age twenty-four, Jared felt like he was adrift. Adrift from the world around him with no-where to go, no-where to call home and no-one to love him and let him love them back. His grandfather always teased him that he had a big heart with plenty of love to go around and now alone, Jared felt useless. Another tear escaped running down his face. His grandfather had been his whole world. They were all the family the other had and Jared had been content, not really needing or wanting friends of his own age. His grandfather had tried to encourage him but in truth Jared had always preferred books to people. Books were easier, uncomplicated and never hurt you for your height or the way your hair fell over your eyes all the time or the fact that you had no parents. Jared sighed to himself. His love of books and studying combined with his height and a million other imperfections that made him Jared Padalecki had always made him the target of teasing, made him an outcast of sorts, so Jared had settled for being on the fringe of groups at school. He had never felt lonely or isolated but now with his grandfather gone and the thought that he would never see or talk to him again, Jared felt really alone for the first time in his life. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. A good idea to leave the only home he had ever known in search of something that would may be make him feel whole again. Make him a somebody instead of a nobody. Jared was searching, seeking that something elusive, that little something that seemed just out of reach. And for the first time in his life, Jared felt afraid.

Jared was startled out of his morose thoughts by a voice behind him. He wiped at his face again before turning. He forced out a bright smile as Jim entered the kitchen. "And get your lazy ass into the shower and then meet us in the study," Jim threw over his shoulder. Jim turned to Jared. "Morning Jared," he grinned deciding immediately not to draw attention to or mention the reddened face and puffy tear-filled eyes of the younger man. Instead he grabbed a mug off the kitchen counter pouring himself some coffee. "You ready for this?" Jim asked kindly as he leant against the counter. He gave Jared an encouraging smile.

Jared bit at his lips nervously. "Yeah, I think so," he replied. "It's just... it's just," he stopped not knowing how to explain himself.

"Hey," Jim slapped Jared on the back. "Don't you worry about our Jensen. He aint bitten anyone yet."

"OK," Jared gave Jim a half smile. "But there's always a first time."

Jim chuckled. "Jared," he said. "If he gives you any trouble or bites you," he smirked. "You just tell Loretta. She's got one mean wooden spoon and a great right hook."

"Really?" Jared couldn't help asking even though as soon as the word was out of his mouth, he felt stupid. He blushed bright red.

Jim laughed. "Yeah really," he said. "Loretta can handle our pain in the ass and set him straight. She's being kinda doing it since he was two years old. Now why don't you get us some toast and I'll give you some more tips on how to handle Jensen. OK?"

"OK," Jared said, feeling a little better, some of his earlier determination returning.  He got to his feet and started to search the cupboards for bread, butter and jelly.

"So you OK to do this?" Jim asked again. He had to be sure that he was leaving Jensen in good hands, with someone who wouldn't run at the first sign of trouble or difficulty. Jim had always trusted his gut instincts; they had served him well over and over in the past, both in his personal and professional life. And his gut instincts were telling him that Jared was up to the job and that, deep down, the young man was as tenacious and determined as Jensen.

Despite all his worries and insecurities about his life, himself and where he was going, Jared couldn't help smiling back at Jim. "Yeah," Jared said as he popped two slices of bread into the toaster. "Bring it on," he said suddenly determined as he jutted his chin out stubbornly.

Jim grinned back heartened by the younger man's response. He chuckled to himself deciding that just may be Jensen would meet his match in the stubborn stakes. Perhaps both young men would be good for each other. Jim smiled again at the thought.

**Jensen**

"And get your lazy ass into the shower and meet us in the study," Jensen mimicked Jim with a scowl. In truth, Jensen had been dragged from sleep by his recurring nightmare, so terrifying and real that he was too afraid to go back to sleep. So he had lain awake staring at the wall, lost in his own thoughts, for over three hours not able to muster up the energy to get himself out of bed. Jensen tried so hard not to be bitter and twisted about his situation knowing that other people were out there making a much better job of their disability than he ever could. They were out there living their lives to the full and most days Jensen did too but sometimes, like today, it was hard and he had been indulging himself in his own private pity party for the last hour or so.

He forced his thoughts away from himself. Jim would be leaving that afternoon for his vacation with his new wife, Samantha. Jensen grinned hoping that they would enjoy the surprise he had organised in secret for them, switching their regular room for the honeymoon suite at the hotel they were staying at in Honolulu. They were good loyal friends and both deserved the treat.

His father, Philip Ackles, had been a cold emotionless man who had forgotten how to love when his beloved wife had died. Jensen had been two years old and Jim had easily and readily adopted the role of mentor, best friend and surrogate father. Jensen was the man he was today, not because of his father but because of Jim Beaver and Jim alone. Jim meant the world to Jensen. He owed the older man so much, and even more over the last eighteen months. Jim had cheerfully ignored his bad temper and black moods and supported him in every way possible. The honeymoon suite at a hotel in Honolulu would never ever go any way to repaying the debt he owed the older man but Jensen really wanted to do something nice for Jim and Sam.

But that didn't mean that Jensen would let him get away with his highly questionable staff hiring tactics. Jim may have won this battle but there was still the war to win. Jensen chuckled to himself at the thought, in his head already plotting his revenge. Jensen turned his thoughts away from revenge to his new assistant. Deep down Jensen knew that it was his own stubborn fault that he now had Jared Padalecki as his assistant for the next month but hell would freeze over before he ever admitted it to Jim.

Jensen had become so used to people looking down at him, judging him because of his disability that he had been surprised when Jared had seemingly ignored the wheelchair and focussed his attention solely on him. It had unsettled Jensen for a moment but he had quickly shaken the feeling off. He wasn't used to strangers treating him normally. And even stranger, Jensen found himself liking the younger man, even being attracted to him and that thought alone terrified him. Jensen didn't do love any more, having been burnt badly in the past. Love was for fools and romantics, both of which Jensen had been - the world's worst romantic fool and he had paid the ultimate price for his stupidity. He shuddered as the past and its memories bombarded his mind making the room spin dizzily. Jensen suddenly felt sick and couldn't keep his hands from trembling. His heart was racing and his mouth suddenly went dry. He worried his lips with his teeth. "Stop it," Jensen chastised himself as he fought to control himself with long and deep breaths.

Jensen forced his mind away from bad memories and gradually he felt himself calming. His heart stopped thumping in his chest and the urge to vomit faded as he breathed deep and even. He needed a distraction and Jared popped immediately into his head. Screwing up his eyes, Jensen pictured the younger man in his mind's eye. Jared was incredibly tall with kind soulful eyes, an infectious smile and hair that seemed to have a life of its own relentlessly falling over his eyes. An air of innocence clung to him making him somehow appealing and attractive. His tall rangy body seemed to be in constant motion. Jared talked with his hands while he restlessly bounced from foot to foot. He talked a mile a minute and grinned incessantly and was so polite that Loretta loved him already. Jared's constant motion made Jensen slightly jealous wishing with every fibre of his body that life would allow him to have just a little of Jared's energy, his movement. Jensen bit at his lips again in an effort to push away his envy, ashamed with himself for coveting something that he probably would never have again.

Jensen blew out a long breath attempting to shake the bad mood wallowing always brought on. He pulled himself up into a sitting position using his strong arms. He then threw the pillows that had been propping him on his right side last night to the other side of the king-sized bed. Jensen scowled at the pillows hating that he needed them to prop him up into different positions each night in an effort to avoid sores due to the fact that he couldn't turn over unaided and having someone to turn him was definitely out of the question. The pillows were the lesser of two evils, just served as another reminder of his uselessness. With another scowl, Jensen threw back the comforter to reveal the main reason for his anger and misery. His useless legs lay unmoving and completely numb as though they weren't even a part of him, and as usual were of no help to him whatsoever in getting out of bed.

Jensen knew he could ask for help but hell would freeze over before he ever asked. He loved Jim like a father but he was never going to ask him for help getting out of bed. Jensen wasn't helpless. He could do this, had been doing it since the week after he had been discharged from the hospital over eighteen months ago. Despite his protests his doctor had insisted on sending a nurse to help him adapt to his new disabled life and she had lasted exactly two weeks. Jensen had to admit that she had been kind, gentle and as stubborn as him in the face of his anger and resentment of her and his disability. She had ignored his bad temper and frustration patiently teaching him what needed to be done to become as self-sufficient as possible. Despite his depression and embarrassment at some of the lessons and tasks he now performed on a daily basis, Jensen had forced himself to learn, desperate to be left alone, desperate to be independent. He didn't need anyone, didn't want anyone. Trust had never been easy for Jensen and with everything that had happened to him in the last eighteen months, trust became a thing of the past, something he avoided whenever he could.

Jensen had already cut himself off from his friends on the Force when he had taken over his father's business deciding to concentrate all his efforts on the business and making his father proud of him. After leaving the hospital Jensen had tried to distance himself from others but predictably they were having none of it. They knew him too well, had known him too long. Jim, Samantha, Loretta and the detectives that worked for the Agency just ignored his attempts and in the end Jensen had given up and settled into a routine. Work, work and more work. He had driven himself, and the business, hard and it had paid off. The Agency had a good reputation and was successful, both client wise and financially. Jensen should be happy. He had good friends. He had a successful business. He was alive.

He should be happy, he kept telling himself over and over trying to convince himself every single day. But deep down he knew it was a lie. Jensen was miserable. He had lost himself, didn't know who he was anymore and deep inside, Jensen felt dead. As dead and as numb as his crippled legs, but strangely enough there was an ache in his chest that tortured him with its intensity never leaving him, day or night. Jensen tried to ignore the ache, recognising it as loneliness, shrouding and smothering it with his anger and frustration. Anger was his only release. His only friend. It coursed through his veins, white hot, searing his soul burning with a ferocity that made him feel alive. Jensen knew that, in reality, the anger was eating away at him destroying everything that he was, overwhelming him with a dark blanket of despair and pain. He ignored the little voice in his head warning him that he was slowly dying inside. Jensen Ackles needed to feel angry. Jensen Ackles needed to feel something.

Jensen sighed heavily. Wallowing some more in self pity wasn't getting him out of bed and into the shower. He glanced sideways at the hated wheelchair positioned at the side of his bed to make sure that the brakes were still set.

Jensen scowled at the chair with its black leather, shiny wheels and blue and green cushions. The cushions were gifts from Loretta and helped brace his back and ass against the constant pressure of the leather on his paralysed lower body. Determined to be as independent as possible, Jensen had chosen a chair without arm rests to make transferring himself backwards and forwards easier. The chair, due to it having no arms rests, even had its own seat-belt device to hold his paralysed body in place, but Jensen rarely used the equipment much to Jim's annoyance and frustration. The chair was also lighter than standard chairs, was easy to manoeuvre and fold up and didn't take up too much room in his car.

He checked that the brakes were locked again. Several accidents where he had found himself sprawled on the floor on more than one occasion had made him overly cautious. Satisfied Jensen braced his arms and shifted himself sideways into his chair. As usual his legs dragged, staying on his bed unmoving, and with another annoyed scowl at the useless things, Jensen pulled them off the bed positioning them one at a time placing his feet onto the foot rests. Jensen took the brake off and wheeled himself into his bathroom.

He passed the deep bath with an annoyed sigh. He knew he could get himself into the bath but the high sides of the tub meant he would need help getting out and that wasn't an option. Jensen cursed under his breath as he tugged off his t-shirt and sweats, well practised at getting dressed and undressed. Jensen shivered slightly as he leant forwards and turned on the shower tap waiting for the water to warm up.

He re-positioned the chair ready to transfer himself to the shower stool as soon as the water was hot enough. He didn't have mirrors in his house, having them all taken down as he couldn't bear seeing himself in the wheelchair. Even so Jensen couldn't help himself as he looked up and down at his nakedness. He had lost some weight but his body looked the same as it had eighteen months ago with its pale freckled skin. Strong muscles still rippled in his arms and his abdomen and his legs had even retained some of their muscle tone. His waist was still narrow and his belly flat. The only difference was that everything below his waist-line was completely lifeless. Jensen couldn't feel his ass, couldn't feel his thighs or his knees or his shins or his bony ankles or his feet or even his toes. Nothing moved or even twitched. There was just nothing, no feelings, no sensations, not even pins and needles. It was a non-feeling that he couldn't seem to get used to. He would never get used to not feeling.

Jensen glanced up and down his body until his eyes finally rested on his groin area. His cock lay limp between his legs, the hated catheter running out of the tip and connected to the equally hated bag discreetly strapped to his leg, sometimes to his thigh, sometimes to his calf. Feeling vaguely stupid but not able to stop torturing himself, Jensen poked at his flaccid cock and then his numb balls. He ran his fingers up and down the length of his cock, squeezing hard, willing a reaction from the limp silky flesh. No response not even a twitch of interest. He sighed defeated feeling totally useless. It wasn't as if he wanted sex every day and every night, Jensen just wanted the choice, the choice that had been taken away from him. It was more than just sex and erections, Jensen desperately wanted the every day normal response to stimulation of his cock.

Jensen could feel tears springing to his eyes. "No crying," he scolded himself as he angrily jabbed the fingers of one hand above his waist feeling the welcome sensation of his finger tips stabbing painfully at the soft skin over and over. Despite his best efforts his tears escaped one at a time running unchecked down his face. Tears he could feel as they tracked wetly down his cheeks. "You suck," Jensen choked out. "You feel the damn tears.... but not your stupid legs," he hissed turning his attention to his thighs. He pressed his finger tips into the soft flesh until his nails made crescent-shaped indentations in the pale skin. It should hurt but he felt nothing. He pushed harder and harder knowing that he would probably have small bruises but Jensen didn't care. He just wanted to feel something, anything.

**Thirty minutes later.......**

Dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, Jensen wheeled himself into the kitchen to see Jim and Jared sitting at the table talking, drinking coffee and eating toast. "You coming?" he snapped at Jared, who jumped to his feet putting his mug on the table with a thump spilling some of the coffee. Jensen knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't help himself and the bad mood he had talked himself into whilst getting out of bed. "We have to be at the office in an hour."

"And good morning to you my little ray of sunshine," Jim teased with a smile. He turned back to Jared. "You got time," he motioned for Jared to sit again and finish his breakfast. Biting at his lip nervously, Jared sat and picked up his jelly covered toast again.

Jensen glared. "Shouldn't you be packing old man?" he cocked his head to one side. "You leave for the airport in three hours."

"My lovely Samantha's got it all organised," Jim grinned. "She gets the suitcases. I get the carrier bag."

Jensen snorted. "You are so under the thumb," he accused lightly.

"Don't I know it," Jim beamed happily. "And goddam if I don't just love it."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "You are such a girl," he accused the older man, some of his bad mood lifting slightly.

Jim shrugged again. "And I just called in to give Jared," he waved at the younger man. "Last minute instructions on looking after your grumpy ass," Jim smirked at the death glare Jensen shot him. Jared gave a small smile looking from man to man deciding that his best option, at the moment, was to keep silent. He ignored the green eyes glaring at him as he licked jelly off his lips and concentrated on paying attention to what Jim was about to say to him. Jim turned his back on Jensen smiling at Jared and giving him a wink. He started to count points off on the fingers of one hand, ignoring the eyes boring holes in his back. "Make sure he drives that beast of his carefully. No breaking any speed limits."

"Hey," Jensen interrupted. "She's a classic and don't you forget it," he pouted.

Jim ignored the comment, kept his back turned and continued with his instructions. "Make sure he eats because he forgets. And his ass is getting way too skinny. Now I know that my darling Sam has stocked you boys up so I seriously doubt anything else will fit into the freezer or the cupboards. Make sure he goes to bed at a reasonable hour. Make sure he takes his meds on time every day," Jim instructed. He blew out a deep breath. "And the biggie... make sure he don't work too hard. And by the way.... good luck with that one," he finally finished. "Think you can handle all that Jared?" Jim smiled.

"Yeah," Jared answered confidently shooting a sideways glance at Jensen who was now glaring at both men.

"Hey," Jensen snapped. "In the room here. And what am I five?" he asked scowling at Jim and Jared.

"Nah," Jim turned back to Jensen. "You act more like a four year old."

"Shouldn't you go and pack your carrier bag or something?" Jensen snarled. "And let me and my skinny ass get on with stuff. Like running our business while you run off on vacation."

Jim shrugged completely ignoring Jensen's bad mood. He was used to the mood swings and from the dark circles around his friend's eyes, he could tell that Jensen probably hadn't slept very well. Jim had hoped that the nightmares he knew plagued his friend would fade in time but from the look of the younger man, knew that it had been a vain one. "Don't need much," he waggled his eyebrows mischievously. "Just my trusty ball cap. Some shorts and t-shirts and my black leather thong," he said. Jared snorted coffee up his nose coughing as he tried to gain control, spitting some of it down his t-shirt and onto the table.

Jensen huffed. "Well that's just.... just gross," he said scowling. "How the hell did you get Sam to marry your ass?"

Jim chuckled. "I have my ways," he snickered. "And bags loads of charm."

"In your dreams," Jensen spun his chair around heading towards the door. "And you just put me off my breakfast."

"Like you ever eat breakfast," Jim chastised as he moved across the kitchen quickly, following Jensen. As he passed Jared, who was cleaning up his coffee and dabbing at his now coffee-stained t-shirt, he nodded. "Sorry about that," Jim grinned. "Just give us a minute," he whispered. "Finish your toast."

"Sure. OK," Jared nodded back watching as Jim caught up with Jensen.

"I can do it," Jensen snapped as Jim grabbed the back of the wheelchair.

"Tough," Jim tightened his grip and pushed a now protesting Jensen towards the study. As well as being a home office where Jensen spent too much time in Jim's opinion, the study doubled as a treatment room. Under the window was a large black leather-covered doctor's couch that Jensen used for his exercises and massages.

"Do you want me to stay?" Jim offered as he wheeled Jensen into the study. "Cancel the vacation. Sam will understand," he continued. "Just say the word."

"What?" Jensen said looking up at his friend, shocked that Jim would offer to cancel his vacation for him. Jensen wasn't that selfish. He wanted Jim to go on vacation, wanted him to enjoy himself and spend time with Samantha. They both deserved this vacation. "No of course not," he assured. "I'll be fine. We'll be fine," he quickly amended.

Jim studied Jensen for a moment. "OK," he finally said. "But do me a favour. He's a good kid. Give him a break. Give yourself a break. OK?"

"OK," Jensen nodded as he scrubbed a hand over his face. He was tired. Tired of his life. Tired of being angry. He could do this. "Go get Jared and let's get this show on the road," he looked up at Jim offering him a small smile. "And you go pack your thong," Jensen couldn't help teasing.

"Jared," Jim shouted. "Get your ass in here. And show me that you were paying attention yesterday when I showed you what to do."


	3. One Step Forwards

**Three days later.....**

**Jensen**

Jensen squinted down at the pages in front of him. Rows and rows of figures all blurring into one. He blinked leaning forwards slightly desperately trying to focus on the Agency's accounts. He pushed the paperwork away and looked towards his laptop, determined to analyse the accounts.

Jensen had to admit, to himself, that Jared had done an excellent job with the accounting programme and for the first time since Chad had left, he had a proper set of accounts to scrutinise, both on paper and on the computer itself. Jensen was very impressed. Jared had managed to work out Chad's complicated and unique coding and had created a workable and simple programme for the Agency to use in their day to day accounting procedures. Jensen also knew that Jared was working hard on the other programmes that Chad had signed over to them and he had no doubt that the younger man would make them work. But despite being impressed with Jared's hard and dedicated work on their behalf, work that he didn't have to do at all, Jensen just couldn't bring himself to praise the younger man. He bit at his lip, feeling guilty and ashamed of his behaviour towards Jared. Loretta had even scolded him the previous day but still Jensen couldn't talk to Jared and thank him for his obvious hard work. Loretta was right. Jim was right. He should give Jared a break. Jensen bit at his lips again. It was simple but at the same time, so hard. "You suck," Jensen chastised himself. "Just get in the damn kitchen and thank him." He shook his head feeling the guilt and shame churning within his stomach.

It wasn't Jared's fault. It was his fault. All his fault. Everything was his fault and his alone. Jensen knew it. He shivered slightly at the thoughts whirling around his brain giving him a headache. The past haunted him, day and night, never leaving him, touching and influencing his present and his future, tormenting him with dark memories Jensen desperately wanted to forget. He glanced down staring distractedly at his useless legs, a constant reminder of his past, a past he couldn't seem to shake. Its tendrils curled around his heart and soul slowly destroying everything in its wake. Destroying any feelings he had ever had or experienced and destroying any feelings he could have in the future. Making him afraid to give his heart to anyone ever again.

But three days ago everything had changed. Three days ago Jared Padalecki had walked into his office and his life. At that moment, Jensen had felt a small spark, a spark of life and hope blossoming deep within him, something he hadn't felt for a long time. It terrified him making him act like a petulant child, making him act like a complete asshole to Jared and he didn't know how to put it right. It was going to be a long month.

Jensen sighed to himself. Jared didn't deserve the hurtful treatment but Jensen couldn't help himself. He was terrified and his terror made him strike out at the younger man. Jensen admitted that, deep down, he liked Jared, was even attracted to him and that thought alone frightened him more than anything. Jensen was determined to never let anyone get that close again and anyway he had nothing to offer - he was just a useless cripple trapped in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. At first, the doctors had given him hope, were still giving him hope but Jensen knew, deep down, that he was going to be paralysed for the rest of his life. He just had a hard time accepting and admitting the fact to anyone else, even Jim.

Fifteen minutes was all that it had taken to change his life forever. Fifteen minutes that Jensen would never forget. He shivered, despite the warmth, and could feel his hands trembling. He clenched his hands into tight fists. "No. Not going there," Jensen cursed forcing his thoughts back to Jared in an effort to distract himself from the dark memories that threatened. Even though it was scary, thinking about Jared was preferable to mulling over his past.

Jensen closed his eyes stubbornly ignoring the little voice in head telling him that he was perilously close to breaking his own rule about not getting involved with anyone ever again. Jensen squeezed his eyes shut even more trying to block out the annoying little voice as he pictured Jared. Warm browny/green eyes, a slightly angular face framed with wild out-of-control brown hair and an infectious smile. Jared was like a breath of fresh air breezing through the office and his home, albeit a clumsy one. He was full of restless movement talking with his hands as well as his voice. He constantly knocked things over, walked into the desks and sent the office paperwork flying off the desks at regular intervals. But despite all of that, Jensen sensed that Jared had a good heart and a kind one. His presence seemed to fill the rooms when he wasn't lost in his own thoughts. At those times, a deep sadness seemed to settle over him but always disappeared as quickly as it had appeared when he thought someone was looking at him. Jensen idly wondered what made Jared so sad. "Stop it," he chastised himself shaking his head in frustration.

Jensen turned back to his laptop determined to concentrate on analysing the accounts, even though he knew them off by heart. After a minute of study, the rows of figures blurred into one, as they had done on the paper. Defeated Jensen grabbed his glasses and flung them onto the desk before slumping back in his chair scrubbing a hand over his face. He was tired. Tired of his life. Tired of being miserable and alone. Tired of the nightmares and dreams that plagued him night and day.

Jensen leaned forward, his head resting on his hands, staring out into the garden letting his gaze wander lazily around the small area. His thoughts turned to his father. The father he had never really understood. Philip Ackles had been a hard man to understand or fathom. Emotionally closed off from everyone, they had never really had any type of relationship. All his life, Jensen had craved a relationship with his father. He loved his father and had desperately wanted him to be proud of his achievements, wanted to be noticed. But Philip had ignored Jensen and his achievements, never seeming to have time for him. It had been a lonely childhood. Jensen had joined the police force hoping that his father would be proud of him - instead Philip had accused him of betraying the family business. Jensen had been crushed and hurt, but his father's disapproval only made him more determined in his chosen career and he made Lieutenant, the youngest ever in the local police department, before leaving to take over the Agency.

Jensen sighed as he continued to stare sightlessly at the garden. This was his father's other love. Philip had the spent the hours he wasn't working at the Agency in the garden lovingly tending to the flowers and shrubs. As a child, Jensen hadn't really been allowed to play in the garden. Instead Jim's overgrown and wild garden, across the street, had been his playground and he had spent many happy hours playing amongst the weeds and unruly wilderness. It wasn't until much later, as an adult, that Loretta had told him that Philip loved the garden because his mother, Jennifer, had loved the garden. It had been her pride and joy and Loretta told him that it was probably Philip's way of keeping the memory of his beloved wife alive. Instead of the resentment he had always felt at his father working in the garden for hours alone, Loretta's words made him look at the garden through different eyes - it was a memorial to his mother. After his father's death, Jensen had moved into the house and had made sure that the garden was kept exactly as Philip had kept it - his own memorial to his father in the same way that Philip had made the garden a memorial to his dead wife.

Jensen made a sudden decision and pushed himself away from the desk. He was going out into the garden. Jensen decided he was going to sit under the tree at the bottom of the garden and enjoy the sunshine and, for a change, not do any work. He rarely spent any time in the garden resentful of the fact that he didn't find it easy to do any work from the chair. A gardener now regularly visited to keep the garden neat and tidy. Jensen stared out of the window. The sunny garden was just beckoning to him. Jensen ignored the voice in his head that sounded a lot like Jim telling him that the pathway needed widening and levelling out before he could use it safely in his chair.

Jensen wheeled himself out of the study, along the hallway pausing for a moment to glance into the kitchen. Jared was staring at his laptop intently concentrating and didn't even notice Jensen in the doorway. Jensen bit at his lips - perhaps he could ask Jared to join him. "Yeah right. Like you haven't spent the last three days being an asshole to him. He probably hates you," Jensen whispered to himself as he quietly made his way through to the living room.

The French doors were open and he carefully rolled his chair down the ramp onto the decking air. He sat for a moment breathing in the fresh air, glad that he had dressed casually that morning in a light t-shirt, long green shorts that easily camouflaged the urine bag strapped to his upper thigh, no socks and his old worn running sneakers. He suddenly had the insane urge to kick off his sneakers. Leaning down Jensen pulled them off throwing them to one side and re-positioning his bare feet on the foot rests. Straightening up, he stretched his arms outwards revelling in the feeling of the warmth on his arms and wished, with everything that he was, that he could feel the warm sunlight on his bare legs and feet. "Tree. Me. Sunshine," Jensen snapped himself out of the black mood that threatened to descend over him.

Jensen took it slowly, carefully and expertly moving his chair along the rickety pathway running down the centre of the garden. He looked down in an effort to keep the chair in a straight line. It was hard going but Jensen was stubbornly determined. He was going to sit under that tree in the sunshine. The chair bumped over some loose slabs veering to the left and jarring Jensen's arms in warning. Jensen stopped, backed up and changed directions slightly continuing to manoeuvre himself along the pathway towards his goal. He looked up. He was nearing the tree and Jensen smiled to himself. "You can do it Ackles," he encouraged himself.

The chair jolted again as he hit a particularly uneven slab with the front wheels. Jensen tightened his grip on the top of the chair's wheels to stop himself, having completely forgotten that the garden sloped down towards the fence at the bottom. It all happened so fast. One minute he was sitting in the chair and the next minute he was falling as the chair unbalanced toppling over throwing Jensen out of his seat. Not able to brace himself with his useless legs, Jensen fell forwards. His ankles somehow got caught in the footrests bringing the chair down with him. His head hit the paving with a sickening thud and Jensen saw stars for a moment groaning in pain. When he forced his eyes open, Jensen found himself sprawled across the pathway, his chair laying on top of him pinning him to the ground. Jensen reached out trying to drag himself out from under his chair using his arms. His elbows stung and Jensen could see that they were grazed and bloody. He could feel the threatened tears of frustration at his useless body but continued to scrabble for a hand-hold knowing, deep down, that he should call out for help but his stubborn pride stopped him. A lone tear escaped running down his face as he wrestled to free himself. His head pounded in pain and Jensen blinked again as his vision blurred but not from the tears that ran unchecked down his face. "Jim is so gonna kill you," Jensen murmured as he lay his head back on the ground surrendering to the darkness.

**Jared**

Jared sat at the kitchen table nibbling at the top of his pen distractedly as he stared at the computer screen trying to make sense of the rows of computer code that filled the slightly flickering screen. He frowned as he scribbled down some symbols on his notebook before turning back to the computer and scanning his eyes across the screen. The code was intricate and cleverly designed. It was beautiful to Jared's mind and he marvelled at its simplicity and complexity, all mixed into one unique programme. He had already worked out most of the command codes and was now working on sorting out the operating codes.

He grabbed for his mug and took a sip of his now lukewarm coffee. It was Saturday. Jensen had remained in the study after his morning therapy and hadn't reappeared all morning. Jared had taken him some coffee mid-morning finding him engrossed in the Agency's paperwork. Jensen had mumbled a thank you but hadn't really acknowledged Jared's presence. With nothing else to do, Jared had powered up his laptop and was working on one of the computer programmes that the Agency owned. When Jim had found out that he had worked in computer programming, the older man had given him several discs asking him to look at them if he had the time. He was being paid far too much just to look after Jensen so Jared had been working on the computer system gradually working his way through the discs and had already sorted out the accounting system at the office, much to Loretta's delight.

Jared liked Loretta, liked her warm and generous nature, liked the way she handled Jensen and made him smile. Jensen had started to protest about him working at the office but had been silenced by one look from Loretta as she cleared the desk in the corner for him to use. Jensen had given them both his usual glare before surrendering and disappearing into his office for the rest of the day, not surfacing until it was time to head home.

And three days later, Jared was still enjoying the work. It was a challenge. The Agency's computer system, although modern and well designed, needed some tender loving care and Jared had taken on the work throwing all his efforts and enthusiasm into the task. It also served to distract him from his grief and his continued frustration at Jensen's behaviour towards him.

He turned back to the current programme he was working on. All the programmes apparently had been specifically designed for the Agency by a college friend of Jensen's, Chad Lindberg. According to Jim, Chad had worked for the Agency for a month developing various programmes before deciding to leave for a commune in San Francisco. Before leaving, Chad had signed all the legal rights of the programmes he had developed over to Jensen and Jim for them to use in the work of the Agency. The only problem being that no-one except for Chad knew how the programmes worked.

Jared put his mug down as he scanned the screen once again. He scribbled some more notes on his notepad. Gripping the pencil in his teeth and ignoring the fact that small bits of the outer covering were now coating his tongue, Jared quickly tapped at random keys putting right a small error that had somehow appeared in the coding.

Jared glanced at the screen immediately noting the difference his correction had made. He smiled to himself satisfied with his efforts. Computers and programming had always been a passion. For some reason he had a natural talent for programming and understanding the intricacies of computers. His grandfather had wanted him to go to college and study further but Jared knew that they couldn't afford it and he wasn't brave enough to try for a scholarship, frightened of failing, frightened of letting his grandfather down. It had been the only thing they had ever quarrelled about. They had argued long and loud both determined and stubborn. They hadn't spoken for a week and finally after a week of icy silence, his grandfather had reluctantly given up trying to encourage him to attend college. Jared had been relieved finally able to tell his grandfather that he had a job in a nearby technology company within their programming department. The pay was awful but Jared loved the job and had learned a lot from the Head Programmer who had immediately recognised his talent.

Staring at the rows of code as they scrolled down the screen, Jared let his mind wander aimlessly. The code blurred into one on the screen as Jared lost himself in his memories. Memories of his childhood, memories of the time he had spent with his grandfather. Memories of dark winter nights when instead of going out to bars and clubs, Jared had spent curled up in their battered armchair listening as his grandfather read to him from one of his precious books. Wonderful memories that warmed his heart and soul. Memories he knew he would cherish to the end of his days.

They had been best friends. Young and old finding a common ground in each other, assuaging the loneliness the other felt. His grandfather has always been there for him. With kind and encouraging words when Jared felt miserable or confused. With a band aid for his cut knees and elbows. With his soft gentle love touching and comforting him whenever he needed it, and sometimes when Jared thought he didn't. And in the end, Jared had returned the favour even though band aids wouldn't cure or heal his grandfather's pain. Jared had been there at the end gripping his grandfather's hand tightly as he watched the light slowly fade from his best friend's eyes finally giving him the blessed release from the suffering and confusion that Jared had secretly craved for him, all through his long illness.

Jared's breath hitched slightly as the thought that he would never see, hear or talk to his grandfather again bombarded his mind. The pain was deep and still raw, the hurt reminding him of his loss every day. It had been a long, painful and lonely two months. Deep down, Jared knew that he had been running away when he had up and left the only home he had ever known but for some reason he couldn't explain to anyone, even himself, it just felt right. He was on a journey searching for something he couldn't quite touch or see but, in his heart, knew was out there, waiting for him to discover it. He also knew that his grandfather would approve, would have encouraged him to get on with his life. Jared could almost hear his grandfather whispering words of encouragement, could almost feel the touch of his arthritic fingers against his back as he pushed him forwards. The thoughts spurred Jared on, made him determined but it was hard. It was lonely. And the ache of his loss never seemed to leave him.

Jared shook his head bringing himself back to staring at the computer screen. He could just about see his reflection in the screen behind the lines of code as he idly thought that humans weren't that different from computers, made up of lines of unique coding that made them who they were.

His thoughts turned to Jensen. Green eyes, pouty full lips, soft laugh and a warm smile that appeared whenever Loretta made Jensen laugh. It had happened a couple of times out of the blue when Loretta had been mock scolding the older man. Jared had been right - Jensen had a beautiful smile, it lit up his entire face removing the ever present scowl wiping away the tiredness from his expression and the dullness from his eyes. Jared sighed angry with himself cursing his traitorous brain. Jared knew it was stupid, possibly even insane, but he desperately wanted Jensen to like him, may be even secretly needed Jensen to like him. Jared didn't really believe in love at first sight but in Jensen's case, he found himself immediately attracted, drawn to the older man, like a moth to the flames. He also knew, like the moth, he was probably going to get burned but he couldn't help himself. Jared sighed again. "He hates you," he said to himself.

He had been alone with Jensen for three days and the older man had hardly spoken two dozen words to him. Even when he was giving Jensen his massages, they were carried out in complete silence with Jensen staring out of the window lost in his thoughts. So far his only reaction had been a slight tensing of his shoulder muscles when Jared inspected his legs, back and ass for pressure sores. Jared had decided that he would even settle for snark at this point, at least that way he would know that Jensen had actually noticed him.

Jared blew out a long breath and turned his attention back to the laptop. Perhaps if he solved the glitch with the computer programme and helped the Agency in some way, Jensen would may be like him a little bit more, perhaps even talk to him. "Yeah right," he cursed under his breath. "And I just saw a pig fly past the window."

Jared stared morosely back at the laptop screen for a moment before his stomach rumbled reminding him that it was way past lunch time. He pulled himself up from the chair stretching out his body and moving his neck from side to side to iron out the kinks from sitting so long at the laptop. Grabbing the kettle, he moved over to the window and stared out into the garden as he turned on the tap. Jared's mouth dropped open and he stood frozen to the spot for a moment. "Oh shit," he choked out at the sight. Jensen was laying half way down the garden, his wheelchair on top of him and Jared could just about make out his hands scrabbling on the stone pathway trying to lever himself up from under the chair. Then Jensen went still. Panic gripped him jolting him out of his trance. Jared dropped the kettle and headed for the door thinking that Jim would probably kill him if Jensen was hurt in any way on his watch.

 

Jared ran down the pathway, ignoring the fact that he was bare foot. "Jensen," he cried dropping to his knees as he reached the older man's side. He reached out tentatively but immediately snatched his hand back, suddenly unsure whether he should touch Jensen or not. "Please be OK," he whispered to himself noticing that Jensen's elbows were badly grazed and that he had a small bloody cut on his forehead. He patted his pockets desperately searching for his cell phone cursing under his breath when he remembered leaving it on the kitchen table. Jared bit at his lip, torn. He wanted to get Jensen help but didn't want to leave him while he retrieved his cell phone from the house.

Before he could come to a decision, Jared's attention was drawn back to the older man as Jensen stirred groaning softly as he forced his eyes open. Everything was still blurry but Jensen sensed that someone was kneeling close to him, Jared he assumed. He blinked trying to clear his vision. His head and elbows hurt and Jensen was suddenly grateful that he couldn't feel anything below his waist because he was sure that his knees, legs and feet would probably be painful too. Jensen looked up to see a worried looking Jared looking down at him. He gave a small smile that came out more a grimace.

"Jensen," Jared blew out a breath. He knew it was a stupid question before he opened his mouth but couldn't help himself asking. "Are you OK?"

Jensen ignored the question and groaned again wishing that he could turn over onto his back. He glanced downwards noting he was still trapped under his wheelchair. "Get the damn chair off me," he snapped, Jared's expression clouded over and Jensen immediately felt guilty for snapping. He closed his eyes briefly breathing deeply. It wasn't Jared's fault that he had attempted the pathway without help. Jim was definitely going to kill him.

"Sorry," Jared mumbled blushing furiously cursing himself that he hadn't moved the chair before now. He shifted himself towards the chair quickly appraising the easiest way to remove Jensen from underneath. Reaching forwards, he carefully untangled Jensen's feet from the foot rests. He noted with concern that Jensen's knees and the tops of his toes were also grazed and bloody. Forcing himself back to his task and satisfied that Jensen's legs was clear from the wheelchair, Jared pulled himself to his feet and righted the chair, placing it to one side and setting the brakes. He turned back to Jensen but only managed to roll him over and pull him into a sitting position before the older man was batting his hands away. "I can do it," Jensen snapped wincing slightly as he flexed his arms.

"Fine," Jared snapped back as he stepped away putting his hands up in surrender. "Be my guest," he challenged folding his arms across his chest.

Jensen glared up at Jared for a moment. Jared glared back tightening his arms across his chest, jutted his chin out and held Jensen's angry stare. Jensen glared again before turning away from Jared. He took a deep breath and using the strength in his arms, slowly hauled himself towards his chair. His legs, as usual, dragged behind making it difficult to manoeuvre. Jensen could feel tears stinging again and bit at his lip in an effort to force them away as he pulled his legs so they were stretched out in front of him. He glanced at the chair. He could do this, knew he could do this. All it would take was strength and will power. Jensen ignored the little voice, in his head, telling him that it would be impossible to lever himself up into the chair with his injured arms. He could ask for help, but his pride wouldn't let him ask Jared for assistance. Stubbornly determined, Jensen reached up placing one hand in the seat. He braced himself and tried to drag his unco-operative body into the chair. Jensen attempted the manoeuvre once, twice, three times. Each time his arm shook with the effort, his elbow throbbing in pain. Each time he failed. He slumped back to the ground breathing hard. He counted to ten in his head before trying again. Before he could put his hand on the seat for the fourth time, Jensen caught a movement to his right.

"Don't be such a stubborn asshole," Jared stepped forward not able to bear watching Jensen torture himself any more, no longer able to ignore the tears of frustration and anger welling in the older man's eyes.

"I can do it," Jensen protested again desperately trying to stop the waver in his voice without success.

Jared rolled his eyes. "I've never met anyone so damn stubborn," he huffed in irritation.

"I said I could do it," Jensen repeated angrily. He knew he was being childish but couldn't seem to help himself. "I don't need your help."

"Yeah right," Jared said. "Well you're getting it. Like it or not. So deal," he reached down before Jensen could protest again and grabbed him firmly, but gently, under the arms and hauled him up supporting him in strong arms and against his body. Jared shuffled them sideways lowering Jensen carefully into the chair making sure the cushions were positioned behind his back. He bent over carefully arranging Jensen's legs and feet. Kicking off the brake, Jared grabbed the handles and wheeled Jensen back towards the house. Once in the living room, Jared grabbed for the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Jensen asked cocking his head to one side.

Jared balanced the receiver in the crook of his neck and looked towards Jensen. "Calling you an ambulance," he said.

"No," Jensen protested.

"What?" Jared stared at Jensen incredulously. The man in the wheelchair looked a complete mess and Jared couldn't help feeling a little guilty knowing that he should have been keeping a better eye on Jensen. Jim would be so disappointed with him. He looked at Jensen - blood from the cut on his forehead was running down his facing mixing with the obvious tear tracks. Bruising was appearing around one eye and his grazed elbows and knees were bloody and raw looking. Even his bare toes looked scuffed where they had caught behind the foot rests.  "Are you nuts?"

"I said no," Jensen protested wheeling himself over to Jared and snatching the telephone from his hand. He glared up at Jared.

"You could have broken something," Jared waved a hand at Jensen's legs. "And not know."

"Thanks for reminding me that I can't feel my legs," Jensen snapped angrily. He banged the receiver down on the cradle glaring up at Jared again.

"I didn't mean anything....," Jared trailed off suddenly unsure what to say.

"Whatever," Jensen hissed. "They don't look broken," he stared down at his blood stained legs. They looked the same as they always did. Pale, thin, unmoving and totally useless.

"How can you tell?" Jared asked. "Man. You look like road kill," he blurted out without thinking.

"You have a great way with words," Jensen snapped back. He wiped at his face smearing his hand with blood.

Jared flushed in embarrassment. "We should get you checked out in the Emergency Room," he insisted. "Just in case." He didn't think Jensen had broken anything but thought it was best to check.

"No ambulance. No hospital," Jensen enunciated each word so his meaning was understood. "I'm fine. It looks worse than it is," he said shrugging as he wiped at his head again absently.

"You're hurt," Jared said waving a hand at Jensen.

"I'm fine," Jensen ignored the blood that had stained his shorts and t-shirt and now his hand. He didn't miss the tone of concern in Jared's voice and glanced up noting the worry on the younger man's face. Jensen frowned confused and surprised that Jared looked so concerned about him. A feeling of warmth washed over him, confusing him even more.

"You knocked yourself out," Jared continued to protest. "You could have a concussion."

"I don't have a concussion," Jensen barked.

"Since when did you suddenly obtain a medical degree?" Jared shouted angrily. "Head injuries can be pretty nasty dude," he said trying to calm himself. He was concerned about Jensen and the stubborn asshole wasn't helping his worry levels at all.

Again Jensen was confused about the ferocity of Jared's concern. "Please," he said so softly Jared nearly missed the words.

"Jensen," Jared started to say, determined that they were going to the hospital whether Jensen liked it or not.

"I hate hospitals," Jensen interrupted. "I spend way too much time there. Please," he pleaded. Jensen knew he was begging, knew that it sounded pathetic even to his own ears but he really didn't want to go to the hospital. "Please," he said softly again. "You could fix me up."

Jared pursed his lips not able to ignore the pleading and hopeful look on Jensen's face. He attempted to turn away from Jensen, hardening his heart but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to ignore Jensen, could feel himself softening towards the older man. Jared could also understand Jensen's dislike of the hospital as he had regular fortnightly appointments, but also knew that he should probably be checked out by experts. "I don't know," he wavered slightly. "You were out for a few seconds."

"I feel fine," Jensen insisted, not able to keep the hope out of his voice. "I've got a hard head," he said.

"I've noticed," Jared couldn't help retorting with a small grin.

Jensen scowled at him even though he knew that he probably deserved the comment. "You done with insulting me?" he asked with a pout.

"Yeah I think so," Jared teased.

Jensen narrowed his eyes at Jared. "I am not going to the hospital. So deal," he said firmly daring Jared to contradict him. He glared but knew that his expression was betraying his hope.

Jared stared at Jensen for a moment, studied the look of hope on Jensen's face that the older man was obviously trying desperately to hide. He sighed hoping that he wouldn't regret his decision. "OK," Jared agreed. "But on one condition."

Jensen rolled his eyes in frustration. "Stubborn much," he huffed folding his arms awkwardly across his chest.

Jared quirked his eyebrows at Jensen who looked away flushing slightly. Jared managed to resist the temptation to give a smart retort about taking one to know one. "This is how it's gonna work. If I think that anything needs professional attention. Or I think something might be broken. Or I think your head may be causing your problems we go straight to the Emergency Room. Deal?" he said instead cocking his head to one side waiting for Jensen's answer.

"It's only grazes and stuff," Jensen made a last attempt to protest. "And just who the hell put you in charge?"

"Jim," Jared answered immediately.

"Yeah," Jensen sighed. "Remind me to talk to him about that."

Jared ignored the mumbled comment. "Deal or not?" he pressed, determined.

Jensen rolled his eyes in frustration again, having the distinct impression that he was fighting a losing battle and that the deal was non-negotiable. Jensen Ackles had finally met his match - Jared Padalecki. Jensen blew out a breath. "OK," he agreed reluctantly. "You win."

Jared grinned triumphant. "I knew you would see it my way," he said.

Jensen scowled. "It's only the first battle ... not the war," he threatened scowling again.

Jared laughed lightly. "Bring it on," he said, suddenly feeling confident in the older man's presence. May be they even stood a chance of becoming friends. He smiled to himself.

Jensen ignored the comment and veiled challenge. "Where do you wanna do your Florence Nightingale impression?" he asked instead.

"Study," Jared replied kicking the chair's brakes off again. "The couch will make stuff easier," he said as he slapped at Jensen's hands. Jensen let out a frustrated growl but allowed Jared to wheel him out of the room placing his hands on his lap, not able to believe that he was allowing Jared to manhandle him. Jensen decided that he was getting soft in his old age.

Once in the study, Jared tilted the head of the couch upwards so that Jensen would be more comfortable. He turned back to Jensen knowing that the older man could get up onto the couch on his own as he did every day for his daily exercises and massages. "I know you can do it. You know you can do it," he leaned forwards.   "But your elbows and arms probably hurt like hell. And you look a little shaky. So let's cut all the stubborn I can do it crap... and let me help you," Jared said firmly waiting for Jensen's agreement.

Jensen regarded the determined young man for a moment. He wanted to get up on the couch by himself but knew that Jared was right. He did feel shaky and his elbows were throbbing in pain. He gave a small nod of permission. "OK," he whispered, not able to stop of flush of embarrassment at admitting that he needed help. It felt so alien to him and Jensen bit at his lips. Crying was not an option.

Jared ignored Jensen's obvious discomfort and gave a small nod of his own. Leaning further forward, Jared braced himself as he carefully lifted Jensen into his arms surprised, despite his well muscled body, that he was so light. Jared transferred Jensen to the couch, arranging his legs carefully and then pumping the pillow up behind his back. "First aid kit?" he asked.

"In my bathroom," Jensen murmured. "Under the sink."

"Be right back," Jared headed towards the door. "And no escape attempts," he warned as he disappeared out of the door.

Jensen scowled at Jared but remained silent watching as the younger man hurried out of the room to retrieve the first aid kit. It suddenly hit him and he cursed himself that it had only just occurred to him. Jensen could feel the panic rising up, could feel his neck and face flushing bright red again. "Oh God," he whispered as he looked towards the door making sure that Jared had left the room. Jensen cautiously slipped his hand down the side of his shorts feeling for the urine bag, terrified that it may have been damaged when he fell out of his chair. His heart thudded in his chest and his stomach constricted. He knew it was a stupid fear but also knew that he would die of embarrassment and shame if Jared saw him sitting in his own urine. "Please," Jensen whispered to himself as he patted his leg checking for any sign of dampness. Miraculously the bag seemed to be intact and Jensen breathed a huge sigh of relief. His panic started to abate and he slumped back against the pillow closing his eyes breathing deeply in an effort to calm himself. His head hurt and his knees and elbows stung but at least he wasn't on his way to hospital. Jared would take care of him. Jensen snapped his eyes open wondering where the thought had come from. He felt suddenly terrified - Jared was getting through his carefully constructed defences.

**Ten minutes later......**

Jared had already bathed, cleaned and bandaged Jensen's head, cleaned up his elbows and was now working carefully on his legs. Jared had gently run his hands up and down Jensen's legs in turn and couldn't feel any evidence of breaks but made a mental note to keep on eye out for bruising or any other signs developing over the next few days. He had now turned his attention to the grazed knees. Jensen had remained quiet throughout the whole process, unusually silent and compliant with Jared's ministrations. He seemed totally lost in his own thoughts. Jared flexed Jensen's right knee carefully as he leaned forward to make sure all the dirt was out of the wound. As he worked on the knee, Jared couldn't help thinking how strange it was to tend to something so obviously painful without a flinch or reaction. Jensen had reacted to his ministrations on his head and elbows, flinching every now and again as he dabbed at the injuries cleaning them. But with his legs and knees, there was no reaction and it made Jared feel suddenly sad that Jensen couldn't even feel how gentle he was trying to be, even though he knew the older man felt absolutely nothing. He desperately wanted Jensen to know that he was being gentle and caring with him. It was important to Jared, for reasons he couldn't even explain to himself. Jared sighed to himself and dabbed at the blood again.

Jensen had been silently watching Jared as he cleaned, bathed and tended to his injuries. Jensen was mortified that Jared had to take care of him due to his stupidity at wanting to sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine like a normal person. But as usual his stupid and useless legs stopped him from doing what he wanted. And right now, Jensen wanted to push Jared away. Wanted to run and hide. Wanted to be alone to lick his wounds in his own private misery. Jensen turned back to study Jared. He sensed that the younger man was being gentle and careful in his ministrations telling Jensen exactly what he was going to do, in a soft voice, before he did it. It showed in all his actions, on the expression on his face, even in his words. He knew it was stupid but for some reason it irritated Jensen, made him feel even more useless than normal. He bit at his lip endeavouring to keep his growing temper in check.

Jensen watched as Jared flexed his right knee dabbing at the blood. Jared always seemed to be gentle in his actions as he was every day during the exercises and massages. Even though Jim was his best friend, he was never that gentle and caring. Jensen suddenly had the insane urge to feel Jared's hands on his legs, feel the soft caress as he wiped at the blood and skin. He felt anger and frustration surge through his body at his inability to feel Jared's gentleness towards him.

"OK?" Jared looked up at Jensen with a small smile. "Nearly done."

"You don't have to be so careful," Jensen snapped unreasonably as he gave way to his angry frustration. "It's not as if I can feel what you're doing to me."

Jared's face clouded over and Jensen immediately felt guilty and he looked away ashamed at his harsh words. "May be," Jared said finally, feeling hurt by Jensen's words. "But just because you can't feel my hands..... or what I'm doing doesn't mean I have to be.... to be rough with you."

"You don't have to care," Jensen said angrily.

"I know... and you make it so damn difficult," Jared retorted with a shrug. "But I do. So deal."

Jensen glared at Jared for a moment. "Sorry," he forced out. "It's.... it's just that I'm not used to it," he admitted quietly. "Even Jim.... and don't get me wrong I love the guy.... but he's never as gentle as you."

"Well get used to it," Jared grinned as he carefully applied a bandage to Jensen's knee before positioning the leg back on the couch. "Now let's get the left one all cleaned up," he flexed Jensen's other leg.

"Guess they sting huh?" Jensen asked softly, almost wistful. "If these are anything to go by," he nodded down at his reddened elbows.

"I guess," Jared replied, not able to look up at Jensen knowing that if he did he would probably cry just from the wistful and hopeless tone in the older man's words. For a split second, Jared almost wished that Jensen could feel the obvious pain caused by the grazes. He bit at his lip concentrating hard on cleaning Jensen's knee.

"So," Jensen said tentatively shaking Jared from his miserable thoughts. "Does this mean I don't have to go to the hospital?"

"Looks that way," Jared forced himself to look up briefly from his task. "Just scrapes and grazes. And you're gonna have a beautiful black eye. And I'm still gonna keep an eye on you for a possible concussion."

Jensen rolled his eyes frowning. "Nothing a couple of pain killers won't cure," he said hopefully.

"We'll see," Jared mumbled. "So what were you doing out in the garden?"

"Just... you know," Jensen waved his hand absently at the window. "It was sunny... and you know...," he tailed off not knowing how to explain the need to just sit out in the sun. "Just kinda wanted to sit under the tree," Jensen flushed bright red at the admission.

"You coulda asked," Jared chided gently.

"I know," Jensen bit at his lip, not wanting to admit that he didn't know how to ask, always found it difficult to ask for help. "I'll ask next time," he promised with a small smile. "Because I have a feeling that when Jim finds out... I am in big trouble. He'll have my ass in a sling."

Jared chuckled. "Mine too I suspect. So it'll be our secret," he promised. "I won't tell if you don't."

"Deal," Jensen shyly held out his hand.

"Deal," Jared gently slapped at the offered hand. He was seeing a different side to Jensen and he liked it, had always known the softer side was there, lurking somewhere behind the prickly exterior that Jensen seemed to project all the time. He threw the cloth to one side, mind suddenly made up.

Five minutes later and before Jensen knew what was happening, he was back in his wheelchair being pushed down the garden by Jared. "Here OK?" Jared asked as he positioned the chair under the tree.

"Yeah," Jensen said. "Thanks Jared."

"OK," Jared replied. "Shout if you want anything," he turned to head back up the garden. "I'll be in the kitchen. Do you want some lunch?"

"No," Jensen shook his head. "I'll have something later."

"OK," Jared nodded.

"Stay," Jensen offered shyly catching hold of Jared's arm and squinting up at the younger man.   He blushed not knowing what had suddenly possessed him. "If you want," he shrugged giving Jared an out.

"Cool," Jared grinned widely as he flopped down onto the ground crossing his legs. He beamed up at Jensen.


	4. A Step Towards the Future

**Early Sunday morning.......**

He flings one arm across his face and moans softly. He can hear shouting. It rings loudly in his ears making his head hurt. He can hear his own voice raised in anger through the fog muddling his brain. He turns his head to the side whimpering slightly as the angry voices fill his head deafening him in their intensity. His whole body seems to vibrates as the voices grow louder and louder overwhelming his very soul. He listens hard trying to hear what the voices are saying but it's all a blur and drone of indistinct noise.

He rolls his head again screwing up his eyes in distress as he feels the sting of a slap across one cheek. His skin tingles as a second and third slap joins the first. He turns his head again instinctively turning away from the burning sensation. His hands are clenched into tight fists and his teeth hurt from the effort of gritting them, resisting the strong urge to fight back. He wants to move his hand up to soothe away the stinging pain of the slaps but before he can move a white light explodes into his vision as a fist hits him hard in the face followed by a fourth stinging slap. Fingers dig cruelly into each of his arms and he's being shaken as the voice screams at him again. He cries out turning away from the pain, turning away from the hurt. Turning away from the loud angry voice. He feels lost and alone. Defeated and tired. Somehow he finds the strength deep within him to pull away from the tight grasp. His own voice sounds in his ears again, this time sounding strong and determined despite the slight waver he can hear in the tone.

He shivers and moans softly. The other voice is deafening but this time it's begging and pleading but it's growing softer and softer fading into the distance as he feels himself moving away, free at last.

The other voice is screaming and shouting at him now but he ignores the words, the imploring tone and promises he has heard so many times before. He's free. He jerks as he hears a loud retort echo through the air filling his head. The sound is familiar to him and he scrunches up his face. He whimpers again rolling his head from side to side as something slams into him and an excruciating pain lances through his whole body. The agony intensifies as a second retort rings out. He can't stop himself. His knees buckle and he's falling. He feels his body hit the floor. His hands claw at the carpet as he tries to escape from the misery and will away the agony, will away the red hot fire radiating up and down his spine. He can feel dampness beneath him and he glances down and sideways mesmorised by the perfect white carpet slowly turning red. Confused, he puts his hands underneath his body trying to push himself up. He cries out again as agony shoots through his whole body and he collapses back to the floor. He raises his head to stare at his hands. Red and bloody. Stained with his blood. He screams as the darkness descends upon him enveloping him in an eerie silence where only he exists.

Jensen jerks awake. Still half locked in the nightmare, he looks around the room in panic. He can't turn or roll over and he can feel his heart pounding in his chest. The terror of the nightmare grips him threatening to strangle him with its ferocity. Jensen wants to call out to Jared but he knows he won't, too afraid of seeing pity in the younger man's eyes. He's propped up on his right side and he grabs for one of the pillows hugging it tightly as he tries to calm himself. He can feel that he is bathed in sweat, his heart is still racing with terror and his mouth is dry. He takes slow deep breaths desperately trying to convince himself that he's safe. That it's over. That it's just a nightmare. Jensen can feel himself slowly calming and buries his head into the pillow knowing that he won't get any more sleep. He can feel the sobs rise up within him and he lets the tears flow freely muffling the sound in the pillow.

**Four hours later......**

"Morning," Jared turned from the oven as he heard Jensen wheel into the kitchen. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced up and down checking the older man out trying to work out if he was suffering any after-effects from his accident. Jensen was wearing sweat pants so he couldn't see his knees, but his elbows still looked red raw and he was sporting a black eye. "Coffee's on," he waved a hand at the coffee pot, also noting that Jensen looked tired and pale. Jared had heard Jensen cry out during the early hours of the morning. It had woken him and he had been half out of bed before deciding that going to the older man's room wasn't one of his best ideas and probably wouldn't be welcomed. He had lain awake for over an hour fighting the urge to go to Jensen, before finally falling back to sleep. Jared wanted to help. From personal experience, he knew how painful and distressing nightmares could be. He sighed wishing that Jensen would trust him, just a little bit. Jared knew that he could help in some way. He just knew it. Jared stabbed at the eggs trying to work out a little bit of his frustration.

"Thanks," Jensen mumbled grabbing a mug and wheeling himself over to the counter. He poured himself a coffee taking a quick sip. He blinked a couple of times rolling his head from side to side. He took another sip of the hot liquid hoping that the caffeine would make him feel half human. Jensen was still tired. After the nightmare had woken him, he had stayed awake staring up at the ceiling because he was too frightened to close his eyes again in case the images came back to torture him.

"How are you feeling?" Jared asked as he continued to stir at the scambled eggs.

"OK," Jensen replied taking a yet another sip of his coffee before wheeling himself over to the table.

"I'll check you out after breakfast," Jared said. He kept his voice even, calm knowing that Jensen would object and he wasn't disappointed.

"You don't have to," Jensen protested knowing, deep down, that he wouldn't get away with it. "I'm fine. Really. Like I said yesterday... just scrapes and stuff."

"We had a deal," Jared turned slightly waving the wooden spoon at Jensen. He shrugged slightly. "And anyway I can do it when we do your therapy."

Jensen rolled his eyes in frustration knowing that his protests were probably falling on deaf ears. Jared was stubborn, probably even more so than himself. Jensen sighed softly. "Elbows are a bit sore," he finally conceded. "So I guess that means my knees hurt too." He stared down at his legs, poking at his knees absently, wishing that he could feel the sting of the graze to his knees. Jensen grit his teeth against the churning in his stomach. He suddenly didn't feel hungry.

"I guess," Jared bit at his lips staring down at the egg mixture trying to ignore the same wistfulness in Jensen's voice that he had heard the day before. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jensen poking at his knees in an obvious effort to feel something. It made Jared sad, hurt him to think that Jensen desperately wanted to feel something, even pain. "Eggs are nearly ready," Jared said managing to keep the waver out of his voice.

"Not hungry," Jensen mumbled miserably.

"Well you're eating breakfast for a change," Jared said suddenly determined. "I slaved over these eggs. And even if I say so myself they're gonna be pretty damn good. So you'll eat them," he turned and glared at Jensen. "Start with some toast," he stabbed a finger at the plate sitting in the middle of the table piled high with already buttered toast.

Jensen snorted. "Bossy much," he snagged a piece of toast waving it at Jared before taking a bite. "Happy now?" he asked.

"Much," Jared smirked.

Jensen glared at Jared's back but continued to nibble at his toast. Jensen leaned back regarding Jared as he busied himself with cooking their eggs. Jared was baffling to Jensen. He couldn't remember ever meeting anyone like Jared before. On the surface, Jared seemed easy to read - full of restless energy that filled every space he occupied from his haphazard hand and arm gestures to his rapid-fire speech, easy laugh and eyes that sparkled with mischief and life. But at the same time, Jensen could sense a sadness lurking beneath the surface, concealed behind the outgoing Jared, a lonely sadness that the younger man didn't show or share with anyone, but for some reason he couldn't really explain, Jensen could see it plainly. He even recognised it - a lonely unhappiness that ate at your very soul, slowly destroying everything in its never-ending path.

Jensen shivered slightly at the thought. Jared was humming to himself as he prepared their eggs and Jensen couldn't help the small smile gracing his lips as he snagged a second slice of toast.

Jared, like Jim, Loretta and his close friends, treated him like a normal person completely ignoring the chair and his useless legs. Jensen was just Jensen to them. And Jared was the same. He was gentle with him, even when he didn't have to be, during the therapy sessions and yesterday when he had been patching him up after his stupid accident. Jared seemed to treat him as he would any other person and not once had Jensen seen a hint of pity in Jared's eyes, not even at their first meeting at the Agency. It made him feel warm inside, but the terror was always there creeping up on him smothering all the good feelings replacing them with fear and anger.

Jensen didn't want anyone ever feeling sorry for him. He did enough of that himself, revelling in his own private pity parties on a regular basis. Over the last eighteen months, he had become used to people treating him differently, judging him by his chair and making allowances for him. Allowances he didn't ask for, didn't want and wouldn't accept. Jensen always found himself on the defensive, ready to strike out, even before the other person had uttered a word. He could immediately see the pity in their eyes and he hated it with a vengeance. Hated how it made him feel, hurting him deeply. He was a strong confident person, always had been and the chair shouldn't make a difference but it did. Jensen knew he was still the same confident and strong person but now, with the chair, he found himself having to work harder to prove it. Prove to everyone, even himself, that he was a capable businessman and more importantly prove that him being stuck in a wheelchair didn't mean that the Agency and its staff were any less effective or competent than anyone else in their line of work.

Jared was a stranger to him really but the younger man treated him as though he had known him forever just like Jim, Loretta and his close friends. It was puzzling to Jensen but then everything was confusing to him right now and it was making his head spin, and Jensen admitted that he was scared. Scared of liking Jared too much. Scared that liking Jared would turn into something different. Something that Jensen had vowed never to feel again. Love. Jensen shivered again as he stared up at Jared's back. The past had hurt him and for some reason Jensen couldn't explain he allowed it to hurt him over and over again. The hurt and pain were like a shield, a protection, against ever feeling love again. He used his anger as a weapon to push people away. But somehow Jared was making him feel again and Jensen could feel the warmth bubbling just underneath the surface, making his skin prickle, his nerves tingle. Jared was bashing at the shields he had built around himself, ignoring the bursts of anger, asking and wanting to be let in and it made Jensen afraid and confused.

Jensen dragged his thoughts away from his confusion to the previous afternoon. Sitting underneath the tree in the warm sunshine had been good and Jensen smiled at the memory. They hadn't said anything to each other, just sat in a companionable silence enjoying the summer weather. Tired from not sleeping and hurting from his fall, he had soon fallen asleep. Jensen had awoken a few hours later to find Jared still sitting at his feet staring into the distance, lost in his own private thoughts. He had been surprised that Jared had stayed, even more surprised that he had been moved out of the direct sunlight into the shade of the tree. Jared cared and it terrified him but what terrified him even more was that, despite his attempts to push the younger man away, he liked Jared. Knew that if he let himself could even care for Jared. His hands trembled and Jensen grabbed the wheels of his chair in an effort to stop the shaking.

Jared turned from the oven, two plates heaped with scrambled eggs, in his hands. "You OK?" he frowned glancing across at Jensen, noting that the older man looked even paler than before.

"For the hundredth time. I'm fine," Jensen couldn't help snapping. "My elbows hurt... my legs probably hurt.... but I am so damn happy I could sing," he said angrily. He clenched one hand into a fist immediately feeling guilty for his bad temper. Jensen stared distractedly at the table.

Jared bit his bottom lip to prevent himself from snapping back. "No need to take my head off," Jared said as calmly as he could muster. "Just asking. OK?"

"OK," Jensen mumbled. He wanted to apologise for his bad temper but he couldn't seem to force the words out. "You suck," he thought to himself.

"Breakfast is served," Jared placed a plate in front of Jensen ignoring the older man's burst of temper.

"Not hungry," Jensen pouted. He stared at the eggs admitting that they looked good.

"Tough," Jared retorted. "I cooked. You eat."

Jensen jerked his head up and glared at Jared. Jared waved a fork at him. "It won't kill you," he pointed at the eggs. "And I think it was Jim's second... or was it his third instruction?" he scrunched up his face in thought. "Yeah it was second... right after make sure he drives carefully and right before make sure you go to bed early.... yeah get him to eat was right there in the middle," Jared gave a small smirk.

"Jim and I are gonna be having a serious conversation when he gets back," Jensen scowled but picked up his fork digging into the eggs. He was right, they were good. "And I am so gonna kick his ass. I might even put itching powder in his thong," he said.

Jared snorted. "Dude. Eating here," he protested with another snort.

Jensen couldn't help chuckling at the disgusted look on Jared's face. "Sorry," he said holding Jared's gaze for a moment, hoping that his expression conveyed to Jared that the apology wasn't just for the thong comment.

Jared smiled knowing from the earnest look on Jensen's face that the apology wasn't just for comment about Jim's thong. May be they stood a chance of being friends. He smiled again at the thought. "So what time do you wanna leave?" he asked as he scooped up another fork of eggs.

"Leave?" Jensen frowned, confused.

"Yeah," Jared grinned. "The Agency picnic. Loretta told me you go to some private beach. And today's the day. Right?" he grinned again.

"I never go," Jensen replied absently stirring at his eggs with his fork. It was a half lie. He used to go every year even when he was in the police force but since he had been confined to the wheelchair, Jensen couldn't bear to go. Couldn't bear to sit in his chair watching as others enjoyed the sand and ocean. Couldn't bear the thought of not being able to run in the sand and splash in the ocean. Jensen loved the ocean, loved the beach, had even saved up the deposit to buy a beach house but now it was just another reminder of what he had lost, what his past choices had destroyed forever.

"Oh," Jared couldn't keep the disappointment out of his voice. Jared had never seen the ocean. It was something he and his grandfather had always planned but had never done. Jared desperately wanted to go, hadn't been able to sleep with the excitement of, at last, seeing the ocean. But he didn't want to let Jim down, knew that the older man had put his trust and faith in him to look after Jensen and Jared was determined to do just that, despite Jensen fighting him on it at every turn. Jared decided that he could go and see the ocean after his month was up.

Jensen couldn't help noticing the tinge of disappointment in the younger man's tone and he looked across at Jared. "No reason you can't go," he said with a shrug. "You don't have to miss out because of me."

"No," Jared stood up placing his now empty plate on the counter. "It's OK," he said.

"I'll be fine here," Jensen said softly. "I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself for a day."

Jared turned and quirked his eyebrows at Jensen. He smiled despite his disappointment. "Yeah right," he said waving at Jensen's elbows and black eye. "You kinda demonstrated that so well yesterday."

Jensen scowled at him. "I said you can go," he said firmly, feeling guilty that he was denying something that Jared obviously wanted to do. "I promise to stay in the study and do some work. OK?"

"No," Jared said just as firmly. He glared at Jensen determined. "I can do some more work on those programmes," he said not able to help the small sigh escaping.

"Anybody would think you aint seen the ocean before," Jensen said with a sigh of his own.

"I haven't," Jared mumbled quietly as he worried his lower lip.

"What?" Jensen asked.

"I've never seen the ocean," Jared admitted softly blushing slightly. "My grandfather couldn't afford to take me. We planned to go.... but....," he worried his lip again giving a small shrug. "But..," he gave another shrug not wanting to finish the sentence or revisit the pain he felt when he thought of his grandfather.

"Oh," Jensen said stupidly not able to think of anything else. He'd grown up being able to visit the beach at any time and couldn't really imagine what it was like never to have seen the ocean or the beach.

"I'll be in the study," Jared said quietly as he headed towards the door. "I'll do your therapy .... then leave you to work. OK?" Jared disappeared down the hallway.

Jensen blew out a breath knowing that he was going to regret his next few words but he couldn't help himself deciding that everyone should see the ocean at least once in their life. "Jared," he called. "Get your crap together," he sighed to himself. "After the exercises, we're going to the beach."

Jared appeared back in the doorway with a huge grin on his face. "Really?" he said hopefully.

"Yeah really," Jensen replied not able to resist smiling back at a happy smiling Jared.

Jared had been right. He had seen it before in the office but up close, aimed directly at him, it was somehow different, more beautiful. Jensen's smile lit up his whole face softening the sharp angles and making his green eyes sparkle. Jared punched the air excited before grinning at Jensen again. "Well get your damn ass in gear," he bounced on the spot before disappearing down the hallway again. "Woo hoo," Jared yelled from the depths of his room.

Jensen couldn't grinning again stubbornly ignoring the little voice in his head trying to warn him of the dangers of getting too involved. He could feel his fears swirling in his stomach threatening to re-introduce him to Jared's wonderful eggs, but pushed the nauseous feeling away with deep breathing. Today Jensen Ackles was going to forget everything and enjoy himself.

 

**Sunday morning**

**Fifty miles away..........**

Former Special Agent Evan Bennett of the FBI stared out of the barred window contemplating how miserable his life was at the moment. He ignored the three other men in the room, turning his back on them supremely confident that they wouldn't approach him and judging them as inconsequential to him.

Evan had been in prison for nearly eighteen months and the days of his remaining sentence loomed in front of him in a never ending corridor of time, each day seeming longer than the day before. He sighed in frustration. His conviction and incarceration was all a terrible mistake. A nightmare he couldn't escape from. An injustice that Evan was desperate to put right. Needed to put right to prove to everybody, but more importantly to one man, that he wasn't a criminal. Evan lay awake each night lost in his memories, memories that kept him going, kept him sane when all around him madness reigned supreme and he was determined not to become ensnared by it. He was going to escape. Escape to the one person who would understand, who he knew loved him. The thoughts warmed his very soul, made him resolute and strong.

Evan forced his mind away from his past to his present. He had fully expected to be segregated from the other prisoners, as was usual with officers of the law, but the judge had dismissed his lawyer's impassioned pleas on the grounds of his crime, the attempted murder of a fellow officer and the act had afforded him no privileges whatsoever. Evan smiled grimly to himself. His crime, as well as his former profession, had in fact given him a certain standing and respect amongst the other inmates. And Evan used it to his advantage. He also used his height and well-muscled body against most of them, intimidating them with an inner confidence and belief in himself that seemed to shine outwards threatening those who dared to challenge him. Evan could see the fear in their eyes when he approached them and it filled him with the power he enjoyed and nurtured, a power over other people that he had always craved.

He vaguely noticed that the small holding room had suddenly become silent. Turning slightly, Evan watched as a large muscular dark haired man was pushed into the room by a guard. The man scowled nastily at the guard before strolling casually towards him. "Hey Ev. Penny for them," the man said placing his hand firmly on Evan's shoulder.

Evan knew that the man had shortened his name on purpose trying to get a rise out of him. He was determined not to bite. Unlike the other prisoners, Evan wasn't afraid of the man and had even formed an unlikely alliance with him. It suited his purposes for the moment. However, Ben Kemp was not a man to be trifled with. Kemp had murdered his entire family and was serving two life sentences but he had his uses. Uses that Evan had capitalised upon and would exploit until he had no further need of them or the man. Today, they were both being transferred to another prison facility in the next State. "Sweet freedom Benny," he replied holding Kemp's gaze challenging him. Kemp narrowed his eyes for a moment before turning away and stalking around the room glaring at the other prisoners, who cowered in the corner. Evan watched silently grinning to himself in triumph.

Kemp returned to his side and motioned him out of earshot of the other inmates in the room. "You ready for today Ev old buddy?" he grinned nastily.

"Of course, I'm ready," Evan replied haughtily. "Don't sweat it. I'll do my bit."

"Of course you will," Ben said smoothly showing his yellowish teeth in an evil smirk. "FBI agents always do their duty. Uphold the law and all that asshole crap." Evan half scowled at the man opening his mouth to retort. Ben cackled as he put an arm around Evan's shoulder, squeezing slightly. "Only messing with you. My friends have given the word. They're ready. You sure that this place will be safe to hole up in for a couple of days?"

"Yeah," Evan grinned. "We'll be OK there. And I have something I need to pick up before we go our separate ways."

"Really?" Ben quirked a curious eyebrow at Evan.

"Yeah," Evan smiled, the thought suddenly warming his insides. "I've got a new life to start with someone real special. He's waiting for me."

"Whatever man," Ben leered slapping Evan on the back hard. "As long as you get the money you promised me. We're cool."

"Don't worry," Evan smiled evenly. "The money's just waiting for you. You'll get everything you deserve."

"Cool," Ben replied slapping Evan on the back.

An hour later Evan and Ben had been chained up and loaded into the prison van accompanied by a prison guard and a driver.

Evan was becoming impatient and bored with watching the scenery flash by in a blur of green and brown. They had now been on the road for two hours and nothing had happened. They hadn't passed through any towns and he hadn't seen any other traffic on the road. Kemp was snoring loudly having slept for the whole trip so far, and it was beginning to annoy him and grate on his nerves. Evan nudged Ben awake. "Where are your damn friends?" he whispered angrily.

"Chill out man," Ben snorted in soft laughter. "They'll be here soon. Just be ready," he glanced down at his watch.

Evan turned away angry, staring out of the window at the passing scenery again. He let his mind wander to the man waiting for him. His one and only love. Evan knew he would be waiting for him. Would still love him. He smiled to himself imagining what they would do when they were, at last, together again. So lost in his thoughts, Evan didn't see the vehicle but he felt it as it slammed into the front of the prison van. He was propelled off the seat hitting the floor hard, Ben landing on top of him. . "Keep down," Ben warned as a small explosion rocked the van ripping the back door off its hinges with a groan of ripped metal.

Smoke had filled the back of the van and Evan coughed as it hit the back of his throat. He looked up seeing a dark figure standing on the steps to the back of the van. The doors had somehow miraculously disappeared and the smoke was slowly dissipating as the warm summer breeze rushed into the van. "Hey Ben. You in there?" the shadow called.

"Yeah, yeah. Just get us outta here," Ben barked around another cough as he dragged Evan to his feet.

The man hauled Ben and Evan out of the van. "Good to see you Benny," the man smiled widely.

"Chains Kenny," Ben ordered holding his wrists up. Quickly and efficiently, Kenny cut through the chains on their legs and wrists with large bolt cutters.

Nodding his thanks to the man, Evan rubbed at his wrists before accepting the gun and spare ammunition that was thrust into his hand. He tucked the gun into the back of his jeans and pocketed the ammo. He looked around to see the two guards sitting by the van. Another man had them covered with a gun. Ben moved towards them. He nodded at the man. "Jack."

"Ben," Jack nodded back. "What do you want us to do with these two?" he asked waving the gun at the guards. "Kenny and me could take them with us and dump them somewhere."

Ben glared at the two guards and spat. "Pigs." Taking the gun from Jack, he aimed at the first guard. "I'll teach you to push me around," Ben hissed as he shot the man in the head three times. Turning to the second terrified guard, he emptied the rest of the bullets into his chest. Turning to Jack. "Leave the pigs here for the buzzards. You and Kenny take the van and dump it. Evan and me will take your jeep. We'll meet up, as planned, in a couple of hours. You know where to go. OK? "

"OK," Jack replied handing Ben a small rucksack. "Spare ammo. Just in case you run into any trouble from the cops," he nodded before motioning to Kenny to follow him. "See you in two."

Evan stared as the two men roared off in the prison van surprised at how simple their escape had been and how little time it had taken. Fast and efficient. He liked that and smiled to himself. The three men would come in handy.

"Come on. Don't just stand there Evan my man," Ben urged as he headed towards the jeep.

Evan walked towards the vehicle briefly glancing down at the blood stained bodies of the two guards. Covered in their own blood, their eyes stared up at him lifelessly and Evan was surprised that he felt nothing at the brutal manner of their deaths. Evan kicked at one of the guards. These men were partly responsible for keeping him away from his love. He kicked at the dead man again before shrugging to himself and joining Ben. He slipped into the passenger seat of the battered jeep. "I'm free," Evan thought to himself. "I love you and I'm coming to get you. So we can be together," he smiled widely as Ben gunned the engine and pointed the jeep in the direction of the city.

 

**Sunday**

**The Beach**

**Two hours after breakfast ................**

Jensen stared out over the private beach that belonged to one of the Agency's best clients. For years, Jeff Morgan had let the Agency have exclusive use of his beach for their annual picnic and it hadn't changed much since his last visit, over two years ago. Small, sandy and exclusive with access to Jeff's beach house for changing clothes and a fridge to cool the beer.

Despite the ache inside, Jensen smiled to himself as he caught sight of the small group of people half way down the beach - the Agency detective staff and their families. "You're gonna have a good time," Jensen thought to himself desperately trying to dismiss all his fears and memories.

Jensen sighed to himself still trying to work out how he found himself sitting on the concrete hard-standing by Jim's truck. He glanced sideways and immediately knew the reason - Jared and the look of complete awe on his face. The younger man was standing at his side, their bag containing a change of clothes and their beach towels slung over one shoulder and a box filled with pastries in a free hand. He was staring open-mouthed at the scene before him. Jensen knew, deep down, that he had come here for Jared and Jared alone. He decided he was probably doomed.

Jensen turned his attention back to the beach deciding to leave Jared to his own thoughts for a moment. He groaned to himself as he saw two large figures running up the beach towards them.

"Hey man," the taller of the two men grinned broadly. "Long time."

"Who got your lazy ass outta bed?" the shorter man teased loudly.

"Well someone's gotta come and see if you two dudes are behaving," Jensen countered with a smile.

Jensen felt Jared shift beside him finally dragging his eyes from the ocean. He looked up and grinned at the expression on Jared's face. Jared blushed slightly, still not able to believe he was at the beach, had seen the ocean for the first time. He was desperate to get onto the beach, put his feet in the ocean but Jared wanted Jensen to enjoy himself as well today. He deserved it. "This is Jared," Jensen introduced. Jared gave a shy wave with his free hand. "And these two funny guys are Tobias and Alexander, Loretta's sons," Jensen said using their full names knowing full well that his friends hated them. He smirked up at the two men, knowing that they would get their revenge on him, but today Jensen didn't care.

"Hey man," Alexander slapped Jared on the back. "And call me Alex."

"Toby," the taller man corrected as he shook Jared's hand. "So you're the poor sucker Jim stuck with this bad ass," he teased grinning widely ignoring the death glare Jensen shot him.

"Hey," Jared smiled back before glancing down at Jensen. "He's not so bad," he smiled softly at Jensen.

"Yeah sure," Toby grinned. "When you get used to his bad ass attitude. Does he still pout like a little kid?"

"Hey," Jensen protested before Jared could reply. "Sitting here."

"So let's go and join the others," Alex suggested. "Food's good and I see you brought dessert," he said nodding towards the box in Jared's hand.

Jensen stared at the beach for a moment, his stomach clenching with a longing that he would never be able to explain. "I'm good here," he said softly. "I've got my book," he waved a tattered paperback at the men. "But take Jared," he pushed at the younger man.

Jared caught the wistful look on Jensen's face and decided there was no way he was leaving Jensen alone while he went onto the beach. "I'll stay too," he offered.

"No," Jensen protested.

Jared jutted out his chin determined. "I'm staying," he retorted glaring at Jensen.

"Go," Jensen growled as he glared back.

"When you two ladies have quite finished," Alex interrupted putting his hand up stopping the glaring match Jared and Jensen were indulging in. "Jensen. Quit being so stubborn and mule-headed," he nodded to his brother. Toby chuckled and moved forwards quickly.

Before Jensen could utter a protest, he had been lifted from his chair by the two men and balanced between them giving him no alternative but to put his arms around each man's neck. "Our Momma would take her wooden spoon to our asses if you stayed up here alone," Toby quipped.

"You too Jared," Alex threw over his shoulder. "Can you manage the chair?"

"Yeah," Jared grinned, already having folded it up. He grinned triumphantly at a scowling Jensen as he hefted the wheelchair into his free hand. Carefully balancing the box of pastries in his other hand, Jared followed Toby and Alex down the beach towards the group. As he walked, Jared couldn't help glancing to his right, marvelling at the sight of the ocean. The blues and greens of the water shimmered in the bright sunlight and Jared watched as the waves crashed towards the shore, rippling white and frothy as the ocean touched the yellow sand. Jared thought it was the most wonderful thing he had ever seen and couldn't wait to dip his bare feet into the ocean. Despite the fact that his feet sunk into the soft sand, he found himself bouncing slightly as he hurried after Toby and Alex.

**Half an hour later....**

Jensen squinted in the bright sunlight. Despite his misgivings about being at the beach knowing it would bring back memories he would rather forget, Jensen was enjoying the sunshine and the company. Toby and Alex had marched him down the beach depositing him gently onto one of the sun chairs where they had chatted about old times for a while. Jensen was now watching the two men play baseball with their children and the other members of the Agency staff and their families. He bit at his lip and clenched his hands into fists. Jensen wanted them to enjoy themselves, they deserved to enjoy themselves because every man he employed worked hard for him and the Agency. He didn't even really resent the fact that they could run bare-foot in the sand but the loud screams and laughter made his whole body ache with the desperation of wanting to join in.

Jensen remembered the last picnic he had attended. He had joined in with all the games, could almost see himself running along the shore-line his feet splashing in the ocean, could almost hear his laughter joining in with the others. It had been a good day even though the evening had ended in the usual punch to his face. Jensen shivered at the thought and he forced his mind away from that time, the time that haunted his dreams and waking hours. Instead he stared down at his bare unmoving legs hating them, hating himself, hating that the useless things wouldn't let him join in with the others. His previous happy mood and determination to have a good time was in danger of disappearing, threatened by the tears that he didn't want to shed any more and the thought that he had lost so much because of the feelings he had once had for someone who didn't really care about him.

Jensen blew out a shaky breath turning his attention to staring at the ocean and the tall figure standing in the shallows letting the small waves that rushed to the shore wash over his bare feet. Jared. He had vowed to keep his distance from Jared, terrified of getting hurt again but somehow Jared had gotten under his defences and Jensen found himself enjoying the younger man's company. Jensen could feel his resolve wavering. He liked Jared and wanted Jared to like him back. Jensen had let love die inside him but Jared was re-igniting the flame. Jensen could feel the warmth growing within him, could feel the ice around his heart slowly melting.

"Hey Jensen," Loretta's voice interrupted his musings. Jensen frowned slightly and tilted his head upwards to see Loretta's kind brown eyes smiling down at him and immediately had the distinct impression that Loretta had called his name more than once. He blushed.

"Hey," Jensen replied.

"I'm so glad you came," Loretta smiled at Jensen. "Are you having fun?"

Jensen returned the smile. Yeah," he replied trying to sound convincing. He was really enjoying himself but still yearned to join in.

"What's wrong baby?" Loretta asked kindly. She knew that Jensen found being at the beach difficult, knew that he had avoided the annual picnic for that reason, and could see, from his body language, that he desperately wanted to join in the baseball game. Not for the first time, Loretta felt helpless and sad wishing with all her heart that she could make everything in Jensen's world right again. She loved him like a son and desperately wanted him to be happy. Loretta could see in his eyes that Jensen was troubled, and was surprised to see a flash of confusion reflected in the greenness. Loretta frowned to herself.

"Nothing," Jensen replied with a small shrug as his eyes moved back to stare at Jared.

Loretta followed Jensen's gaze and smiled to herself suddenly knowing that Jared was the source of Jensen's confusion. Loretta liked Jared. Had liked him from the first day she had met him when he had wandered into the office looking for a job. She had immediately decided that the young man deserved a chance and had sent him through for an interview knowing, in her heart, that her instincts were right. Jared would be good for Jensen. She was convinced that he needed someone like Jared in his life, deserved someone like Jared, deserved to be happy after all the misery he had suffered. Both young men were so lonely, so wounded. Loretta bit at her lips firmly deciding that both young men would be good for each other. "He's a good boy," she noted with a smile.

"Who?" Jensen tried for innocent, failing completely.

"Jensen Ross Ackles," Loretta slapped at his arm. "Don't you play games with me. You're still not too big to put over my knees."

Jensen quirked an eyebrow at Loretta giving her a lopsided grin. "I love you too," he said softly. He turned back to stare at Jared.

"And sweet talking my ass won't help you either," Loretta chuckled as she flopped down in the chair next to Jensen. "You OK honey?" she asked gently. "You look beat."

"Yeah," Jensen nodded as he dragged his eyes away from Jared. "I'm fine."

Loretta snorted. She raised her hand and caressed the bruise on Jensen's face with a finger ignoring the flinch. "You look like road kill," she teased gently.

"So I've been told," Jensen replied with a small smile. "I'm fine. Really. Jared took care of me. OK?"

"And you let him?" Loretta couldn't help asking, surprised that Jensen had accepted the help.

"He kinda.... kinda out-stubborned me," Jensen gave another lopsided grin.

Loretta couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. "Finally met your match huh?" she asked.

Jensen glared at Loretta but there was no heat in the expression. "Jared's OK," he forced out, his voice wavering slightly. "I like him." Jensen felt his face and neck heat up at the admission and looked away from Loretta.

"I know you do," Loretta replied with a smirk.

Jensen jerked his head around to stare at Loretta. "How?" he challenged narrowing his eyes. "Been reading your own cards again?" he nodded to the tarot cards he could see in Loretta's pocket.

"No," she smirked. "Didn't need them this time," Loretta retorted absently stroking at her cards. She believed in the cards, believed that, sometimes, they helped with answers and solutions to problems. Reading the cards was a gift she had inherited from her grandmother and many of her readings had been accurate. She had seen misery and pain in Jensen's cards years before, when he had been sixteen years old, and had been too frightened and shocked to reveal the meaning to anyone, not his father, not even Jim. She had just held onto the vain hope that what she had seen was wrong. But a strange sense of foreboding had suddenly struck her one day and she had gathered her courage together and told Jim everything but it had been too late. Too late to help Jensen. Too late to stop the pain and misery he had suffered over the last eighteen months. Loretta sighed to herself berating herself, and not for the first time, for standing by and saying nothing for years. She knew that the guilt she felt would stay with her to her dying day.

Jensen rolled his eyes. "So you're psychic now?" he said scathingly.

Loretta glared. "No. Not even that. Woman's intuition," she declared.

"Give me a break," Jensen rolled his eyes again.

Loretta ignored Jensen as she started to count off her reasons on her fingers. "One. The way you look at him when you think nobody's looking," Loretta said. "Two. The way you let him look after you. You don't let anyone else do that. Not Jim. Not me."

"He's just stubborn," Jensen pouted. "So I gave up trying to fight his ass," he hissed knowing it sounded so weak, an excuse that wouldn't convince Loretta. She knew him too well.

"Three," Loretta continued with a knowing smirk. "The way you always buy his favourite doughnut. No-one else likes chocolate doughnuts. But they're Jared's favourite."

"Jim does," Jensen protested. He could feel the blush rising again on his neck and not because of the sun or beer he had drunk.

"No he doesn't. Jim likes apple," Loretta corrected as she flipped the pastry box open nodding at the three chocolate doughnuts staring accusingly up at them. "I heard you telling Toby and Alex to keep their paws off them because they were Jared's." Jensen blushed bright red and looked down fiddling with the hem of his shorts. "And four. The way you brought him to the picnic."

"He wanted to see the ocean," Jensen interrupted again. "He's never seen it."

Loretta ignored Jensen. "Shall I go on?" she asked with another smirk.

"He doesn't like me," Jensen said so quietly Loretta almost missed the words. Jensen continued to stare at the hem of his shorts. "He's just doing a job. In a month, he'll be gone."

Loretta nearly laughed out loud remembering that only a day ago she had been having the exact same conversation with Jared who was convinced that Jensen hated him. She shook her head in exasperation at the two young men. She caught a look at the expression on Jensen's face and the laugh died almost immediately. "Oh Jensen honey," she said, her heart going out to the young man hearing the words he didn't say - and I'll be alone again. He sounded so lost, so hurt. "I think he does. And you know here," she tapped his chest. "That it's not just a job for Jared."

Jensen jerked his head up and stared at Loretta narrowing his eyes at the older women. Loretta held his gaze and waited while Jensen searched her face knowing that he was looking for a lie, an untruth. "Yeah right," he finally said. Jensen knew that Loretta wasn't lying to him but just couldn't believe that Jared would be interested in someone like him. Someone in a wheelchair.

"You're just too mule-headed to see it," Loretta blew out a sigh. "You get that from your Daddy. Damn him for being.... being so stubborn and passing it onto you."

Jensen rolled his eyes in frustration. "Am not," he pouted. "I'm nothing like my father," he defended.

"No... no you're not," Loretta agreed softly. "Only in the stubborn stakes," she said ignoring the glare from Jensen.

"But..... but what ... what about?" Jensen waved a frustrated hand at his folded up wheelchair.

"Sweetie," Loretta sighed frustrated. "Forget the damn chair. You don't want people to judge you by the chair. But you do most of the judging yourself," she scolded softly.

"Loretta....," Jensen started to protest but the following words died on his lips knowing, deep down, that his friend was right. He did judge himself by the wheelchair. He was his own worst enemy. Jensen sighed staring down at his hands.

"And I very much doubt Jared judges you by it," Loretta continued pressing home her advantage. "I know he doesn't. And you're such a wonderful young man. Warm. Loving. And fun.... if only you'd let yourself," she said firmly. "You have to put the past where it belongs in the past and get on with your life."

"I know," Jensen worried his bottom lip with his teeth. "I'm..... I'm...," he stuttered afraid to admit his fears, afraid to admit that he was terrified.

"He's not...," Loretta went to say.

"I know," Jensen interrupted stopping Loretta mid-sentence. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes briefly against the stab of pain and hurt. "I know he's not. It's just...just.... Oh I don't know," he said frustrated.

"You could go and talk to him," Loretta suggested nodding her head in Jared's direction.

"Yeah, I'll just run down there now," Jensen couldn't help snapping. "Oh wait a moment ... I can't.... my stupid legs don't work."

"Jensen," Loretta snapped back. "Can the attitude. Or it's the wooden spoon for you," she threatened. Jensen glared again choosing to remain silent. "It's no big deal. I can get Alex and Toby to take you down there," Loretta offered firmly fixing Jensen with her best determined expression.

"No," Jensen said angrily. "That's just it.... I can't get down there on my own. And I hate it. I just feel so.... so useless all the damn time," Jensen said with a furious sigh. A tear slipped down his face unchecked and Jensen wiped at it angrily.

"Sweetie," Loretta soothed. She leaned sideways to touch Jensen, to comfort him. She could feel the pain and anger radiating off the younger man, could almost feel his desperation and hurt.

"Don't," Jensen flinched away from Loretta's touch knowing that he was probably hurting the older woman, but he couldn't help himself. He really didn't want anyone touching him right now. He could feel the threatened tears and he grit his teeth willing them away. "I want to have a happy day," he repeated over and over in his head like a mantra. After a moment of struggling to get himself under control Jensen turned to Loretta. "It's OK. Really," he gave his friend a half smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Really."

"OK baby," Loretta conceded not wanting to upset Jensen any more than she had already. "But I think the mountain just decided to come to Mohammed," she nodded towards Jared who was running up the beach towards them, a huge happy grin on his face. "I'll leave you two alone," Loretta pulled herself to her feet and patted Jensen's arm. "And be nice," she leant down and kissed his cheek.

Jensen smiled up at Loretta before turning his attention back to Jared. He wiped at his face again determined not to spoil either his day or Jared's. "Hey," he said as brightly as he could.

Jared beamed as he flopped down in front of Jensen's chair, deciding to ignore the older man's red-rimmed eyes. He had seen the look in Jensen's eyes earlier, the longing and sensed immediately that he was upset. The feeling of wanting to help, wanting to do something surged up within him again and Jared suddenly felt even more determined to help Jensen, whether it was invited or not. He grinned up at Jensen.

"So what do you think?" Jensen waved a hand at the ocean.

"Wow," Jared breathed. "Just wow."

"Guess that means you're impressed?" Jensen quipped.

"Sorta," Jared teased with a happy grin. "Do you wanna come down to the ocean with me?" he asked. "We could sit in the shallows."

Jensen shook his head. "No," he replied but couldn't help staring longingly at the blue ocean. "I'm OK here."

"Yeah right," Jared jumped to his feet spraying sand everywhere. He had a plan and hoped that it would work. Jared turned his back on Jensen and crouched down, offering the older man his back. "Come on," he encouraged. "I'll give you a piggy back."

"I'm not five," Jensen pouted. "And I said I'm fine right here."

"Stop trying to out-stubborn me," Jared said with a cocky grin. "You know I always win."

Jensen snorted. "In your dreams," he retorted folding his arms across his chest.

"Now you're acting like a five year old," Jared quipped as he looked over his shoulder. Jensen glared at him tightening his arms across his chest. "Look," Jared blew out a breath. "I know you love the ocean. Come and share it with me. Please," he pleaded.

Jensen huffed out a long sigh knowing that it was probably another battle he was going to lose. He glanced at the ocean again before unfolding his arms and shifting his legs off the sun chair. He reached up putting his arms around Jared's neck as the younger man hefted him up onto his back. Jared pulled Jensen's legs around his waist somehow balancing them on his bony hips. He knew that Jensen wouldn't be able to grip but hoped that he could hold Jensen on his back by holding onto his thighs and probably his ass. He blushed at the thought trying to concentrate on what he was doing. Jensen was lighter than he looked and Jared took a deep breath and pulled himself up to his full height, quickly adjusting Jensen's weight on his back.

"You OK back there?" Jared turned his head to look at Jensen. He couldn't help giving a small triumphant smirk deciding that the "no nonsense and give as good as you get" approach seemed to be working.

Jensen rolled his eyes at the expression. "Now you ask," he quipped but gave a small nod, tightening his arms slightly around Jared's neck wishing that he could help in some way with supporting his legs. He looked down - as usual they hung uselessly around Jared's waist. He felt a stab of melancholy at how useless he felt but pushed it down deep inside him. "If you drop my ass... you are so fired," he said giving a small smile to take the sting out of the words.

"If I drop you, Jim will probably kill me anyway," Jared replied with a small smile. "And he probably knows how to hide a body so it won't ever be found."

"Damn straight," Jensen gave a small laugh.

Jared snorted as he bent slightly at the waist to help him keep Jensen on his back. "Ocean here we come," he said as he started off down the beach, carefully putting one foot in front of the other desperate not to drop Jensen.

Five minutes later, they were sitting side by side, in a companionable silence, at the ocean edge watching as the waves broke just short of where they were sitting before retreating backwards. The small frothy breakers drew nearer and nearer to where they sat before finally breaking over their feet.

Jared wiggled his toes enjoying the coolness of the water against his heated skin. He stared out to sea as he flexed his bare feet enjoying the weird gritty sensation between his toes. He pushed his heels into the soft sand watching the holes they made disappear slowly as he moved his feet along to make the next holes. He glanced at Jensen who was staring out into the distance, lost in his thoughts.

Jensen drew in deep breaths smelling the saltiness of the ocean. He closed his eyes briefly listening to the waves as they crashed towards the beach. He opened his eyes and stared at the smaller waves as they broke over their feet. Jensen couldn't help himself. He scrunched up his face concentrating hard on his toes, concentrating on trying to make them move. He gave up after they refused his commands and he couldn't help a small sigh of defeat and frustration. Jensen could feel the heat of the sun on his face and arms but he wished he could wiggle his toes like Jared, wished he could feel the coolness of the water against his legs. He couldn't even feel the wet sand knowing instinctively that his shorts would be damp from where they were sitting. He longed for that uncomfortable feeling of wet sand on his ass. Just once Jensen wanted to feel, then he would be happy never to feel again.

Jared's voice jolted him out of his musings and he turned to smile at the younger man, thankful that he had let himself be persuaded to come to the picnic despite the fact that he had spent some of the time thinking about what he had lost. May be Loretta was right. That it was time to put the past firmly in the past and look towards the future. Jensen smiled again. Jared, it seemed, didn't taken no for an answer and Jensen was suddenly glad.

"Man," Jared said happily nudging Jensen's shoulder. "I can't believe I'm really here." He looked across at Jensen shyly. "Thanks Jensen," he said softly. "For bringing me here when it's gotta be hard for you. And for coming too when I know you hate it."

"I don't hate it. I could never really hate the beach and the ocean," Jensen said softly. "It ..... it just brings back memories... you know," he gave a small shrug. "Of before," he waved at his legs.

"Like I said," Jared nodded. "Thank you for letting me see the ocean for the first time. For sharing it with me," he blushed slightly at the words, suddenly embarrassed.

"Hey," Jensen couldn't help blushing himself at Jared's gentle and understanding words. "Everyone should see the ocean once in their lifetime."

"Yeah," Jared murmured as he stared back at the ocean. His thoughts turned to his grandfather and he felt a pang of regret deep inside him that the older man had never gotten to see the ocean like they had planned. Jared smiled sadly knowing that his grandfather would have loved it. "It's wonderful Grandpa. Just like we thought it would be," he whispered to himself. "I'm seeing it for you too," Jared looked upwards.

Jensen noticed that Jared had suddenly gone silent. He leaned forwards but drew his hand back all of a sudden afraid to touch Jared's hand. It was one of those moments, the moments where Jared seemed to disappear into himself letting a lonely sadness settle over him. Jensen found himself wanting to take away the pain he saw in the younger man's eyes. "You OK?" he asked, touching Jared's hand cautiously with a finger before giving it a squeeze with his whole hand. Jared's skin was warm, sun hot, and silky under his touch and Jensen drew in a shaky breath. "Yeah," Jared smiled up at Jensen, touched by his concern. "I'm good," he whispered covering Jensen's hand with his own and squeezing back.


	5. Wobbly Steps

**Two Days later.....**

Jensen let his eyes slowly wander around the busy bar. It was a medium-sized bar on the edge of the town, one he had visited a couple of times in the past. Decorated in a western style, the walls and flooring were a light coloured wood. Pictures of the old west decorated the walls and there was, for some reason, a scattering of old rusty farm implements secured to the walls. A large ornate mirror hung over the bar making the area look larger somehow and reminding him of the saloons in every cowboy movie he had ever watched. The bar counter itself was a rich deep mahogany colour, shiny and scuffed at the same time and Jensen could almost see glasses full of frothy beer sliding up and down. He sighed to himself deciding that he had watched way too many westerns during his childhood.

The bar tenders were friendly and all wore cowboy hats, blue checked shirts and denim jeans. It should look ridiculous but somehow it didn't, Jensen thought to himself. He continued his idle inspection letting the sights and sounds of the bar wash over him, relaxing him. Tables with stools were scattered around the bar area and towards the back of the bar were booths with rich burgundy covering on the seats. The atmosphere was friendly and light. Soft country music played in the background adding to the overall ambience.

Jensen was still trying to work out how he found himself sitting in a bar watching Jared play pool and had a feeling it had something to do with the younger man not taking no for an answer, combined with his kicked puppy look and the fact that Jensen liked Jared. A lot. He had even let himself be persuaded to take a cab, a specialised one designed to take wheelchairs that he didn't know even existed, so that they could both have a beer or two. Jensen decided that he was definitely going soft in his old age but he knew that really wasn't the reason. Jared was the reason he had let himself be persuaded. He sighed to himself.

Deep down, Jensen admitted to himself that he was deeply attracted to Jared but the terror he felt at surrendering to his feelings again and letting someone else into his heart prevented him from acting upon them. His inner fear made him feel defensive and vulnerable and he still found himself snapping at Jared for no reason and then feeling guilty ten minutes later. Jared continued to ignore his bad moods but Jensen wondered just how long the younger man would continue to suffer his crappy treatment before he up and left, probably before the month was up. The thought made Jensen feel sick deep in the pit of his stomach but for some reason, he just couldn't bring himself to let go of his feelings or his terror. He knew that Loretta was right, that he needed to put his past firmly where it belonged but it was so hard when sometimes all he could think of was what he had lost. Happiness just seemed out of his reach all the time and it was so much easier to cling onto the hurt and misery.

Jensen blew out a calming breath before taking a quick sip of his beer. His past love had been one-sided but he had been too blind to see it for what it was, a disaster waiting to happen. He had been so stupidly in love and it had ended up costing him his heart, his soul and the life he knew, loved and took for granted. The pain and humiliation of the eventual realisation that he had meant absolutely nothing, that he was just something to be possessed and owned was still strong surrounding him like dark rain clouds. Jensen could almost see the sun shining through the dark clouds - all he had to do was reach for it but his inner fear always stopped him. He had made his choices and now he had to live with them. His life was so different now and Jensen knew that one of his biggest fears was rejection convincing himself a long time ago that nobody would be interested in a useless cripple, one that couldn't reciprocate in bed. Jensen blushed at the thought. He knew that sex wasn't everything in a relationship but his choice had been taken away and the thought still hurt him deeply. Why would someone want to share a bed with someone who peed into a bag, want to share a bed with someone who couldn't roll over without help, who had to be propped up to prevent sores, who had wheels instead of working legs, Jensen thought to himself angrily.

Jensen dragged his thoughts away from his misery, acutely aware that he was in real danger of wallowing in a private pity party yet again. He really wanted to enjoy himself like he had at the beach. Jensen smiled at the memory and looked towards his companion. Jared was in the middle of a game of pool and was obviously enjoying himself. Jared was winning and every now and again, he turned and beamed at Jensen happily. Jared's happiness was contagious and Jensen had found himself grinning back. Just may be, Jared was his sunshine.

Jared played pool like he did everything else, with a loud boyish enthusiasm that was infectious to all around him. Despite his height, long arms and legs, Jared was graceful, his movements fluid, as he walked around the table almost treating it like prey that he was stalking measuring up every angle and slant of the table as he carefully took each of his shots, the balls disappearing down the pockets one by one. His tongue stuck out between his teeth every time he took his shot, a hard look of concentration descending over his usual boyish expression. He leaned over the table to take his next shot and Jensen found his eyes straying to study Jared's ass as his jeans pulled tight across his thighs. Definitely doomed, Jensen thought to himself with another blush. He turned away and stared down into his beer.

"Hey," Jared flopped down in the chair next to him. "You OK?"

"Yeah," Jensen looked up and gave a small smile. "You kick his ass?"

Jared grinned. "Of course," he answered smugly.

Jensen chuckled. "Cocky much," he tilted his head to one side . "So where did you learn? Mis-spent youth?" he teased.

Jared's expression clouded over slightly. He ran a finger around and around the rim of his glass. "No," he shrugged. "My Grandpa taught me," he shrugged again as he looked away staring distractedly around the bar, his finger still tracing the rim of the glass. "We used to play every Tuesday night," Jared turned back to Jensen, giving him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes before descending into silence, lost in his thoughts and memories for a moment.

Jensen nodded not knowing what else to say, feeling slightly guilty that he had accidentally brought something up that obviously upset Jared. "He was a good teacher," he said eventually breaking the silence between them.

It was the right thing to say. Jared smiled again and this time it reached his eyes. "Yeah," he replied. "Yeah he was. He was great."

"So do you wanna call it a night?" Jensen asked as he finished his beer.

"No way," Jared shook his head. "We still gotta play each other," he jumped to his feet.

"What?" Jensen said looking up in surprise and horror.

"You. And. Me," Jared enunciated carefully. "Playing pool."

Jensen could feel the panic rising within him and he felt suddenly stupid and useless and couldn't believe that Jared would be so cruel to him. He gripped the tops of the chair's wheels in an effort to stop the trembling in his hands. "I.... I can't," he stammered.

"Sure you can," Jared thrust a cue at him. "You have played before? Right?"

"Of course I've played before," Jensen snapped as he snatched the cue from Jared remembering the many relaxing evenings he had spent after a long shift just drinking beer and playing pool with Alex, Toby and Jim. Good memories that he cherished. But he had never played from the wheelchair, it was another thing he had been too frightened to attempt in case he failed miserably and reminded himself just how useless he was and felt inside.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Jared said, keeping his tone light and encouraging. He had seen the look of pure panic cross Jensen's face and he had the feeling that Jensen hadn't played pool for a while and certainly not from the wheelchair. Jared knew it was possible. All he had to do was convince Jensen. "Not hard at all," he whispered to himself, determined once again to out-stubborn the older man. "I'll rack up the balls," he offered noticing the warring emotions in Jensen's face. Jared knew, without doubt, that Jensen wanted to play - he could sense it, could almost feel the longing to play vibrating off the older man.

"But," Jensen started to protest. He twirled the cue in his hand absently running his other hand up the shiny smoothness. Jensen really wanted to play. Wanted to play pool with Jared. Knew that Jared probably wouldn't judge him if he tried and failed.

"Scared I'll beat your ass," Jared interrupted with a grin. It was a veiled challenge. He knew it and from the look on Jensen's face, Jared knew that Jensen knew it too.

Jensen scowled. "No," he snapped jutting his chin out stubbornly. "Just a bit outta practice," he backed the wheelchair away from the table, the cue laying across his lap, and wheeled himself towards the table. He could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest and he was stupidly nervous but Jensen was determined. "You can do this," he whispered to himself as he screwed his eyes up studying the table, its height and whether he would be able to take a shot without ripping the covering with his cue or looking completely stupid.

"First game's a practice game," Jared offered kindly as he carefully racked up the balls. "To get you back in the swing of stuff. OK?"

Jensen nodded slightly taking the offer for what it was, making him like Jared even more, if that was possible. "Scared I'll beat your ass," he mimicked with a cocky grin.

Jared quirked an eyebrow at him. "Second game's for money," he teased with a smirk.

"You're on dude," Jensen grinned. "I am so gonna beat your ass and take your money."

"Bring it on," Jared retorted as he took his first shot scattering the balls around the table.

An hour and a half and three games later, they were sitting at their table, another pitcher of beer between them. Jared was twenty dollars poorer but it was worth it just to see Jensen relaxed, happy and smiling. Jared grinned to himself.

After a shaky and nervous start where he had missed several shots not able to get the angle quite right, Jensen had gradually calmed himself and gained confidence beating Jared easily in their next two games. He had moved his wheelchair confidently and smoothly around the table taking his shots with a sureness and steadiness of hand despite the fact that the height of the table made it difficult sometimes. Jared had seen the pure panic on Jensen's face replaced with determination and then finally a relaxed happiness that warmed Jared's heart. He had wanted to cheer out loud but resisted the urge settling for slapping Jensen's back and handing over the money.

Jared knew, deep down, that he had fallen for Jensen big time, had even sensed at their first meeting that Jensen was going to change his life forever. Jared didn't really believe in love at first sight but with Jensen he had already changed his long held belief. They had only known each other for a few days but already Jared couldn't picture his life without Jensen and he didn't want the month to ever end.

Jared leaned forwards slightly and took a sip of his beer. Out of the corner of his eye, Jared took the opportunity to study Jensen some more, his favourite pastime at the moment. He thought that Jensen was beautiful but not in a girly way even though his pouty lips were to die for, but in a strong classical way. Strong features, pale freckled skin and piercing jade green eyes. Despite his wasted leg muscles, Jensen had a good body with narrow hips and waist and well-muscled arms.

Jensen was beautiful all over but Jared knew that the older man didn't see it that way, sensed that Jensen saw himself in a completely different way. Ugly and useless because of his paralysed legs and his wheelchair. But Jared looked beyond the wheelchair. Looked really hard because it was worth it, because Jensen was worth it, and Jared knew that he saw the real Jensen behind the bad temper and hurt. Brave, strong and confident but at the same time warm and generous with a wicked sense of humour. Unconsciously, Jensen also exuded an air of vulnerability that clung to him making Jared want to hug him tight and protect him from whoever would hurt him. Jared loved him and wanted Jensen to love him back. May be even needed Jensen to love him back.

Jared sighed dragging himself back to reality. He reached for the pitcher of beer at the same time as Jensen. Their hands touched, just a light brush of skin against skin, but Jared thought he could feel the electricity the touch produced through every one of his nerve endings. He shivered slightly and sucked in a silent breath glancing across at Jensen, who was staring at their hands transfixed.

A strange kind of silence seemed to ring in Jared's ears blocking out the sounds around them both, the noise of the bar's patrons and the jukebox faded into the weird abyss of silence. The pounding of Jared's heart marked out the seconds that they sat, hands still touching. Jared pulled his hand away first hoping that Jensen couldn't hear his heart thumping in his chest. Jensen gave Jared a small shy smile before pouring them both a beer. Jared went to open his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Hey. So this is where you two dudes have been hiding," Alex slumped down in a chair opposite Jared and Jensen. He grinned widely at both men.

"Not hiding," Jensen protested.

"No. Just playing some pool." Jared interrupted. "And I've been getting my ass whipped good and proper."

"Pool huh?" Alex raised his eyebrows in surprise staring at Jensen. He grinned again nodding as he watched a flush of red stain Jensen's neck and face. Jensen shifted uncomfortably and stared down at his beer pointedly ignoring Alex's surprised expression and knowing smirk.

"Yeah and I'm twenty dollars poorer. I think Jensen hustled me," Jared pouted as he took a sip of his beer. He looked up suddenly noticing the silence between the other two men. Jared narrowed his eyes at Alex having the distinct impression that he had probably succeeded where Jensen's friends had failed. He couldn't help smiling to himself pleased.

Jensen fiddled with his glass for a moment. He finally forced himself to look up at Alex. "So why were you looking for us?" he asked in an effort to deflect the subject away from the fact that after nearly a year, he was playing pool again.

Alex blew out a long breath and leaned forwards. "I need to talk to you Jensen," he said. "Can we go outside for a minute? It's official."

"Official?" Jared couldn't help interrupting. He looked from one man to the other, confused.

"Alex is a cop," Jensen explained simply. "We used to work on the same squad way back," he waved his hand absently in the air.

"He was my boss," Alex further explained. "Best damn lieutenant on the whole force."

"Long time ago," Jensen dismissed the compliment. "Now tell me what's up?" He frowned at the expression on Alex's face. He suddenly felt frightened sensing that something was seriously wrong, something was worrying Alex and that worried him. "What?" he snapped. "Has something happened? To Jim or Samantha? Is it your Momma? Tell me man," he pleaded.

"No they're all fine. Really," Alex said quietly putting his hand over Jensen's now trembling hand. He knew that his next words would probably hurt and frighten Jensen. Alex took a deep breath. "Evan Bennett escaped from prison two days ago," he put his hand up to stop Jensen from speaking. He needed to get the whole explanation out before Jensen asked questions. "He and another con Ben Kemp, who one mean son of a bitch, escaped during a transfer to another facility. The two guards with them were found murdered. Shot to death," Alex continued.

Jensen nodded, his mind was filled with horror. "And you think...," his voice wavered not able to finish the sentence.

Jared didn't understand what Alex was saying and guessed it probably had something to do with Jensen ending up in a wheelchair, but all he knew at the moment that it was upsetting Jensen. The older man had paled to the extent that his skin looked almost translucent, his relaxed happy demeanour had immediately disappeared and Jared could see that his hands were trembling slightly. Jared moved closer wanting to give Jensen his silent support. Jensen didn't seem to notice, lost in his own thoughts, but Alex noticed the movement and smiled warmly at him. Jared smiled back giving Alex a nod that meant everything, meant that he wasn't leaving Jensen.

"No we don't," Alex said firmly as he turned his attention back to Jensen. He squeezed Jensen's hand in reassurance. "We don't think he'd come here. The Feds have been tracking them and it looks like they are heading towards Arizona."

Jensen nodded again but remained silent trying to take everything in. He felt numb inside. Evan Bennett was free. He was suddenly glad that Jared had moved closer to him. It made him feel safe.

**The early hours of the next morning...........**

He could feel the warmth of the fire as he curled up in the battered chair pulling his long legs up under him. He stared into the glow of the fire watching the orange and red flames dance in the fireplace. The lights were dimmed but his world was warm and welcoming alive with a fiery energy and gentle love from the presence next to him. It filled the room, his world. He half closed his eyes listening to the soft low timbre of the voice to his right. It was their favourite story, one they had read together many times before but he never tired of hearing it. He knew the words off by heart himself but preferred to listen as the soft voice read out loud the familiar prose. He smiled, and a small giggle may have escaped, as the voice adopted yet another accent for the character as the story unfolded. The voice gave a low chuckle as it paused gently chiding him for interrupting the story. They laughed together and he felt warm and safe cocooned within the world of the book, within the world they had created for themselves.

His whole body twitched in distress. He no longer felt warm or safe. He was alone and it was cold, the warmth no longer filling his soul, the comforting presence distant and remote, out of reach. Something had changed. He moved his head rolling it slowly trying to fight off the memories. His world was white and sterile, and it smelled of antiseptic and death. He could hear a voice reciting their favourite story. But this time it was his voice and he could hear a slight waver in his tone as the words blurred in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to mimic the voices and the story lost its charm, no longer having the same appeal to him. He reached forwards grasping the gnarled arthritic hand. It was cold and lifeless. He looked up into the kind blue eyes that had always smiled at him, always made him feel secure. They stared back at him, expressionless, no longer full of vibrancy or even recognition. He was a stranger now and he shivered suddenly cold. The shining light had long disappeared and he felt bereft and alone. His beloved grandfather was gone. Wetness on his face surprised hm and he mumbled again desperately trying to break free from the dream.

Jared jolted awake and looked around blearily. For a moment, sleep disorientated him and he couldn't place where he was, half expecting his grandfather to appear from no-where. Jared dropped his head back onto his arm when he realised where he was - Jensen's kitchen. The pain of realisation that the dream always brought made his stomach lurch with loneliness and renewed grief for his loss. The dream never really terrorised him just left him with an ache of longing for his old life that he couldn't seem to shake. "Stop it," Jared chastised himself as he rubbed his stomach with his free hand.

Jared glanced around again. He was slumped at the kitchen table, his head resting on his folded arms. His laptop was open, his coffee was long cold in the mug in front of him and there was a half eaten packet of cookies next to the laptop. Jared pulled himself up into a sitting position rotating his shoulders and moving his head from side to side in an effort to iron out the kinks from falling asleep at the table. His screen saver blinked at him, a series of photographs taken at the beach by Loretta. Jared rubbed at his tired eyes but couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips at the memories of the afternoon. Just may be, among the photographs, was his future. Jared stared at the photograph of a smiling Jensen.

Jared nodded to himself and stretched again with a yawn letting his mind wander back over the events of the evening. He had enjoyed himself for the first time in a long time and he knew Jensen had too if the smiles were anything to go by. Jared had felt a real connection with Jensen and he was absolutely one hundred percent sure that Jensen felt the same. Jared closed his eyes briefly letting the small glimmer of hope wash over him. But then Alex had come and everything had changed. Jensen had gone quiet and Jared could almost feel the tension vibrating off the older man. Jared didn't really understand. Didn't really understand the significance of Evan Bennett. He had wanted to ask but had resisted the temptation sensing that his questions wouldn't be appropriate or welcomed at the moment. If he wanted Jensen to trust him, may be even love him, he had to curb his natural curiosity and be patient. It would be hard but Jared was determined to let Jensen make the first move.

Once they had gotten home, Jensen had gone straight to bed without a word. Jared had heard him moving around, getting ready for bed. Jared had been tempted to knock and ask if Jensen was OK but as again resisted his natural urges. It had been hard but he'd done it convinced that Jensen would ask for help if he needed it. It hadn't stopped him from sitting cross-legged in the hallway watching the light under Jensen's doorway. Half an hour after they had gotten home, the light went out and Jared had felt a small stab of disappointment that Jensen hadn't needed him. He wanted to help, needed to help.

Feelings slightly deflated, Jared had then gotten himself ready for bed but he was restless, couldn't sleep and had decided to work on the Agency's computer programmes so he had powered up his laptop, eaten half a packet of chocolate chip cookies, made himself a pot of coffee and sat down, with the other half packet of cookies, at the kitchen table to work. That was the last thing he remembered.

He yawned again. Something caught his eye and Jared looked down spying the shiny gold pocket watch, the one his grandfather had gifted to him, laying by the laptop. Jared ran his fingers over the shiny surface before picking it up. He grasped it in his hand, letting memories of his grandfather wash over him, before opening his fingers and flipping the watch open. Jared stared down at the crisp clear face of the watch. Four in the morning. He flicked his gaze to the faded photograph nestled in the underside of the lid. Jared smiled softly as he gently fingered his grandfather's smile. "Miss you," he whispered. "But me and Jensen had a good time tonight." Jared stared down at the watch for a moment before deciding to make himself some hot chocolate, a cure all for everything.

He dragged himself to his feet and started to rummage through the cupboards searching for the hot chocolate. A quiet voice from the door startled him and he turned to find a red-eyed and tired Jensen staring up at him. "Hey," Jensen rolled himself into the kitchen. "What are you doing still up?" he cocked his head to one side studying the younger man. He looked sad and had an uncharacteristic slump to his shoulders. Jensen frowned.

"Couldn't sleep," Jared gave a small shrug. "You?"

"Same," Jensen replied with an honesty that surprised Jared slightly. "What are you looking for?"

"Hot chocolate," Jared replied with a small smile. "Kinda thought it would be good to make some. You know.... cure for all life's troubles."

Jensen chuckled. "Next cupboard," he waved a hand in the air. "Top shelf."

"Thanks," Jared opened the next cupboard door. It occurred to him as he searched for the hot chocolate that he kitchen and its high cupboards weren't designed for a wheelchair user and wondered how Jensen managed when he was alone. Probably went without, Jared decided as he found the jar of chocolate. "You want some?" he asked turning slightly.

"Yeah," Jensen nodded his head as he pushed himself towards the table. He was tired and restless. The recurring and cruelly persistent nightmare had visited him half an hour after he had closed his eyes. He had woken up in a cold sweat, his heart thudding and his mouth dry. Even though Alex had assured him that Evan was on his way to Arizona and a black and white would be cruising the neighbourhood as a precaution, Jensen couldn't shake the niggling doubts in his head. Suddenly and stupidly frozen with terror, Jensen had allowed the vivid and technicolour images to torment him long after he had woken replaying his life with Evan Bennett over and over in his mind. Jensen shivered at the thought.

Three hours and a few tears later, Jensen had given up on sleep and decided to get up and do some more work on the Agency accounts. He had been surprised to see Jared in the kitchen and on a whim had decided to join the younger man. Jensen admitted to himself that he wanted to be with Jared, even needed to be with Jared. Jared made him feel safe.

Jensen watched as Jared prepared their hot chocolate. He let his mind wander to the earlier part of the evening. It had been wonderful and Jensen had enjoyed himself for the first time in a very long time. Playing pool from the wheelchair had been a triumph for him and Jensen was sure that Jared knew it. Somehow, the younger man made things so easy and relaxed and had always treated Jensen as though the chair was invisible. Treated him normally and Jensen liked him for that alone. He found his thoughts turning to the touch of their hands. Jared touched him every day during the exercises and massages, but this accidental touch was different, the nerves in his hand and arm jangled with an electricity that Jensen thought he would never experience again. He knew what it meant and it frightened him a little and even though his past was lurking in the shadows and he had only known Jared for a few days, Jensen knew without a doubt that he was falling in love with the younger man. May be it was time to look towards the future.

"Here you go," Jared startled Jensen out of his musings by placing a mug of hot chocolate in front of him.

"Thanks," Jensen smiled up at Jared. He placed his hands around the mug warming them.

"You OK?" Jared asked as he slumped into his chair taking a cautious sip of his own chocolate.

"You?" Jensen deflected the question before taking a sip of his chocolate.

Jared gave a little shrug. "Yeah," he lied softly.

Jensen quirked his eyebrows but decided to let the lie go and hoped that Jared would let his go too. "So that makes both us okey-dokey. Huh?"

Jared gave a small smile. "I guess," he agreed.

"Thank you," Jensen found himself saying and not knowing really why but the words were out before he could stop himself.

"For what?" Jared asked suddenly confused.

"For not asking," Jensen stared down at the table, one finger absently touching the gold pocket watch. "It.... it means a lot."

"No biggie," Jared gave a small shrug suddenly pleased that he had managed to curb his natural curiosity. Perhaps Jensen was starting to trust him.

"It's just.... just..... It's not you..... It's just....I can't," Jensen looked at Jared earnestly desperately wanting him to understand how hard it was for him to trust anyone, even Jared.

"It's OK," Jared carefully covered Jensen's hand with his own. "You don't have to tell me. Tell me when and if you're ready. OK?" He squeezed Jensen's hand before removing it and picking up his mug again. He sipped at his chocolate.

Jared understood. Jensen could tell from the look on the younger man's face, his gentle features were full of understanding and genuine compassion. "OK," Jensen finally stuttered as he fingered the photograph of Jared's grandfather. "He looks nice," he noted in an effort to deflect the conversation away from himself.

"He was," Jared said softly. "My best friend. Stupid huh?"

"No," Jensen shook his head. "Everyone needs a best friend." They sat in companionable silence for a moment enjoying their hot chocolate. "Tell me about him," Jensen said finally looking across at Jared. The younger man frowned, his expression clouding over slightly. "Sorry. That was a crappy thing to do. I didn't ... didn't mean to upset you," Jensen apologised. He looked down at his hot chocolate.

"No. No," Jared interrupted. "It's OK. Really." Jared took a deep breath deciding that perhaps he needed to talk about his grandfather hoping that it might help with the grief that he couldn't seem to shake. "He was our town's librarian. Had been all his life. Loved the books. They were like his friends. You know," Jared gave a small shrug. And he could recite most of the books from memory," Jared said softly. "We lived in a little apartment across the street from the library. Just him and me. We didn't have much money but.... but it didn't seem to matter somehow."

"What about your parents?" Jensen asked suddenly wanting to know all about Jared and his life. He knew it was selfish asking Jared questions when he couldn't bring himself to talk about his past life yet.

Jared shrugged. "I don't really remember them. They died when I was little and my grandfather took me in. My grandma had died a few years before I was born. So we were all each other.... had," he stammered. "All I kinda needed."

Jensen nodded. "Sounds like a good man," he said picking up the pocket watch and studying it carefully.

"He was wonderful," Jared grinned. "He gave me the watch on my eighteenth birthday," he waved at the pocket watch in Jensen's hand. "My grandma had given it to him on their wedding day. It's my most precious possession."

"I can see why," Jensen smiled handing Jared the watch. "It's beautiful."

"I don't think I could ever part with it," Jared said quietly looking down at the watch in his hand. "It's as though... as though it's part of him. You know?" he cocked his head to one side. "The only part I have left."

"Yeah," Jensen nodded. He didn't really have anything to remind him of his mother or father except for the garden they both loved and he understood exactly what Jared meant. "Yeah. I do."

Jared cocked his head to one side. Something in Jensen's tone convinced him that the older man wasn't lying to make him feel better. He actually did know what Jared meant. The thought warmed his heart. "He was the one person I could rely on," Jared continued. "He was everything to me. And then.... then about a year ago he started to change. Started to forget things. Couldn't remember the lines to his favourite poems. Damn nearly burned the apartment down one afternoon because he forgot to turn the gas off."

Jensen remained silent watching as Jared obviously struggled with his emotions. He could see the threatened tears in the younger man's eyes as he gripped the watch in his hand. "I watched him change. And in the end....end he didn't even know me. He was my best friend. The one person I could always rely on," Jared choked, his eyes shining with tears. "But he didn't recognise me. Couldn't remember the books or poetry he loved so much. But I read them to him when he was so sick in the hospital. Even though he looked right through me as though I was.... was a stranger to him," he forced out through the tears that ran unchecked down his face. Jared turned a tear stained face towards Jensen. "He didn't know me," he repeated in a choked voice.

"Alzheimer's," Jensen asked quietly, knowing that his guess was right.

Jared nodded. "It took him away from me," he sobbed wiping at his eyes. "Why did it take him away from me? He was .... was wonderful and the damn asshole disease destroyed everything he was. He didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves that. It took who he was away from him. Why?"

"I don't know," Jensen admitted as he rolled himself closer to Jared. "Some things are just outta our control." Even though he was trying to answer Jared's question, Jensen knew he was talking about his life too. He bit back his own threatened tears turning his attention back to Jared and away from himself watching as the younger man struggled with raw grief and obvious heartache. Without thinking, Jensen leaned over and pulled Jared towards him. "It's OK," he soothed as he wrapped his arms around the younger man. "Let it all out," he encouraged sensing that Jared hadn't really mourned properly for his grandfather, had no-one to catch him when he fell. Jensen was suddenly determined to be that person. He stroked his hand gently down Jared's back. "It's gonna be OK," he murmured. "You're gonna be OK."

Automatically Jared turned his head into Jensen's shoulder, his fists curling into Jensen's t-shirt, and cried. Really cried for the first time since his grandfather had died. Cried for everything he had lost. Cried for the cruelty of the disease that took his grandfather. Cried until he thought he wouldn't be able to shed any more tears. And all the time he cried, Jared could hear Jensen murmuring to him, words he couldn't make out but the low timbre of Jensen's voice soothed and comforted him. Through the haze of tears he felt a sense of guilt for his selfishness knowing that he should be the one doing the comforting. He should be comforting Jensen. But Jared couldn't help himself - Jensen's body against his own felt so warm and comforting. "I'm sorry," he mumbled over and over as his body shuddered uncontrollably. His tears insisted on falling and Jared let them flow freely down his face soaking Jensen's t-shirt as he sobbed away his pain and misery clutching at Jensen for comfort.

"Ssshhh," Jensen soothed as he stroked a hand gently through Jared's hair. He tightened his hold of Jared as the younger man's body, wracked with heart-wrenching sobs, shuddered and trembled in his arms. He was glad that Jared trusted him enough to let go of his grief and he felt a stab of jealousy wishing with all his heart that he could let go of his anger and hurt but the events of the evening only served to prove that he would never be free, never be free of his past or the hurt it brought him. It would haunt him forever. Jensen shook his head turning his attention back to comforting Jared. "It's OK," he murmured.

Eventually the crying died down and Jared reluctantly pulled back from the warm embrace. He gave Jensen a small shaky smile. "Sorry," he sniffed wiping his hand across his face. "For being such a wuss." Even though Jared felt embarrassed for crying in front of Jensen, his heart strangely felt much lighter. Jared blew out a long breath knowing, deep down, that his healing process had probably begun and he could almost feel his loneliness and unhappiness receding slightly. The ache in his soul was still there but somehow it didn't feel so overwhelming any more.

Jensen leaned forward caressing his hand down Jared's face. "You're not a wuss.  You just miss your grandfather," Jensen said as he wiped away a stray tear from Jared's cheek. "I understand that." Jensen kept his hand on Jared's face, his touch light, comforting.

"He would have liked you," Jared said with another small smile. "You're his kind of person. Mine too," he admitted shyly.

"I think I woulda liked him too," Jensen replied softly. "If his grandson is anything to go by." Jared smiled again and Jensen couldn't help himself - he caressed his fingers gently down Jared's cheek towards his neck. The tips of his fingers seemed to tingle and he was aware that Jared was unconsciously leaning into his touch. Suddenly afraid, Jensen went to withdraw his hand but Jared grabbed it with his own holding it tightly. He squeezed Jensen's hand gently.

"Don't stop," Jared breathed. "Please don't stop."

"I .... I don't..... I can't....," Jensen stammered nervously. He could feel the panic rising within him and he felt stupid and awkward. Jensen wanted Jared, wanted to love Jared. Wanted Jared to love him but he was so terrified. "Jared," he choked.

Jared could feel Jensen withdrawing from him, could feel the fine tremors in his body. He hung onto his Jensen's hand and carefully scooted closer. "Tell me I'm not getting this wrong," Jared whispered. "Please," he pleaded as he ghosted his lips over Jensen's. "Please tell me it's not just me," he said softly.

Jensen ran the tip of his tongue over his lips where Jared had touched him. He wanted more, needed more. Jensen looked directly into Jared's kind and gentle eyes. May be it was time for a leap of faith, time for him to reach out towards the sunshine. Jensen took a deep calming breath. "It's not .... not just you," he admitted, suddenly shy.

"Thank God," Jared said as he claimed Jensen's lips in a gentle first kiss. Jensen moaned leaning into the kiss and opening his mouth to Jared's questing tongue. They wrapped their arms around each other as they lost themselves in the kiss, at last surrendering to the feelings that had been bubbling under the surface ever since they had met in Jensen's office.

 

**Fifty miles away.........**

Evan Bennett paced up and down the room. It had been two days since the escape. They were holed up in a beach house that had belonged to his aunt. He had never lived in the house, hating the beach and the ocean. No-one knew he owned the house and as far as the Feds were concerned he was on his way to Arizona courtesy of some shady associates of Ben Kemp. He didn't ask how or who, he wasn't interested. Evan just wanted his life back.

Evan was free again but still felt like a caged animal prowling its small territory aching for escape. Evan felt like the walls of the house were slowly closing in on him and was in serious danger of smashing everything around him. He glanced sideways expecting the pale white walls to have moved closer to him. Evan shook his head in frustration.

His fury and frustration had been building slowly deep within in and had been since he had mounted the prison bus. He was desperate for his freedom, even hungry for it and the feeling gnawed at him making him feel uncomfortable in his skin, even his body. The feeling, he knew, would only leave him when he was reunited with his lover. Evan stopped his restless pacing and stared out of the window towards the ocean.

The other men in the house were keeping away from him for which Evan was eternally grateful. He hated them. He had nothing in common with them and didn't want to talk to them. They were nothing to him, totally unimportant. To Evan they were disposable commodities, a means to an end, a means to return him to his lover. After that, they could go to Hell for all he cared. He might even help them on their way. He grinned at the thought.

Evan could almost see the fear in their eyes and smell it on their bodies when he approached them or needed to talk to them, and he loved the thought that he had such power over these hardened criminals. Menacing and intimidating his opponents was something he had perfected over the years as an agent in the FBI. Many a criminal had withered into a babbling wreck under his unyielding glare and rough treatment and it had become such an integral part of who he was that it bled over into his personal life. Evan enjoyed the power. It intoxicated him filling him with an arrogant self-confidence that had been missing for many years during his youth, and he took pleasure in luxuriating in the warm glow that he felt, deep within himself, when he dominated and manipulated the people around him.

Evan scowled and growled low in his throat curling his hands into fists in an effort to control the pent up rage building and bubbling under his skin. He rubbed at his bare arms hating the prickling feeling of his barely controlled rage. His blood boiled white hot and without warning, Evan turned and swiped the glass lamp off the table to his left. It flew against the wall smashing into a thousand pieces, glass shards spraying across the floor. He looked at the smashed lamp with a grim satisfaction at his actions. Evan smirked suddenly feeling slightly better. He resumed his pacing. One more day and they would finally be reunited. Jensen Ackles would be his again, forever.


	6. Best Foot Forwards

**Three hours later.......**

Jensen yawned as he slowly opened his eyes. The room was still enveloped in darkness and he blinked rubbing at his eyes. The neon numbers of the clock on the bedside table flashed at him - 5.30 a.m. Jensen blinked again realising he had managed to get three hours uninterrupted sleep, his usual nightmare conspicuous by its absence.

Jensen couldn't help a small smile as he gazed across at his bed companion knowing that Jared was probably the reason for his nightmare-free sleep. He felt warm and secure for the first time in a very long time and wished, not for the first time, that he could luxuriate in a bone crunching stretch but knew that the lower half of his body wouldn't co-operate. He settled for a wide jaw cracking yawn instead as he studied Jared. Jensen stifled a small silly giggle suddenly having the insane urge to poke Jared just to make sure he was really here in his bed, curled up next to him with a warm possessive arm slung over his waist. He also had a suspicion that their legs were entwined but Jensen was too afraid to look under the comforter in case he found it was all a dream.

Jensen couldn't quite believe that Jared wanted him, may be even loved him and wanted to share a bed with him. Since being confined to the wheelchair, Jensen had felt so ugly, so conscious and ashamed of his useless body and its needs and hadn't believed that anyone would ever want to touch or love him again. But Jared was here. Here with him. Warm, honest and loving, and Jensen could feel the ice slowly melting from around his heart. He had tried so hard to push Jared away with anger and bad temper but the younger man had ignored all his attempts and had somehow wormed his way into Jensen's heart and soul. And Jensen had a feeling that Jared was here to stay. The thought made him smile again.

Not for the first time, Jensen wondered how he had found himself here and realised he had been spending a lot of time recently wondering how he had got here or there and knew, without a doubt, that it had something to do with Jared. Whirlwind Jared who had entered his life a few days ago and completely turned it upside down with his easy demeanour and a stubbornness to match Jensen's own. Jensen knew that he wouldn't change a thing even though he still felt a little afraid of his feelings and giving his heart to someone again.

A wave of anger washed over him at the injustice of his life. He had, at last, found someone who seemed to want to love him and he wanted to love Jared back, probably already loved the younger man, but Jensen knew that their relationship would never be normal because of his hated paralysis and it gave him a whole new set of fears to contemplate. Jensen shivered as he squeezed his eyes shut tight willing away his feelings of anger, hurt and despair at his situation knowing deep down that he would never get used to being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, even more so now. Jared made things easier, made them good again and Jensen decided to concentrate all his efforts on moving forwards into the future and away from his crappy past. A future with Jared, Jensen hoped with all his heart.

Jensen stared at Jared again. He looked so young and vulnerable in sleep so completely different from the vibrant noisy young man who bounced around like an overgrown puppy during the day time. But Jared had another side, one he kept well hidden, concealing his grief and misery from the outside world with his easy smile and happy-go-lucky personality but Jensen saw it, even recognised it. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing himself and his own misery. They weren't anything like each other, so different in personality and outlook on life. Jared was noise to his quiet, fire to his ice, chaos to his calm. But somehow they were so alike. It was confusing and Jensen had the impression that their differences and similarities would make for an interesting relationship. He couldn't help smiling to himself again.

Jensen could still see the evidence of Jared's tears over his grandfather's death and he ran a finger gently down his the younger man's face tracing the tear tracks trying with his touch to somehow erase all the heartache they represented. Jared stirred mumbling in his sleep but didn't wake as he snuggled closer to Jensen.

Jensen revelled in the sensation of the warm body pressed against his and let his mind wander aimlessly to earlier in the evening. After they had shared their first kiss, they had sat in the kitchen like a couple of love-sick teenagers just holding hands, kissing, eating the rest of the cookies and drinking hot chocolate. After half an hour and without thinking Jensen had suggested that they go to bed and try to sleep. Somehow and before he could protest Jared had leapt to his feet and he had found himself being pushed along the hallway towards his room. He had even let Jared help him into bed and watched silently as the younger man carefully arranged the pillows behind his back and legs so that he would be lying on his side.

He had wanted Jared to stay with him but the fear of rejection was still strong and his terror had nearly choked him but he had forced out the words and invited Jared to stay with him. Jensen had looked away, too afraid that he might see disgust in Jared's eyes, too afraid that Jared would just leave and return to his own bed. But Jared had just grinned big and wide and immediately stripped naked and jumped into the bed cuddling Jensen and scattering kisses all over his face pressing his body close. Something in the way Jared treated his nakedness, with complete comfort, gave Jensen courage and before his nerve deserted him completely he had removed his t-shirt. He just couldn't bring himself to strip completely naked terrified that Jared would be disgusted by his paralysed lower body and its attachments. Jared had remained silent, grinned widely again and just pressed himself closer, warm skin to warm skin, and without words he had told Jensen that he wasn't disgusted, that he didn't care. They had fallen asleep in the warmth and security of each other's arms. And two hours later Jared was still here, cuddled close, and Jensen had slept for two hours without the nightmare visiting his dreams.

"You watching me sleep?" a sleep-muffled voice asked, startling Jensen out of his musings.

"Yeah," Jensen admitted sheepishly.

"That's kinda creepy," Jared teased as he opening his eyes grinning at Jensen to take the sting out of the words.

Jensen blushed. "Sorry," he mumbled closing his eyes terrified that he might scare Jared away. He couldn't help shivering at the thought. "Sorry," he repeated as he opened his eyes cautiously looking over at Jared. He gave the younger man a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Jared frowned. He could almost feel the fear radiating from the older man's body and sensed that he would have to take things slowly and carefully with Jensen. He sighed to himself knowing that it was Jensen's mysterious past that was frightening him and holding him back from a future. But Jared was determined. Determined to prove that he loved and trusted Jensen and then may be, in turn, Jensen would love and trust him back. Trust him enough to tell him about his past. Patience wasn't really his forte but with Jensen he was determined to try and curb his natural tendencies to rush all over the place like a headless chicken. "Hey," Jared said gently as he brushed his fingers down Jensen's face. "Creepy is cool," he quipped with a huge grin wriggling even closer to Jensen.

Feeling slightly better at Jared's assurances and the gentle expression on his face, Jensen couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Freak," he accused affectionately.

Jared mock-pouted. "Your freak?" he asked hopefully clutching at Jensen's hand and claiming his lips in a gentle kiss.

Jensen pulled back from the kiss licking at his lips. "Yeah," he answered, his voice soft. "My freak."

Jared grinned. "You are so beautiful," he whispered back, running his fingers up and down Jensen's arm.

"No," Jensen stuttered. "Not.... not...."

"Yes. Yes you are," Jared interrupted pressing a finger to Jensen's lips stopping him mid protest. "So beautiful." Jared wriggled closer. "And I'm gonna keep on saying it over and over until you get it into your thick skull," he tapped Jensen's head with a finger of his free hand.

"Dude. You're so romantic," Jensen teased with a small smile, his fears forgotten for a moment as he nipped at Jared's fingers.

Jared snorted. They lay in companionable silence for a few moments stealing kisses from each other. "Do you think we're taking things too fast?" Jared eventually broke the silence. "I mean we've only known each other a couple of days... and I can slow down if you want. I kinda suck at slow but for you I would do it... you know take it slow," he babbled uncontrollably. Jared wanted Jensen to feel secure in their new relationship and he was frightened that, as usual, he was rushing things.

Jensen studied Jared and the worried expression on his face. Yes, he was afraid, terrified in fact. Terrified of being hurt again by someone he loved but Jared was different. Jared, he knew, genuinely cared for him and would never knowingly hurt him. Jensen was more sure of that than anything else. "No," he said honestly, knowing that it wasn't a lie just to make Jared happy. "It feels kinda right somehow," he admitted. "I want you to be right here."

"I want that too," Jared grinned happily.

"Then it's not too fast," Jensen said decisively and believing it. Evan was his past but Jared was his here and now, and he hoped his future.

Jared grinned again stealing another kiss. He pulled back. "Do you believe in love at first sight?" he asked.

"May be," Jensen said quietly. "Yeah I think I do," he added after a moment's thought and was rewarded by another blinding smile from Jared.

"I knew the first time I saw you," Jared confessed. "When you tried to run over my feet with your chair," he teased.

Jensen blushed at the memory. "They're so big they were taking up the whole office," he pouted. "And anyway I managed to swerve past the great lumps of meat." 

Jared laughed out loud at the pouting look on Jensen's face but was glad to see a hint of mischief glinting in the green eyes staring at him. "Yeah but only because I have lightning reflexes," he retorted.

Jensen rolled his eyes but chuckled. "I thought we could take the day off," he proposed out of the blue.

"Take the day off," Jared repeated incredulously pulling back and staring at Jensen. "Who are you? And what have you done with workaholic Jensen Ackles who never takes a day off?"

Jensen blushed bright red. "I thought.... you know...that we could spend it together," Jensen murmured nervously. "If you want... we don't have to... if you don't .... you know want to," he babbled.

Jared chuckled. "Jensen," he silenced the older man's babbling with a kiss. "Yeah I want," he grinned pulling back. "You just kinda surprised me."

"Really?" Jensen asked hopefully.

"Yeah really. I'll call Loretta and tell her later," Jared nodded. "She'll think you've gone crazy," he teased grinning. "Wow," he smirked. "Jensen Ackles is gonna take a day off," he sing-songed.

Jensen thumped Jared as he rolled his eyes. "Idiot," he retorted. "You're a crazy son of a bitch."

Jared waggled his eyes. "Let me make you crazy too," he whispered. "But first gotta do some proving. Proving that you're beautiful to me," he murmured. "And sexy as hell." Jared knew, deep down, that it would be an uphill struggle to convince Jensen of his beauty but he was set on proving it.

"Jared," Jensen protested biting nervously at his lower lip. "I'm not ... not sexy. I can't... do," he let the words trail off. "Nothing ....nothing works," he stammered blushing with shame and embarrassment. "I can't even move for you."

"Sssssh," Jared soothed. "I don't care."

"But," Jensen interrupted looking into Jared's eyes. He wanted to say so much, explain so much but he didn't know how, couldn't find the right words. Instead, Jensen found himself searching Jared's face for any hint of a lie or untruth. He squinted in the dimness of the room and all he found was a softness and a genuine affection and may be just a hint of love. Jensen still couldn't bring himself to believe that Jared might love him, might want to stay with him after the month was up but, deep inside, he could feel the hope spreading within him, warming him. He stared into Jared's eyes again and couldn't help seeing the love shining outwards at him and this time, Jensen didn't deny himself. He gave a small smile and a nervous half nod.

"I don't care," Jared repeated enunciating each word carefully holding Jensen's gaze putting everything he felt about Jensen into his expression, hoping that the older man would see how he felt, how he loved him. "I just wanna be with you," he kept his voice calm and even but determined and his touches gentle and soothing. "And I am so gonna prove how sexy and beautiful you are to me," Jared murmured. "Starting just here," he kissed Jensen's lips. "I love your mouth. Your lips," he said softly. "I love your face and all of your freckles. Gonna kiss them all," he whispered scattering small kisses all over Jensen's cheeks, his nose and even his chin.

"Jared," Jensen protested, not able to contain the happy sigh at Jared's kisses to his face.

"Sssssh," Jared pulled back slightly. "I'm kinda busy kissing your freckles. Oops nearly missed one," he said kissing Jensen's nose lightly.

Jensen snorted with soft laughter. "You're totally crazy," he accused.

Jared ignored Jensen. "Love your neck," he said instead swiping his tongue up and down the tendons of Jensen's neck. Jensen shivered unconsciously pressing into the touch. Jared smiled to himself and continued his exploration constantly reminding himself, in his head, to take it slow and be gentle. "Love your shoulder. Gonna mark you as all mine," he kissed the warm skin, sucking hard and marking Jensen as his. Jared lapped at the red mark soothingly with the tip of his tongue. "So beautiful," he reiterated with a smile, looking directly into Jensen's eyes.

All the time Jared was kissing Jensen he was running his hand up and down Jensen's arm revelling in the feel of the warm silky skin. With each caress, Jared brushed his hand further and further down Jensen's body tracing a line along his flank, hip and top of his leg, underneath his sweat pants indulging in the feel of Jensen's skin against his own. Jared knew Jensen couldn't feel his hand but sensed that the older man knew exactly where his hand was by the hitched nervous breathing and the tensing of his upper body. "So beautiful," Jared whispered running his hand over Jensen's hip again. He wanted Jensen to know that he didn't care, that he just wanted to touch him, prove that he wasn't disgusted by him or anything to do with his paralysis. "Your mouth," he repeated claiming Jensen's lips once again as he lightly swiped his hand across Jensen's groin, his fingers brushing against the older man's cock. He wasn't teasing or trying to be cruel - it was just his way of showing Jensen that it didn't matter to him. Jared ran a finger up and down the silky softness totally ignoring that there was no reaction, no hardening or lengthening. "Love your body. Every single inch of it," he murmured looking up at Jensen.

"Wish I could feel your hand down there," Jensen sighed in frustration. "I want that so much," he admitted as he burrowed his head into Jared's shoulder. "So much."

Jared didn't really know what to say. "I know," Jared said frustrated at his lack of eloquence. With his free hand, Jared tipped Jensen's head upwards so they were looking across at each other. Jared gave a soft smile. "I know," he mouthed again. "But feel this," he said leaning forwards and claiming Jensen's lips again in a soft kiss. "Love your lips," Jared whispered as he moved his hand again tracing a path up Jensen's flat stomach and chest. He felt Jensen tremble as he swirled his fingers round and round each of the older man's nipples. "I love everything about you," Jared said as he sucked on Jensen's lips before pressing his tongue into his mouth and exploring the warmth.

Jensen couldn't help himself. He moaned deepening the kiss sucking on Jared's tongue, his own hand coming up to caress Jared's arm. Jared pulled back from the kiss concentrating all his efforts on licking and sucking at Jensen's neck and shoulder whilst his hand idly explored the rest of his body.

Jensen tried desperately not to grip Jared's arm. He could feel the panic starting to rise up within him, sensing that Jared was touching and caressing his lower body. He couldn't feel what he knew would be a gentle touch and Jensen knew, without a doubt, that Jared wasn't teasing him or being cruel, he was trying to prove how he felt, how he didn't care. It made him feel light-headed with love for the younger man but still Jensen was too afraid to look downwards and his fear increased, terrified that Jared would suddenly be disgusted by him. He wanted to feel so desperately but his useless body would never co-operate again and Jensen could feel the tears stinging at his eyes as his heart pounded in his chest. A tear escaped running down his face and Jensen squeezed his eyes closed trying to shut out the fear and misery. He wanted to enjoy being with Jared, wanted Jared to enjoy being with him. Jared was so kind and gentle and he deserved Jensen's trust but he just couldn't stop the panic and the feelings of inadequacy from overwhelming him. Another tear escaped and Jensen silently cursed his stupid weakness.

Jared felt Jensen's heart beat increase and he looked up. Jensen had his eyes squeezed closed and Jared could see the tears. He moved slightly and swiped his tongue lapping at the salty wetness. "Don't," he murmured as he splayed his hand over Jensen's pounding heart. "Ssshhhh," Jared soothed rubbing circles on Jensen's chest with one hand.

"Can't help it," Jensen managed to choke. The feeling of Jared rubbing his chest, just over his heart, was strangely soothing and he felt himself start to relax into the touch, into Jared's arms.

"I'm here. I'm staying," Jared murmured smiling to himself as he felt the rapid heart beat gradually slow back to normal. "I'm not going anywhere. You got me. Staying right here with you. If you want me too," Jared soothed.

Suddenly feeling a lot calmer, Jensen snapped his eyes open staring across at Jared, his expression hopeful. "I want," he said nibbling at his lips. "I just feel.... feel so ugly... so useless," he admitted quietly.

"You're not ugly or useless," Jared pacified as he nipped at Jensen's lips.

Jensen pulled back. "I pee into a bag. I have a tube that sticks outta my cock all the .... the time. How's that not ugly?" he choked, tears filling his eyes again. "I can't even feel... feel if I'm turning you on," he said with a scowl. "And I want to. I want you to feel good. I want to make you feel good."

"You're not ugly. And for the record I don't care how you pee," Jared said with his own scowl. "And you do turn me on," he took Jensen's hand in his own and moved it down to his half-hard cock. "You turn me on big time," he said suddenly feeling selfish and guilty for his arousal.

"Oh," Jensen said stupidly not able to help running his fingers up and down Jared's cock. It trembled in his hand and he felt it hardening under his ministrations.

"I just wanna be here with you. And we don't have to do anything," Jared said softly. He bit at his lips trying not to react to Jensen's touch feeling even more guilty and selfish that he could feel and Jensen couldn't. Jared closed his eyes against the wonderful sensations that Jensen was eliciting in him.

"You being here with me. In my bed. All naked and wonderful. Touching me everywhere and not caring about.... about stuff. You wanting that. Makes me feel like a million dollars," Jensen admitted as he looked up at Jared. The younger man had his eyes closed and was biting at his lips and Jensen immediately sensed what he was feeling, could almost feel the guilt radiating from Jared's body. "And don't go getting all guilty about feeling," he said with a determination that he hadn't felt for a long time. "It's not your fault."

"But," Jared opened his eyes to protest.

Jensen silenced him with a kiss. He wanted Jared to feel good, wanted to be the one to make Jared feel good. He could be just as determined and stubborn as Jared. Jensen Ackles wasn't taking no for an answer. He took a deep breath and started trying to push his sweat pants down. He huffed in frustration and defeat when he had only managed to push them half way down. Jensen looked over to Jared who had been watching him silently. "Help me," he asked biting at his lips nervously.

"Sure," Jared smiled warmly as he pulled the sweat pants off and threw them on the floor. Jensen blushed red and Jared could almost see him cringing in embarrassment. Knowing that his next words would be important to Jensen, he smiled again. "Now I don't feel so under-dressed," he teased as he pulled the comforter back over their nakedness.

Jensen rewarded him with a smile. "Thank you," he whispered. "For making me feel beautiful and sexy," Jensen said with a small shy smile. "And I wanna make you feel good," he murmured squeezing Jared's cock again. "Wanna make you come."

"Oh God," Jared arched into the touch loving Jensen that bit more if that was possible. "You don't have to."

"Shut up and enjoy," Jensen claimed Jared's lips in a passionate kiss, putting all he felt into the kiss as he caressed Jared's cock enjoying the feeling that it was him making Jared moan and groan in pleasure. He moved his hands massaging Jared's balls between his fingers.

Despite still feeling guilty, Jared couldn't help moaning deep in his throat pulling Jensen closer to his nakedness. He ran his hands absently all over Jensen's back and over the top of his ass. He traced his fingers up and down Jensen's flank and arm. "Love you," he murmured as he claimed Jensen's lips once more.

Jensen grinned at the whimper of protest that Jared made as he released his mouth. He swiped his tongue along Jared's jaw line tracing a trail up his neck towards his ear. Jared stretched his neck turning his head slightly to one side as he encouraged Jensen to lick at his skin. Jensen lapped at the sweat droplets gathered on the Jared's skin revelling in the taste of Jared and salt. Reaching Jared's ear, Jensen whirled his tongue around the outside making Jared squirm against his body. He then started to trail his tongue back down Jared's neck towards his shoulder lapping and licking at the glistening sweat. Jared arched his back as Jensen bit down and sucked on the bony shoulder marking Jared as his, mimicking Jared's earlier actions on his own neck and shoulder. Jensen licked soothingly at the reddening skin. Jared shifted slightly pulling Jensen back towards his lips. The kiss was long, hard and passionate as he thrust his cock in and out of Jensen's loose grip.

Jensen drew back from the kiss again giving Jared a wicked grin. He knew he could just about manage the movements. Shifting the top half of his body slightly, Jensen started to slowly and sensually trace a path down Jared's chest with his tongue. His tongue flicked absently at the pale skin, exploring the dips and hollows of Jared's chest. He ran the tip of his tongue along each one of Jared's ribs delighting at the small sounds of pleasure coming from his new lover.

Jared was lost in the sensual feelings but desperation for Jensen's touch enabled him to struggle out of the fog of desire and move his body upwards in order to help Jensen touch him. Jensen gave him a small thankful smile before swiping his tongue over one erect nipple. Finished with one nipple Jensen moved to the other caressing it with the tip of his tongue. Jared chanted his name over and over as he ran his hands down Jensen's back stroking his hands in small circles across the sweat soaked skin. Jensen continued to explore, his tongue neglecting no part of Jared's skin, lapping at the moistness as he traced a path down the lean body, as far as he could humanly reach. All the time, his hand stroked and caressed Jared's cock. He ran his finger over the leaking head and up and down the length revelling in the small pleased sounds Jared was uttering. Encouragement and words of love, something Jensen thought he would never ever hear again spurred him on.

Jared ran his hands through Jensen's hair, down his neck and over his shoulder blades massaging the strong muscles as Jensen moved his mouth up and down his chest exploring and caressing each centimetre of bare flushed skin. Jensen smiled at him before leaning forward and capturing Jared's lips in a kiss. He squeezed Jared's cock gently moving his hand up and down the hard length. Jared moaned again, lost in desire. Their lips met and they kissed passionately tongues exploring. They moaned in unison as Jensen picked up his rhythm on Jared's cock. "Come for me," he whispered.

The request was too much and Jared let out a long moan thrusting into Jensen's loose grip again. With a shout of Jensen's name, Jared came, his cock spurting his release over Jensen's belly and chest. Desperately wanting the older man to share in his bliss, Jared pressed his body closer to Jensen as he fell towards his climax, his cock pulsing over and over against Jensen's sweat dampened skin.

Jensen continued to massage Jared's cock and balls as the younger man continued to moan out his desire, his cock pulsating against Jensen's curled fingers. Jensen let out a moan of his own, losing himself in the sensation of Jared's warm release hitting his chest. Jared continued to jerk uncontrollably for a moment, his lips claiming Jensen's own in a burning kiss. They continued to kiss and touch as Jared's breathing gradually evened out and he was finally spent.

Jared pulled Jensen against his body as his love for the older man suddenly overwhelmed him. "Love you," he whispered. "Love you so much," he repeated as he wrapped his arms and legs around Jensen.

"Love you too," Jensen murmured nuzzling at Jared's neck and luxuriating in the feel of Jared's arms around him. He felt warm, safe and loved. Jensen let his eyes close, letting Jared's even soft breathing lull him into sleep.

**Two and half hours later..........**

They had awoken in each other's arms. Grinning stupidly at one another, they had finally gotten out of bed after a series of lazy kisses. Jared had disappeared to make a couple of calls, one to Loretta, and Jensen had gone to his bathroom as an idea had slowly formed in his head.

He looked around the room. Not exactly the romantic mood he had initially envisaged when the idea had hit him but he really hoped that Jared got what he was trying to do and hoped that he would like it, would appreciate the message Jensen was desperately trying to convey to the younger man. Jared had made him feel good, made him feel beautiful for the first time in a long time and he wanted to do something in return, something not blatantly sexual in nature. They'd had that already and although Jensen couldn't participate fully, Jared had made him feel special and loved. Jensen couldn't help himself and he stared down at his flaccid cock nestled between his useless legs.   He poked at the soft skin distractedly willing it to respond but the only hardness Jensen could feel, as he squeezed slightly, was the hated catheter contained within the length of his cock.  He sighed wishing, for Jared's sake not really his own, that his body would respond to Jared's gentle ministrations and become aroused. But Jensen was a realist and despite his doctors' assurances that there may be improvements in the future, he knew, deep down, that he was destined never to move anything below his waist under his own steam. Jensen sighed again frustrated, but was determined not to let the thoughts kill his good mood.

Jensen turned his attention back to the bathroom and the mood he had tried to create for Jared. The candles weren't scented or even a pretty colour, just the chalky white night-lights stuffed at the back of a cupboard in the kitchen in case of power outages. The bath was full of bubbles and a weird blue colour. Jensen had tested the water acutely aware that he could scald himself without knowing but after his fifth test decided that the water was just right, not too cold, not too hot. Again the bubble bath had been hidden at the back of the cupboard under the basin behind an assortment of shampoos, soaps and towels, a joke gift from Jim at Christmas.

Jensen scanned the room again wishing that he couldn't make it more romantic for them both. He wanted everything to be perfect for Jared. With a sigh and making a mental note to purchase scented candles and normal coloured bubble bath, Jensen wheeled himself towards the tub. He carefully transferred himself over to the edge of the tub. Perching on the edge of the tub, Jensen gave the wheelchair a shove out of the way. Using his hands, he then swung each of his legs over the edge and into the water wishing for a moment that he could feel the warmth of the water on his skin. Pushing the thought out of his mind, Jensen then braced himself and cautiously lowered himself into the bubbles. The water and the bubbles splashed over the edge onto the carpeting but Jensen ignored them not caring, just delighting in the fact that he was in the bath for the first time in over eighteen months. A small giggle escaped making Jensen immediately feel silly. He braced himself against one side of the tub with one arm in an effort to prevent himself from slipping under the water. He then submerged his other arm under the water for a moment before lifting it out letting the bubbles sit on top. He wiggled his fingers moving the bubbles slightly. Jensen giggled again letting the bubbles tickle his skin. He blew at them watching as they rose up into the air in puffs of white froth. Jensen reloaded his arm with bubbles and blew at them again.

"Having fun?" a voice from the doorway made Jensen jerk his head around. He blushed wondering how long Jared had been standing and watching him.

"Yeah," Jensen admitted sheepishly. He cocked his head to one side. "Join me?" he offered successfully managing to keep the tremble out of his voice. "If you don't want to, I'll understand," he added giving Jared an out if he wanted it.

Jared looked around the bath room, at the mood Jensen had tried to create for them and he grinned wide. "You're kidding right?" he pulled a face. "Miss sharing a bath with you. I'd have to be totally nuts," he said stripping off his sweat pants and t-shirt throwing them over his shoulder.

"You'll have... have to help me out," Jensen stuttered embarrassed. "I can get in OK but I can't get out on my own. Sorry," he dropped his head and stared at the bubbles distracted, feeling a mixture of shame and uselessness.

Jared knew that the admission had been hard for Jensen and his heart went out to the older man. "Jensen. Don't be sorry," he said forcibly as he marched over to the tub. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I wanna help you if you'll let me. OK?" he said kneeling by the side of the tub.

"OK," Jensen gave a small nod. He smiled feeling better about asking for the help. Jared made him feel better about asking for help. Jensen looked Jared up and down unconsciously licking at his lips. "What are you doing out there?" he asked with a smirk. "We got bubbles. And the water's warm."

Jared didn't need a second invitation and he waggled his eye brows mischievously. "And a really weird shade of blue," he teased as he carefully helped Jensen to move forwards slightly before stepping into the water. Jared sunk into the bubbles, his legs on either side of Jensen. Jared wiggled to get comfortable before pulling Jensen back against his chest and wrapping his arms around the older man resting his hands on his belly. "This is nice," he murmured in Jensen's ear.

Jensen twisted his head around to look at Jared. "Even though the water is a crappy colour and the candles suck," he asked. "And even though you'll have to haul my ass outta here when the water gets all gross." Jensen could feel himself tensing and silently cursed his stupid fears.

"Even then. And I like icky blue," Jared nodded with a smile. He leaned close to Jensen's ear. "And for the record you have a very pretty ass," he breathed huskily blowing in Jensen's ear. Jensen shivered and relaxed back into Jared arms, the sudden tenseness disappearing as quickly as it had appeared.

Jared sighed happily as he glanced quickly around the room again. He knew that they had a lot more hurdles to leap, knew that Jensen had a lot of innate fears to overcome but Jared could see that Jensen was trying and the romantic mood he had attempted to create, with hastily placed candles and bubble bath, was his way of saying that he cared, that he loved Jared. And just may be in time Jensen would trust him with the secrets of his past. Jared smiled at the thought but for now he was content to have Jensen, warm and relaxed, in his arms. "It's all perfect," Jared smiled down at Jensen.

 

**An hour and a half later .........**

"I'll get it," Jared jogged down the hallway towards the front door. "You didn't order pizza for breakfast again did you?" he teased over his shoulder.

"Just get the damn door," Jensen shouted from the depths of his bedroom.

"Yes .... oh grumpy one," Jared chuckled and pulled the door open. With a happy grin, Jared turned to greet their visitors only to find himself looking down the barrel of a shotgun.  

Before he could open his mouth, Jared was shoved back into the hallway.  "Inside," the man with the shotgun snarled shoving at Jared again.   Jared's head bounced off the wall making him see stars for a moment.   He shook his head to clear his blurry vision as a second man pushed past running down the hallway towards the living room.

"Jensen," Jared finally managed to shout knowing that the warning would probably be in vain.    

"Shut up," the man snarled pushing the shotgun hard against Jared's chest.   "And I'll let you live." 

Jared's head snapped to the side as the sound of a gunshot echoed through the house.    "Jensen," he screamed.


	7. Chasing the Ghosts of the Past

"Just get the damn door," Jensen shouted from the depths of his bedroom. He rolled his eyes at Jared's accusation that he had ordered pizza again for their breakfast. It had only been once.

Jensen looked himself up and down brushing at his jeans absently. He leaned forwards slightly glancing down at his right leg to make sure that his hated urine bag, today strapped to the back of his lower leg, was disguised by the slight flare in the lower part of his jeans. Jensen sighed. He was happy for the first time in a long time but could never seem to get away from daily reminders that his body was useless, that it needed help with the basic things that he had taken for granted in the past. Jensen brushed at his jeans again. It had taken him ages to decide what to wear and he had finally settled on a light green t-shirt with a dark green over shirt, his newer jeans and battered cowboy boots. Jensen brushed at the jeans once again hoping that he looked OK. It sounded so vain and girly to his ears but he desperately wanted to look good for Jared, wanted to look normal for Jared, even though he was stuck in the wheelchair.

Jared made him feel sexy, made him happy and for Jensen it was important that he looked good for their day out together. He couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. It had been a long time since he had felt so happy and it was all down to Jared. Quite simply, Jared took his breath away. Jensen felt like a lovesick teenager, felt like he could fly or climb a mountain dragging his hated wheelchair behind him. It made him wish for things Jensen knew he could never have again, but somehow Jared made him feel whole again, not broken or useless. Jensen bit at his lips, sadness threatening to take away his good mood. He shook his head dismissing his morose thoughts firmly deciding that nothing was going to stop him from enjoying himself, with Jared, today.

Jensen muttered to himself as he started to manoeuvre his chair around. His head snapped up as he heard Jared cry out his name. Jensen frowned hearing fear and panic in Jared's cry. He tensed and his stomach lurched with his own fear, as a weird instinctive dread filled him with a strange trepidation that the past he had been trying to ignore was back to haunt him all over again. Jensen spun his chair around as quickly as he could wishing with all his heart that his legs would allow him to stand and run out into the hallway. Jared sounded frightened and panicked. Jared needed him.

Silently Jensen cursed himself that he had locked his gun into the wall safe. He glanced sideways knowing that he didn't have time to retrieve the weapon. Decision made, his hands skimmed across the top of the wheels desperate to get to Jared. "Jared," Jensen breathed as he headed towards the doorway as fast as his wheels would allow him.

As he neared the doorway, a burly red-haired man appeared in his path brandishing a shotgun. Surprise and confusion spread across the stranger's face, obviously not expecting to be confronted by a man in a wheelchair and he dropped the gun slightly, his resolve seeming to waver.

Jensen saw indecision flicker in the man's eyes and took his chance. The moment's hesitation gave him an edge and Jensen's hands glanced across the chair's wheels again as he picked up as much speed as he could hurtling towards the stranger. Jensen managed to hit the man square in the shins with the foot rests and the man grunted in pain stepping back slightly. Jensen turned the chair slightly to the side and without thinking and not giving the man a chance to react, made a grab for the shotgun.

The man seemed momentarily startled and released his grip slightly. Jensen took advantage again and tugged on the weapon, using all his upper body strength. His attacker came to his senses suddenly and back-handed Jensen with his free hand. Jensen groaned seeing stars for a moment but managed to keep a grip of the shotgun as he shook his head trying to clear the fuzziness. The man huffed in annoyance and managed to flex the weapon sideways hitting Jensen on the side of his head with the weapon's butt. Pain exploded in Jensen's head and his grip weakened. Spots and stars danced before his eyes but Jensen grimly hung onto the gun determined. Jensen blinked but he could feel his vision blurring as the darkness threatened to overtake him. "No," he muttered determined as he tried to wrestle the shotgun away from his attacker. Jared needed him.

Jensen gritted his teeth glancing up at his attacker. The man grinned down at him, holding his angry glare. Jensen felt the chair move slightly as the man put one foot on the wheelchair's footrest. Jensen swore under his breath wishing that there had been time for him to set the chair's brakes. The man looked down at Jensen, grinning again. Jensen felt helpless knowing he couldn't really stop what he knew the man planned to do, without releasing his hold of the shotgun. Jensen, once again, cursed his useless legs as he desperately tried to wrestle the weapon out of the man's hands.

The man snorted and pushed hard with his foot, at the same time tugging at the gun. Jensen's wheelchair moved backwards. The man shoved at the chair again, at the same time tightening his grip on the shotgun. Jensen felt helpless as his chair moved backwards, could feel his fingers slipping from the weapon, could feel the darkness beckoning to him. With one more shove to the chair, the man finally wrenched the shotgun away making Jensen hiss with pain as his fingers were forced from their grip of the weapon's barrel. As the man drew the gun towards his body, his fingers glanced over the trigger and it went off shattering the eerie silence. The sound filled Jensen's head making it pound with even more pain. He vaguely heard the shot spray the wall behind him. Jensen heard Jared's panicked cry of his name. It was the last thing he heard before his attacker stepped forwards and hit him with the butt of the gun again. Helpless, Jensen felt himself falling sideways. The floor rushed up to greet him and his blurry vision slowly faded into the darkness and the relief of unconsciousness.

**An hour later....**

Jared couldn't really remember much of the last hour. It had been a roller coaster of blind terror, where time passed in a blur of hazy movements and actions, seemingly just on the edge of reality. Jared had never in his life experienced such pure terror and had struggled to keep himself calm, keep himself from screaming out in fear and panic.

His mind was strangely blank but Jared would never forget the sound of the gunshot ringing out, deafening him with the possibility that he may have lost Jensen just when they had found each other. The weight and pressure of the cold metal pressed against his chest paled into insignificance and he had struggled against the hold the snarling man had over him. Held tight against the wall, shotgun pressed against his body and ignoring the threats from his captor, Jared had screamed for Jensen again, desperate to hear the older man's voice, even his snark. A cold sense of relief had washed over him, quickly replaced by horror, as he watched the second man drag an unconscious Jensen along the hallway by one arm dumping him unceremoniously in a heap against the opposite wall. Jared's captor had snarled his displeasure at the sound of the gunshot demanding an explanation. The second man had snapped back saying that he hadn't signed up to kidnap a cripple. Anger tinging his tone, he had then proceeded to explain that Jensen had rammed his wheelchair against his legs as he tried to wrestle the shotgun away from him. In the struggle the weapon had discharged into the wall, but he had managed to hit Jensen hard in the side of the head. He had smiled and obviously wanting to take his anger out on someone had kicked at Jensen's unconscious body, once, twice, three times.

The cruel actions jolted Jared into action and growling in the back of his throat, he had kicked at his captor managing to escape from his grip. Surprisingly, the man had let him go and Jared had dropped to his knees cradling Jensen protectively in his arms, scowling up at both men. He turned his body slightly purposely putting himself between the men and Jensen. They had just laughed at him and Jared had turned his attention back to Jensen, his hands frantically searching out injuries, tears blurring his vision. Jared had to be sure in his own mind that Jensen hadn't been shot. Relief had washed over him again - his frantic search finding no bullet wounds or blood, just a new blossoming bruise on the left side of Jensen's face where he had obviously been hit hard.

Jared had then been forced, at gun point, to lift Jensen into his arms and carry him out to a waiting van. They had been locked into the darkness and driven for what seemed like hours. Jared closed his eyes for a moment in an effort to force the memories away, down deep inside him. He could feel himself trembling slightly and he clenched the fingers of one hand into a tight fist willing away the fear, the panic and the utter terror he felt inside. Jared needed to be strong. For Jensen. For himself.

Opening his eyes he glanced sideways at Jensen. The older man was slumped against Jared's side, his eyes closed, pain etched across his face. Jensen had regained consciousness ten minutes previously and so far had remained silent and Jared had decided to leave the older man for a moment, give him time to get himself re-orientated into the waking world. Although silent, Jensen was gripping one of Jared's hands as though trying to draw strength from him. Somehow the action grounded Jared, made him feel stronger, less afraid. Jared felt his thudding heartbeat gradually start to calm. Jared grit his teeth, determined. He needed to be strong and calm. Strong for Jensen. He squeezed Jensen's hand, happy when Jensen responded with his own light squeeze.

Jared forced his attention away from Jensen and glanced around the small room they had been thrown into after being forced out of the van. It was small and cramped and obviously a storeroom of some kind. It had no windows and was set off the garage area they had been driven into. Jared wasn't sure where they had been taken, had even listened as best he could to the two men but they gave nothing away. He sighed in frustration, feeling vaguely useless.

Jared still felt a bit disorientated and a lot terrified. He just couldn't seem to get over the image of a shotgun being pushed against his chest or the sound of the gun echoing through the house or the thought that he may have lost Jensen. He shivered at the thoughts whirling around in his mind. Jared didn't really know what was happening but sensed it had something to do with Jensen's past. He glanced down and stroked his free hand through Jensen's hair pulling the older man closer.

"You OK?" Jared asked, not really expecting an answer.

"Where are we?" Jensen ignored the question squinting up at Jared. He didn't know if his legs hurt but his back, above his waist, ached with a throbbing intensity and his head was pounding in pain but hell would freeze over before he admitted it to the younger man. Jared didn't need to worry about him. Jensen scrubbed his free hand across his eyes trying to ease the ache in his head.

Jared sighed sensing that Jensen was lying to him. He knew Jensen was probably in pain from the cruel kicking but decided not to challenge him, wanting to avoid an argument or upsetting Jensen. "Beats me," he answered honestly. He scrunched up his face in thought. "I think we were in the van for thirty minutes, may be forty-five minutes tops but ... you know..... I could be wrong. Kinda new to this."

Jensen looked around the room. He wished that he could get up and explore the small room properly but had to satisfy himself with a cursory inspection from his position on the floor. No escape route was obvious and Jensen sighed in frustration. He also knew, in his heart, that he would be a liability in an escape attempt so decided that he would find a way for Jared to get away and go for help. Jensen scrubbed his hand over his face again knowing that convincing Jared of his plan would be difficult, but he was determined to get Jared out of harm's way. After a last look around the room, Jensen sighed again. "I'm sorry," he said so quietly that Jared nearly missed the words.

"For what?" Jared asked.

"For this," Jensen frowned waving his hand around the room. "For getting you into this. You didn't sign up for this," he waved at the room again frustrated that Jared didn't seem to understand.

"Don't be," Jared replied with a shrug. "It's not your fault."

Jensen twisted slightly and looked up at Jared. "How the hell do you work that one out?"

Jared shrugged again trying to remain as calm as possible, even though inside he felt like he was going to explode with terror. But he needed to be strong, for them both. "You didn't ask to be kidnapped," he answered simply, proud that his voice didn't waver at all. "So I figure it's not your fault."

Jensen scowled. "You're seriously weird," he accused. "With crazy assed logic." Despite their situation, Jensen couldn't help the warm glow deep inside at the thought that Jared was trying to make things easier for him, make him feel less responsible. The thought made him love Jared a little bit more.

Jared shrugged again. "Guess so," he gave a small smile trying to be as nonchalant as he could muster, not wanting Jensen to worry, trying to lighten the situation. "We already kinda established last night that I was a freak," he grinned.

Jensen returned the grin with a small smile of his own, the memory of the previous night still warming his soul. He looked around the room again. "It's him... I know it's him," he bit at his lip. Jensen could feel the familiar panic and fear curling in the pit of his stomach. He felt sick and couldn't help shivering at the thought that Evan was close.

"Evan?" Jared asked although he already knew the answer. Feeling Jensen shudder, he pulled the older man closer trying to give as much comfort as possible.

"Yeah. Ex-Special Agent Evan Bennett," Jensen nodded. He turned his head and stared at the opposite wall distractedly, not able to look at Jared. " I'm so sorry. You shouldn't be here," Jensen choked not able to stop the tears filling his eyes. "It's all my stupid damn fault. I shoulda been more careful," he rubbed angrily at his eyes with his free hand. "I shoulda known better. I was a cop for God's sake."

Jared shifted and reached over pulling Jensen's face back towards him. "Ssshhhh," he ran a finger gently down Jensen's pale face tracing the outline of the bruise that was rapidly forming around one eye and over his cheek. "It's not your fault." Jensen couldn't help himself and leaned into the touch. "You didn't know," Jared soothed. "OK?"

"Alex warned me. That night in the bar. You were there. You heard what he said," Jensen snapped pulling away from Jared. "I shoulda made you leave then. Made you go somewhere safe. Away from him. Away from me." Jensen looked up at Jared, determined. "Jared. Promise me something. OK?"

"OK," Jared frowned, not liking the determined set of Jensen's jaw. He knew, instinctively, that he wasn't going to like what Jensen was about to say.

Jensen breathed out. "Look ... if you get the chance.... you get out," he said. "I'll try and distract them somehow so you can get out. OK?"

"No," Jared protested horrified at the thought of leaving Jensen behind at the mercy of Evan and his thugs, men who had already murdered innocent men.

"Yes," Jensen interrupted pulling away from Jared. "Yes. You have to," he tugged his hand out of Jared's grip. "You gotta get your ass outta here. And go for help. Go find Alex. He'll know what to do and he'll bring the cavalry," Jensen shrugged slightly. "I'll be OK. Just promise me you'll take your chance."

"No," Jared hissed angrily. He was angry at Jensen. Angry at Jensen for wanting him to escape on his own. Angry that Jensen suddenly didn't seem to want to touch him at the moment. He frowned confused and hurt.

Jensen could see the hurt in Jared's eyes as he shifted away from his side but he knew that if Evan suspected that they were close, things could get dangerous for Jared, and Jensen was desperate to protect the younger man, even if it hurt them both. Ignoring his heavy heart and making a silent promise to himself to make it up to Jared if they got out safely, Jensen waved at his legs. "I'll just be a liability. These useless things will only hold us... you back. Jared. Please don't do your stubborn thing," he pleaded knowing, in his heart, that his words were falling on deaf ears.

"No I won't go. I won't leave you. Don't you ever suggest such a dumb ass thing again. Not ever," Jared snapped back, suddenly angry at Jensen. "And I can damn well take care of myself." He jutted his chin out determined and scowled down at Jensen. "I'm here and I'm staying. So deal." He folded his arms across his chest.

Jensen glared at him. "Jared," he started to protest.

"No," Jared interrupted again. "I'm not changing my mind on this one. If we go, we go together. Or not at all."

Jensen sighed knowing that this was another battle of wills he wasn't going to win any time soon. He desperately wanted to protect Jared. Protect Jared from what he knew Evan Bennett was capable of. Jensen couldn't bear the thought of Evan hurting Jared. "You don't know what he's capable of," he said finally. "I don't want him to hurt you.... like..like.....," he bit at his lips not able to bring himself to finish the sentence. Jensen closed his eyes trying to shut out the memories and the pain of the past.

"Like he hurt you," Jared encouraged softly, his anger disappearing as soon as it had appeared, suddenly sensing why Jensen was drawing away from him, not wanting them to touch. Jensen was afraid for him, afraid that Evan would hurt him. The thought made him love Jensen a little bit more.

Jensen opened his eyes and stared up at Jared. Kind and loving Jared. Jensen knew, there and then, that if they were ever going to have a future together he owed the younger man the truth, had probably owed him the truth since day one, or at least the night Alex had told them that Evan had escaped prison. Jared deserved to know what he was letting himself in for by becoming involved with him. He was terrified, afraid that Jared would judge him. But at the same time, Jensen knew it was time to let go. Let go of his past and look to the future. Finally Jensen gave a small jerky nod, not able to say the words out loud.

Jared saw a myriad of emotions flickering in Jensen's expressive eyes. Shame. Guilt. Hurt. Defeat. Fear. And just on the edge, fleetingly, he saw love and a glimmer of hope. Jared took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself, knowing deep inside that the admission had been hard for Jensen and he needed to prove that it changed nothing between them. He loved Jensen. Jared leaned over and softly kissed Jensen. "It'll be OK," he soothed.

"It'll never be OK," Jensen said defeated. "He'll.... he'll always be there. Waiting. I shoulda known," Jensen persisted. "Shoulda known he'd never leave me alone. Never leave me in peace. And it's all my own damn fault."

"Jensen," Jared started to say. The rest of Jared's reply was drowned out by the bolts being thrown back and the door crashing open. Jared looked up to see a tall smiling man seemingly filling the entire doorway. He took a moment to look Evan Bennett up and down. Taller than himself, Evan was bulkier with well defined muscles in his arms, upper body and legs. Dressed in smart black dress pants with a cream coloured over shirt, the man was surprisingly tanned for someone who had been in prison for over eighteen months. He had a mop of unruly sun-bleached blonde hair and piercing ice blue eyes that seemed to look right through him.

Jared shuddered slightly immediately sensing a hint of danger lurking deep in the pale blue depths. He jutted his chin out defiantly, in challenge, as Evan narrowed his eyes studying him for a moment. Jared let out a small breath as Evan turned away from him towards Jensen. He decided, there and then, that there was no way that he was leaving Jensen alone with this man.

Even though Jensen was expecting Evan to make an appearance, the sight of his ex-lover caught him off-guard making past memories surge into his mind, swirling and chasing each other around his already aching head. He felt his throat go dry as he looked up at the living breathing star player of all his nightmares. Jensen could feel his body start to tremble as the sickening familiar panic and dread filled him. Jensen wanted to hold onto Jared, needed to hold onto Jared, but was terrified that Evan would hurt the younger man. Instead Jensen clenched his hands into fists desperately trying to calm his thudding heart and rapid breathing. "Evan," Jensen finally managed to stutter.

"Jensen," Evan beamed. "Looking good baby. Green. My favourite colour. Just like your beautiful eyes," he beamed again holding his arms out towards Jensen, expecting the other man to rush into them. He frowned when after a minute, there was still no reaction or movement from Jensen. Evan cocked his head to one side, dropping his hands to his hips. "What? No hug? No I love you?" he asked with a shrug.

Jensen went to open his mouth but no sound came out. His innate fear of this man made all his strength, energy and courage desert him, leaving him feeling empty and useless. Totally worthless, as Evan had shouted at him many times in the past. Jensen stared up at Evan, not seeing the handsome and charming man he had met when he needed someone to love but the person, the monster, who had hurt him and destroyed his life. Evan seemed to have forgotten everything and still wanted a hug, still wanted affection and love from Jensen. It made his skin crawl and the thought of Evan touching him made him feel sick.

Evan frowned again moving out of the doorway towards the two men. He narrowed his eyes slightly as he got a good look at Jensen and the bruises on his face. "Who hurt you baby?" he leaned over stroking a hand down Jensen's bruised face.

"Don't," Jensen flinched at the touch, not able to bear the man's touch on his skin. His stomach rolled in protest and Jensen took a couple of deep breaths. Evan was oblivious ignoring Jensen's obvious distress and the reason for it as he continued to stroke the bruising.

"Try one of your thugs," Jared snapped, rushing to Jensen's defence. Even though they weren't touching, he could feel the barely controlled fear radiating from Jensen's body. Jared desperately wanted to hold Jensen, desperately wanted to slap Evan's hand away from his face but sensed that any touch could mean danger for both of them.

Dropping his hand from Jensen's face, Evan turned his head slowly and stared at Jared. He drew himself up to his full height, flexing his shoulders slightly easily adopting his well-practised act of intimidation, using his height as a weapon. Evan glared at Jared. "And you are?" he said, his voice clipped, controlled.

Jared sprang to his feet, determined not to be intimidated or threatened by this man, even though inside, he was terrified. "Jared Padalecki," he mimicked Evan's movements straightening up to his full height, standing between Jensen and Evan.

Evan cocked an eyebrow at Jared, surprised that the younger man didn't seem to be threatened by him. It annoyed him and he scowled his displeasure. "And what do you do Jared Padalecki?" he sneered.

Jared knew that Jensen was afraid for them both but still was sorely tempted to tell Evan that they loved each other. That Evan was nothing to Jensen, that he had been replaced in Jensen's heart. Indecision whirled around his head for a moment and Jared bit at his lip. "I'm Jensen's assistant," he answered instead, proud that his voice didn't waver and hoping that he sounded confident and truthful. Jared jutted his chin out again and folded his arms across his chest to stop his hands shaking.

Evan eyed Jared for a moment before glaring nastily. "Well Mr Assistant," he shoved at Jared. "Outta my damn way," he ordered shoving Jared again. He ignored Jared turning his attention back to Jensen.

Jared wanted to protest, wanted to push back but was afraid that Evan would hurt Jensen. Instead he looked down at Jensen, giving the older man a small reassuring smile. "It'll be OK," he mouthed.

Jensen gave a small nod before turning frightened eyes towards Evan. His stomach was churning, his mouth was dry and he could feel the sweat running down the back of his neck. Jensen was terrified. He swallowed hard trying desperately to prevent himself from throwing up. This was worse than his worst nightmare. Jensen felt so helpless, even more so than he had in the past. This time he only had half a body to fight back with. Jensen knew he had to be strong and find the inner courage, the courage and determination that had stopped him from eating his own gun in despair after he had been discharged from the hospital. He had to be strong. For Jared. For himself.

"I'm here now," Evan said, looming over Jensen. "Don't worry baby," he soothed. "Evan's here now. You're safe," he reached down stroking Jensen's face again.

Jensen recoiled from the touch, giving a small shake of his head. "Evan," he murmured, not able to look the man in the face.

Evan grinned at him. "And tomorrow we're gonna leave for our new life together. Just you and me baby," he grinned again happily. "But first you need to get some rest. Get strong. Ready for our trip. And I need to tie up some loose ends."

Jensen looked up in horror, his terror intensifying. Evan wanted them to be together and he heard the veiled threat loud and clear. Jared wasn't coming with them. Evan reached down towards him with a smile. Jensen wanted to scream, wanted to run and instinctively flinched away from Evan's large hands, hands that had hurt him over and over in the past. "No," Jensen managed to whisper as Evan lifted him into his arms as if he weighed nothing. Jensen closed his eyes and grit his teeth, not able to struggle in Evan's hold.

Oblivious to anything but the happy future he had planned in his head where Jensen did everything he wanted, Evan ignored the plea, dismissing it as unimportant. "Love you baby," he kissed Jensen's cheek as he headed towards the door. Evan smiled. Jensen was all his again.

A movement to his right caught his eye and Evan stopped mid-stride. He glanced sideways noticing that the younger man was at his side uninvited. He glared at Jared. "What?" he snapped. Jared glared back silently, hoping that his intention was clear to the older man. Evan narrowed his eyes studying Jared intently. Jared held his gaze not shying away from the intense scrutiny, hoping that Evan couldn't hear the loud thudding of his heart. "Follow me," Evan finally snarled. "Behave. And keep that smart mouth of yours shut," he snapped, deciding that he would deal with Jared Padalecki before he and Jensen left. Evan grinned idly toying with various ideas of just how to kill the younger man.

Jared watched as Evan visibly tightened his grip on Jensen. He knew, there and then, that Evan meant business; he could see the masked threat in his eyes. Behave or Jensen will suffer was clearly reflected in the icy blueness. Jared swallowed hard and remained silent as he followed Evan out of the door.

**Ten minutes later.......**

They had been left alone again.   Jared prowled around the room, obviously a guest bedroom. The room was feminine in its decoration. The walls were painted plain white making the room seem larger than it was. Matching pale green and white cushions and comforters adorned the queen-sized bed in the corner. Two white dressers and a dressing table were positioned along another wall. A door to the left lead to an en suite bathroom. The door next to the bathroom was an empty walk-in closet. The fourth wall wasn't a wall but a large ceiling to floor sliding door camouflaged, at present, with pale green blinds that were tightly shut. Adjacent to the bed was a small couch with a brightly covered throw tossed over the back.

Jared peered carefully through the closed blinds. "I think we're at the beach," he said squinting against the sunlight. "I think I can kinda smell the ocean," he turned back to Jensen. Evan had put Jensen on the couch telling him to rest. It had been an order not a request. He had then disappeared saying that he had things to attend to but promised to return with lunch. The man had acted as though nothing had happened, as though he hadn't escaped from prison or murdered innocent men or had them both kidnapped. Evan exuded the air of self-confidence and surety in every action, every move or expression seemed planned and calculated, contrived to terrorise and intimidate his victims. Evan Bennett was dangerous, that much was obvious. Menace seemed to seep from every pore and Jared admitted to himself that Evan scared the hell out of him and couldn't even begin to imagine how he made Jensen feel.

"Evan hates the ocean," Jensen said distractedly. He stared down at his arms, his legs, his clothes and he brushed at them desperately trying to rid himself of the feeling of Evan's hands on him again. Jensen shuddered at the thought. An irrational desire to rip off the skin where Evan had touched him filled him and he scratched at his arms. The kiss to his cheek had nearly made him throw up and Jensen left off scratching to rub absently at his face trying to erase the memory. He couldn't seem to shop shaking and he clutched his hands together in an effort to stop the trembling. Jensen wanted and needed but he was afraid. He looked over to the younger man, his need overcoming his fears. "Jared," he choked, his voice coming out barely a whisper.

"Hey," Jared moved towards the couch immediately, not able to miss the hint of panic in Jensen's tone. "You OK?" he asked. Jensen was deathly pale, the dark bruising on his face standing out in stark contrast to his pasty skin. Jared could see that the older man was trembling, barely holding it together. Jensen looked up at him, fear reflected in his green eyes. "OK. Dumb question," Jared quipped lightly. He gave Jensen a small reassuring smile before slumping down next to him. Jared wanted to hold Jensen, comfort Jensen but knew the danger it could potentially cause for them both. He tentatively offered Jensen a hand.

"I've heard dumber," Jensen whispered grabbing at Jared's hand and holding on tight. The contact made him relax slightly and he glanced around the room, squeezing at Jared's hand every now and again.

Jared blew out the breath he had been holding, glad that he could offer some form of comfort to Jensen. He leaned over and stole a quick kiss before pulling back and smiling at Jensen. "So," he said gently. "Evan. Kinda creepy huh?"

Despite the frightening situation and his own terror, Jensen couldn't help himself and a small chuckle escaped. "You dude are the master of understatement," he replied, with a small lopsided smile of his own.

Jared grinned stealing another quick kiss. They sat is silence for a few moments, hands entwined, drawing strength from each other. Jensen stared at the wall, lost in his thoughts. Thoughts and memories that wouldn't go away. He knew it probably wasn't the right moment but he had to tell Jared everything. Everything he had been too afraid to tell anyone, not just Jared. For some reason, he couldn't explain, even to himself, Jensen had to make Jared understand. "He destroyed my life," Jensen finally broke the silence. "And I let him. Let him hurt me over and over."

"Jensen," Jared interrupted. "This isn't the right time," he said desperately trying to spare Jensen the pain of reliving his past, when it was probably lurking in the shadows nearby.

"Please," Jensen gripped Jared's hand harder. "I know it's a crappy time and this," he waved a hand around the room. "Sucks big time but I.... I have to tell you. You have to understand. You have to," he insisted. "Please Jared. Before he comes back."

Jared blew out a breath as he studied Jensen's face. He looked so desperate and earnest. Jared made a snap decision he hoped he wouldn't regret. He gave a small nod squeezing Jensen's hand in silent encouragement. He accepted that it probably wasn't the right time for confessions, but Jared also knew that Jensen needed to do this, and if Jensen needed to tell him now, Jared would listen. "OK," he acquiesced.

"OK," Jensen nodded. He clenched one fist and steeled his heart. He took a deep calming breath. "I let .... let him beat the hell outta me," Jensen forced the words out. "Let him black my eyes on ....on more than one occasion. Let him do... do stuff in... in the bedroom," Jensen flushed slightly staring down at his hands, shame rushing through his body at the thought of what Evan had made him do. He swallowed hard trying to cast out the images running around his head. Jensen risked looking over to Jared expecting to see disgust and loathing in the younger man's eyes. Instead Jared's eyes were filled with love and understanding.

Jared instinctively knew that Jensen expected to see disgust in his eyes and he deliberately schooled his features, putting all the love and understanding into his expression that he could. He loved Jensen and he didn't care about the past; all he cared about was their future, a future he was determined that they were going to have.

Jensen could feel the tears stinging at his eyes at the simple acceptance that Jared was giving him now, had always given him since the day they met in his office at the Agency. It fuelled his resolve, giving him the strength to continue. "I took his punches. His slaps. His cruel insults. Him telling me.... me that I was pathetic and... and stupid... and ugly. And I didn't fight back. Not once. I had been a tough-assed cop with a shiny detective's badge. I owned a frigging detective agency...... and I didn't fight back once," he shrugged. "Didn't even tell anyone what he was doing... not Loretta or Jim. No-one. I hated myself... I felt so.... so dirty and ashamed. Thought they'd think I was just a pathetic waste of space. Just like Evan did."

"I don't know Jim or Loretta very well but I know they would never think that of you. They love you," Jared said firmly.

"I guess," Jensen agreed. "But back then Evan had made me feel useless and worthless.... and you kinda end up believing all the crap. Freaky thing was that I saw people like me every day when I was a cop. Beaten and broken by someone they loved. But I just couldn't see that I was a victim. That I was like them. And I just.... just couldn't bring myself to admit it to anyone, not even to myself."

Jared nodded in understanding but deep inside he couldn't help feeling horrified at what Jensen had been subjected to, couldn't understand why anybody would want to hurt someone as gentle and beautiful as Jensen. Everything began to make some sort of sense - why Jensen had been afraid and had attempted to push him away. At that moment, Jared wanted to seriously hurt Evan, take a small revenge for all the hurt and pain he had ever put Jensen through. He dragged himself away from thoughts of retaliation concentrating all his efforts on Jensen. He was curious and frowned confused. "Was he always so....so," Jared strived to find the right words.

"Cruel and nasty?" Jensen interrupted. Jared nodded silently. "No. At first he was... was great. Made me feel really special. Then after a few months, he got possessive. And jealous. Hated me having friends or going out... stuff like that. It kinda took me by surprise when he first hit me. Blacked my eye. I thought it was down to his job. You know... a tough case or something. But then it happened again and again," Jensen's voice wavered slightly. "And then he used to find any reason to hit me. He.... he just became this person I didn't recognise any more. And I guess in a way, I did too," Jensen gave a small shrug. "I used to look in the mirror... and I couldn't see me any more. Just this stranger looking back."

"Why?" Jared couldn't stop himself asking. "Why didn't you fight back?"

"Pathetic huh?" Jensen murmured, staring at the wall opposite.

"No," Jared protested immediately. "I hate my big mouth sometimes. I didn't mean anything by it," he huffed out a long sigh. " Boy I am so stupid sometimes."

"No," Jensen stopped Jared's babbling. "It's.... it's a fair question. "I guess," he gave a small shrug again. "I guess I thought that once I started.... started hitting him back .... I wouldn't be able to .... to stop. I was ..... was so terrified of killing him," Jensen choked burying his head in Jared's shoulder. "That... that all the pain and.... and humiliation he had put me through would make me keep hitting him until I ki.... killed him."

"Sssshh," Jared whispered pulling Jensen closer. He clenched his fists trying to keep his anger in check.

"I just wanted.... wanted him to love me back," Jensen sobbed into Jared's shoulder. "I just wanted him to love me," Jensen pulled out of the embrace, looking up at Jared, his face tear-stained. "I let him hit me... over and over thinking and hoping that he would change but he never did.... until I couldn't bear it any more. Until... until he broke my arm in a fit of temper because I went to the Agency barbecue when he wanted me to stay at home with him." Jensen wiped at his eyes, not able to stop more tears falling unchecked down his face at the memories. He stared at the wall, lost in his memories, reliving all the pain, all the bruises he had ever suffered at Evan's hands. Jensen shivered.

"Then what?" Jared coaxed gently. In truth, he really wanted Jensen to stop, not wanting to hear any more of the torture that Jensen had endured, but knew that the older man wouldn't stop until he had told him everything. Jensen needed this and in a strange way, Jared needed it too.

Jensen snapped himself out of his trance and looked at Jared. "I knew I didn't love him any more. I think deep down I hadn't loved him for a long time. And I knew he didn't love me. Would never love me. He just wanted to own me. He couldn't love me... and hurt me," Jensen whispered. "So I decided that it was over.... just like that." Jensen swallowed hard, his mouth and throat dry. "Finally got myself some balls and went over to his place to tell him. He was sorry. He was always sorry but I'd finally had enough. We argued and screamed at each other," Jensen gave a small hollow laugh. "I think I kinda surprised him. Fighting back for a change. Didn't like it one damn bit. He even begged me to stay. Got down on his knees and begged."

"Go on," Jared encouraged.

Jensen sniffed and wiped at his eyes again. "It kinda hit me then... that he was the pathetic one, the coward ...not me. And I just knew I was doing the right thing so I turned and started to leave. He was still shouting at me... calling me names. Trying to wear me down. Shoulda known never to turn my back on him. Next thing I remember is a terrible pain in my back and laying on the floor staining his perfect white carpet with.... with my blood." Jared pulled Jensen closer again, hugging him hard. "He... he," Jensen's voice wavered slightly. "Shot me in the back. And the rest as they say," he waved a hand at his legs. "Is history."

"Oh Jensen," was all that Jared could think of to say, deciding that actions spoke louder than words. He hugged Jensen again giving him a soft kiss.

"He even left me with a little souvenir, something to remember him with every damn day," Jensen said bitterly. "They only got one bullet out. The doctors were too afraid that the second one would do more damage to my spine. So it's still in my back."

"Why don't they get it out?" Jared asked, curious despite the horror he felt deep inside.

Jensen gave a small shrug. "At first it was too close to my spine and they were worried about even more damage and paralysis.... may be higher up," his voice wobbled slightly. " So they've been monitoring it. And the little sucker has been moving. That's why I have to go to the hospital regularly."

"Moving?" Jared interrupted, not able to temper the worry in his tone.

"Yeah. But it's cool," Jensen assured patting Jared's knee gently. "Don't worry dude. It's moving the right way. You know ....away from my spine. And a couple of months down the line, they might even dig it out."

Jared blew out a long breath, trying to take in everything that Jensen had told him. "I don't really know what to say," he admitted, feeling a tinge of guilt at how useless he felt right now. Jensen needed him and he couldn't think of a single sensible thing to say. Jared sighed softly in frustration hoping, with all his heart, that Jensen knew that he loved him, that nothing had changed between them.

"You don't have to say anything," Jensen offered kindly. "I'm glad I told you," he said softly. And he knew he meant it, telling Jared everything had been one of his better decisions despite the crappy timing.

"I'm glad you did too," Jared replied. "But I just.... just you know feel I should say something. I don't know what.... but something.... anything," he babbled. "But I can't think of a damn thing to say. You went through all that crap alone. And I can't think of a thing to say. I so suck," he sighed.

Jensen gave a soft chuckle. "Jared. It's OK. Really," he soothed. Jensen had known that it would be a lot for Jared to take in, knew that Jared would find it difficult to understand. But Jensen sensed that it hadn't changed things between them - he knew for certain somehow that Jared still loved and didn't judge him. It made him feel stronger, made him feel loved and secure, even given that they had been kidnapped by his ex-lover. Jensen squeezed Jared's hand. "I was stupid in love. Just wanted someone to love me. And I paid the price for being such a stupid asshole for so long. I shoulda walked after the first black eye."

"Wanting someone to love you is not a crime," Jared protested hotly. "It doesn't make you stupid or pathetic or a coward. Because if it did, there are a hell of a lot of dudes out there being stupid all over the place. Jensen. You deserve to be loved. By someone who loves you back."

Jensen knew it was stupid, in their current situation, but he just needed to know, needed to hear Jared say it. "You may be?" he asked, not able to keep the hope out of his tone.

Jared leaned over. "I love you Jensen," he whispered in Jensen's ear. "Very much. And when we get outta here, we gonna have a great life together. OK?

Jensen gave a small smile coupled with a tentative nod. "I love you too Jared," he said softly. "And I want us to have a life together. Just you and me. If you want."

"Damn straight you do," Jared grinned. "And I want. Very much."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Cocky much," he tilted his head to one side, biting at his lips suddenly nervous again. "Do you think he'll be back soon?" he nodded at the door.

"I won't let him hurt you ever again," Jared said determined. "I promise."

"He won't let you keep that promise," Jensen responded with a sigh. "He's crazy in the head. He thinks I still love him. That I wanna be with him. He doesn't even believe he paralysed me. That he didn't shoot me. Even though the cops found him standing over me with his service revolver in his hand. Two bullets missing. GSR all over him and his clothes. Maintained all through his trial that Jim had set it up or some crazy ass thing."

"But that's just nuts," Jared huffed.

"Yeah I know. But in his head Evan thinks I'm just pretending to be paralysed. That Jim and Loretta made me tell lies to get him put in prison. He hates them and I don't really know why," Jensen said.

Jared frowned. "I think Evan knows what he did to you. Deep down inside," he mused. "I think he knows exactly what he did to you."

"How do you work that out?" Jensen pulled a face.

"He carried you in here," Jared answered simply. "If he believed you could walk, I think he would have helped you to your feet and supported you.... not carry you. He didn't hesitate. And I think it was instinctive. You know something to do with his sub-conscious telling him you can't walk," he reflected.

"You're such a geek," Jensen teased softly but he couldn't help wondering if Jared was right about Evan.

Jared pouted. "I just think he knows what he did. He knows that he's responsible. But he's just ignoring it."

"May be," Jensen agreed. "I gave up trying to work out how his mind works a very long time ago," he sighed.

Without warning, Jared jumped up. "So let's see about getting the hell outta here and away from the crazies," he moved towards the window and cautiously peered through the blinds again. "So we can get on with our life." He tried the lock on the sliding door. It wouldn't budge and Jared sighed in defeat, rattling the lock for effect.

"You go," Jensen pleaded. "Go and get help. Get Alex," he said. He knew, deep inside with a sickening certainty, that Evan planned to hurt or even kill Jared and Jensen was desperate to protect the younger man. "Please," he beseeched.

"No way," Jared said firmly. Jared turned to Jensen, jaw set and determined. "I told you that I am not going without you. We go together or not at all," he enunciated each word carefully to make his meaning clear. "I am not leaving you with that maniac," he stabbed a finger at the bedroom door.

"Jared," Jensen pleaded frustrated that Jared wouldn't listen to him. "Don't be a stubborn asshole." Jared ignored Jensen and continued to study every angle of the sliding door hoping that a solution would magically present itself to him.

Jensen sighed in defeat. "OK. So what's the plan?"

"Plan?" Jared said absently as he rattled at the sliding door lock again.

"Yes plan," Jensen pressed, his voice rising slightly in anger. "You do have a plan? For when we get outta this room? If we get out," he snapped, suddenly irritated at the younger man. Jensen knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to protect Jared from Evan and what he had planned but the younger man was being as stubborn as ever. It made him feel warm inside but at the same time, Jensen couldn't seem to shake the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that Evan planned to kill Jared and probably in front of him. Frightened for Jared, he could feel his panic rising.

Jared flushed. "Not really," he admitted sheepishly. "Hey," he pouted at the exasperated look on Jensen's face. "This is my first escape."

Jensen rolled his eyes in irritation. Jared pouted again, his expression taking on the look akin to a puppy being kicked by its owner. Jensen also caught the look of chagrin and embarrassment flash in his gentle eyes, and immediately felt guilty for his short-temper. Deep down, Jensen knew it wasn't Jared's fault. He was the ex-cop and owner of a detective agency, any plan should be up to him. Jensen blew out a silent breath. "Well if you're not gonna leave me here....," he started to say.

"Damn straight I'm not leaving you here," Jared interrupted, the pout and whipped puppy dog expression turning immediately to a steely look of determination.

Jensen glared at Jared. "I guess we should head for the underground garage and hope their van is still there," he proposed tentatively. It wasn't the greatest plan in the world, but it was all Jensen could come up with. "Then you can hot wire it and get us the hell outta Dodge."

"Hot wire?" Jared flushed again. He raised a hand biting at his nails nervously. "I've never hot wired a car before," he confessed feeling stupid and useless.

Jensen rolled his eyes again. "Never hot-wired a car?" he said slowly. "Ever?"

Jared shook his head. "It never came up before," he defended. "There's not a lot of call for it in computer programming."

Jensen cocked his head to one side. "You are so going to hot wiring a car 101 when we get outta this," he promised with a small smile.

Jared rewarded Jensen with a small grin in return. "Cool," he said excitedly.

Jensen shook his head in despair at Jared's obvious boyish enthusiasm. "OK. I'll handle the hot wiring of the van," he said. "You'll have to drive. But first we have to get out of this room. Any ideas?"

Jared headed towards the door. "Perhaps he left the door unlocked," he suggested hopefully.

"Yeah," Jensen huffed, irritated. "Because Quantico trained ex-FBI agents do that," he said.

"Guess he needs to go back to Quantico for some re-training.   Looks like creepy Evan is getting kinda sloppy," Jared grinned in surprise when the door opened without force. He peered out into the hallway, straining to hear if he could hear Evan or his thugs. The hallway was empty and silent. He ducked back into the room moving quickly over to Jensen. Jared turned, crouching slightly offering Jensen his back. "Let's haul some ass," he looked over his shoulder expectantly at Jensen.

Jensen had a bad feeling about the easily opened door but the look on Jared's face was so triumphant and determined that he immediately pushed his fears down deep. "We are so gonna talk about your stubborn streak," he threatened as he let Jared pull him onto his back securing his useless legs over his hips, as he had on the beach. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared's neck, wishing again that he could help in some way.

"You love my stubborn streak," Jared quipped as he straightened up and headed towards the door. They cautiously made their way along the hallway and down a small flight of stairs into another smaller hallway, closed doors on either side of them. Jared paused again cocking his head to one side, listening. An eerie silence seemed to surround them. "Seems like we need to go down again," Jared whispered craning his neck to look at Jensen.

Jensen nodded. "Some of these beach houses are on several levels. We need to go down until we get to the underground garage. Another couple of floors may be," he whispered back.

Jared nodded back. "Hey," he said as he moved along the hallway towards the stairs as soundlessly as he could. "How come you know so much about beach houses?"

"Always wanted to own one," Jensen murmured quietly. "Even had a deposit all saved up before... well before," he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

Jared's reply died on his tongue and he stopped in his tracks as a man appeared from around the corner, revolver in his hand. The man sneered. "And just where the hell do you think you two are going?" he snarled. He shook his head tutting and waving the gun at them. "My man Ev thinks that you wanna stay with him. Thinks you love him," he gave a shrug. "Guess he was wrong. He's gonna be so disappointed." He chuckled harshly. "Poor old Ev."

Jared tightened his hold on Jensen as the man advanced on them. He could feel Jensen's heart thudding against his back. It made him feel slightly better that Jensen seemed frightened too. Jared felt so helpless and defenceless, and cursed himself wishing that he had listened to Jensen and left the older man behind. At least, then, he would have been safe until Jared could get help. He bit at his lips willing away his angry tears at his stupidity.

The man circled them twice before coming to a standstill in front of Jared. He trailed his eyes up and down the younger man before balancing the gun on Jared's shoulder, leaning into Jared's personal space. Jared could feel the cold steel of the gun through his shirt, could feel the man's breath on his skin and he couldn't help shuddering. The man smirked in triumph and ran the tip of the barrel up and down Jared's face. "Kinda pretty," he laughed again enjoying Jared's obvious distress. Jared couldn't help the small whimper escaping as the man continued to stroke the gun up and down his face.

"Leave him alone," Jensen snapped, finally finding his voice. He couldn't bear to hear and feel Jared so terrified. "Just get your filthy hands off him."

"Or what?" the man snarled, turning his attention to Jensen. He quirked an eyebrow at Jensen. "Evan may think you can walk... but I know," he winked as he tapped the gun against one of Jensen's legs. "That you're just a dumb ass cripple," he leaned close to Jensen's ear. "Bet you can't get it up either. And I wager that you pee into a bag too," he baited cruelly with a harsh barking laugh. He stepped away. "So excuse me if Ben Kemp aint afraid of useless and pathetic threats from a worthless nothing who can't even stand on his own two feet."

Jensen stared at the man, his vile words ringing in his ears. He bit at his lips fighting the urge to let the tears come, determined not to give the man the satisfaction of seeing him affected by the words. Instead, he glared tightening his hold of Jared, feeling the anger thrumming through the younger man's whole body. "No," he whispered to no avail as Jared moved forwards.

"You bastard," Jared shouted as he moved forwards, not hearing Jensen's plea, only Kemp's cruel words. Words that he knew would hurt Jensen. He didn't know what he was going to do, Jared just wanted to shield Jensen from the man's cruelty. No-one called Jensen a useless and pathetic cripple. In a moment of blind fury, Jared even forgot that he was carrying Jensen on his back. The pain in the side of his head caught him by surprise and he cried out, his vision suddenly going blurry. Jared staggered slightly.

"You don't get to bad mouth me boy," Kemp growled as he struck Jared on the side of the head again. He laughed loudly as he watched Jared lurch towards the wall.

Jared stumbled and he instinctively let go of Jensen with one hand desperately trying to brace them both against the wall. He felt Jensen's leg drop down against his side. Jared fought against the dizziness as he felt his knees start to buckle without his permission. "No," he blinked blood out of his eyes as his vision, still blurry, started to fade to darkness. Jared struggled to prevent Jensen falling with him, without success. He vaguely felt them crash to the floor in a tangle of arms and legs, vaguely heard Jensen cry out as he landed on top of him. "Jensen," Jared whimpered as he finally succumbed to the darkness engulfing him.


	8. Past and Future Colliding

**Half an hour later.....**

In the background, just outside his consciousness, Jared could hear raised voices, full of anger and bitterness. His head hurt and it felt like it was full of cotton wool and even though he knew his eyes were closed, Jared was aware of bright flashing coloured stars exploding behind his eye lids. His whole body ached and he could taste the coppery tang of blood in his mouth. He struggled upwards, through the cotton wool feeling, towards the voices finally managing to coax his eyes open. Jared blinked against the bright light immediately closing his eyes again, his stomach rolling and the pain in his head stabbing sharp and unrelenting. He took a couple of deep calming breaths and cautiously opened his eyes again, immediately realising, to his chagrin, that they were still captives and while unconscious he had been tied securely to a chair. His ankles were bound to the legs of the chair and his arms tied behind his back and that of the chair.

He gave an exploratory tug on the ropes to no avail. The ropes were tight ruthlessly digging into his bare wrists and his ankles. His arms and legs tingled moving from spiking pain to complete numbness. Ignoring the weird sensations, Jared abandoned his attempts to escape for a moment quickly looking around the room before anyone noticed that he was conscious.

They were in the large airy and comfortably furnished living room. Again the room had a female quality to the decoration with throws and cushions scattered on the chairs and couch. The walls were pale in colour and plain accentuating the size of the room. Jared squinted against the bright sunlight. Through the large ceiling to floor window, beyond the decking area, he could see the blueness of the ocean and sky. He moved his head slowly to the right. Kemp was leaning against a wall, idly turning his revolver over and over in his hand. Jared tilted his head to the left. Evan was standing over Jensen who was on the couch. Jensen was only a few feet away from him but it could have been a hundred miles away for all the use Jared could be. He felt totally helpless and wiggled his arms and hands again. Determined and biting his lips against the pain of the rope cutting into his wrists, Jared stretched out his fingers, searching. Finally finding the knots, he started to fumble with them, desperately wanting to get free. Wanting to get to Jensen. All the time, Jared kept his eyes on Kemp and Evan as he worked frantically on the knots.

Kemp suddenly turned and stared at Jared. "Look who's awake," he said with a grin. Jared immediately stopped his fumbling with the knots and glared back at Kemp. "Looks like pretty boy decided to join the party," Kemp chuckled nastily.

Evan turned on him, studying him for a moment. Jared swallowed hard under the intense scrutiny. His heart pounded in his chest and he could feel the sweat running down the back of his neck but tried not to flinch or look away. Ruggedly handsome on the outside, Evan could easily be mistaken for having a charming and warm personality but Jared now knew better. Behind the good looks, an easy fake smile and a soft voice he was, in truth, dark and evil with danger and viciousness seemingly oozing from every pore. Where Jensen's green eyes held a warmth and a certain kind of passion, Evan's were cold, emotionless and cruel. The icy blueness bore deep into Jared's soul and he couldn't help a shudder wracking his body. "Well Mr Assistant," Evan said smoothly, moving towards Jared. "Seems that there's more to you than meets the eye." Jared remained silent tracking Evan's every move as he circled around him. "You're lucky that Benny here," he nodded his head towards Kemp. "Was feeling unusually benevolent and just knocked you out."

"I'm all heart," Kemp bared his teeth into a smile. He twirled the gun in his hand again. Kemp pointed the gun and mimicked shooting Jared. "Bang. Bang," he mouthed grinning again.

Evan leaned down close to Jared. "Benny here killed his entire family. Just for talking back to him," he explained. "Lucky for you that he's grown soft in his old age or you'd be stone cold dead," Evan whispered so Kemp couldn't hear him.

Jared remained silent, holding Evan's glare defiantly. His heart still thudded in his chest and his mouth was still dry, but something inside of him made Jared determined not to show fear to this man. "Lucky for me," he croaked.

Jensen was relieved to see that Jared was finally conscious and he blew out a shaky breath. Despite the fact that Jensen was in agony, his only thoughts were for Jared not himself. He was trying desperately to ignore the sharp jabbing pains that ran up and down his back, threatening to take his breath away with their severity. He wondered idly if he was feeling the same pain below his waist but dismissed the thought almost immediately, concentrating his efforts back towards Jared.

The last half an hour had been horrendous, and Jensen had a feeling he would be reliving every minute in his nightmares. Once he had been dumped on the couch by Kemp, Jensen had been forced to sit and watch as an unconscious Jared had been dragged into the room and tied to the chair. He had felt totally helpless and had silently cursed his paralysed body over and over in his head until he had felt sick and dizzy. Jared needed him and he couldn't do anything except sit and watch. Jensen had even wondered, in a moment of self-loathing at his useless body, if Jared would hate him for not being able to help, hate him for his weakness but had forced the thought out of his head. Evan had then spent twenty minutes talking and shouting at him but Jensen hadn't heard one word, his thoughts filled only with anxiety for Jared and an inner terror that Evan would just kill the younger man, out of some kind of twisted retribution for their escape attempt.

Jensen dragged his thoughts back to the present. He could see that blood had dried on Jared's face and he looked pale and terrified but otherwise seemed unharmed. Evan had his back to him and Jensen managed to catch Jared's eye and gave a small reassuring smile. Jared didn't move or look directly at him because Evan was standing in front of him, but Jensen could see, in his eyes, that he had seen Jensen's smile. It was all that he needed - perhaps Jared wouldn't hate him. Jensen needed to get Jared out of there and he hoped that he could use Evan's obsession with him to do it. He took a deep breath. "Leave him alone," Jensen pleaded. "Please Evan."

Evan spun around and glared at him. "You shut your mouth," he commanded pointing his finger at Jensen, his tone indicating that he wouldn't tolerate any argument, a tone Jensen had heard many times in the past. A tone that was usually followed by a beating. Jensen glared at Evan deciding to keep quiet for the moment, even more determined to get Jared safely out of the house.

Evan ignored the glare and turned back to Jared. He was curious about the younger man and his obvious importance to Jensen. He had his suspicions but stubbornly refused to entertain them. He pushed them down deep inside concentrating instead on his anger. Anger and disappointment that Jensen had been trying to escape. He hadn't wanted to believe it, and had to be dragged upstairs by Kemp to find Jensen laying under his unconscious so-called assistant.

Evan growled silently in the back of his throat. Nobody but him touched Jensen. Jensen loved him - Evan knew he did. He knew that Jensen wanted to be with him forever. In prison, Evan had spent the long empty hours dreaming and planning the life they were going to have. The thought had kept him strong when he had been compelled to forge alliances with men like Kemp. Men who were insignificant and could be cast aside when he was finished with them, men who disgusted and repulsed him but it had been necessary to secure his escape. He needed to get back to Jensen. He and Jensen belonged with each other. Evan was convinced and felt it deep inside; it seared his soul like a brand. Jensen belonged to him and no-one was going to stop him taking what was rightfully his.

Kemp gave a throaty laugh and moved to sit on the arm of the chair, next to Jensen. He studied his gun for a moment before rubbing it against Jensen's face knowing how possessive Evan was about this man and wanting to torment him, for fun. He grinned enjoying himself. Jensen flinched away from the touch scowling up at the man. Kemp ignored him continuing to trace a path up and down Jensen's cheek with the gun, watching for Evan's reaction. "Hey Ev. What do you think pretty boy over there's worth?" he asked in an effort to get Evan to look at him. Kemp smirked at the look on Evan's face. It encouraged him to continue to lazily rub the barrel of the gun up and down Jensen's face. Jensen tried to pull away from the touch, but felt trapped as Kemp tugged him back within reach.

"Not much," Evan shrugged as he circled Jared once more. Kemp was only interested in the money he had been promised. Evan grinned to himself wondering what reaction he would get if Kemp knew there was no money. He narrowed his eyes at Kemp knowing that the other man was taunting him with touching Jensen, even though he was only using his gun. Evan wasn't going to play the other man's sick game and resisted the temptation to rush over and slap away his hand and gun. Kemp, he would punish later. "And it's Evan. How many times have I got to tell you," he snarled at Kemp.

Kemp smirked in triumph . "Let's get the money and split," he suggested. "Jack and Kenny have already taken off. Gonna meet up with them in San Antonio to give them their share. And then the world is our oyster."

"Later," Evan dismissed with a wave of his hand. "We've got plenty of time."

Kemp frowned slightly. "You're the boss," he reluctantly agreed.

"Yeah," Evan said. "Yeah I am. And don't you forget it." He turned his attention back to Jared, studying the young man closely. There was just something about him, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Evan looked towards Jensen and then back to Jared. He tilted his head to one side, lost in his thoughts for a moment, his initial suspicions surfacing again growing larger and larger as he silently contemplated Jared and Jensen. His suspicions grew coiling in the pit of his stomach as intuition knifed him with a stark reality that he had previously dismissed.

Evan glanced sideways at Jensen again, could see the look of panic and terror reflected in the greenness staring up at him and just at the edge a fleeting expression of love which Jensen managed to hide almost immediately. But the love wasn't directed at him. Evan frowned. He turned staring down at Jared seeing an almost an identical expression reflected in the younger man's eyes but not as well hidden. Evan frowned again knowing without a doubt that Jensen loved this man and vice versa. The realisation hit him hard, insane jealousy consuming him and mixing with the white hot rage that had begun to surge through his veins. Jensen would pay for his betrayal. Evan narrowed his eyes at Jared again, his decision made. Jared was going to die and Jensen was going to watch, of that he was certain. Perhaps then, Jensen would learn his lesson and know, once and for all, just who he belonged to. Evan smirked to himself, his mind turning and spinning, planning Jared's painful demise.

"Evan," Jensen decided to try again, even though he had an awful sinking feeling in his stomach that Evan sensed what Jared meant to him, knew that he loved Jared. He was sure that he had seen Evan's expression darken, the rage barely concealed behind his emotionless eyes. Desperation was beginning to gnaw at him and Jensen could feel his panic slowly rising. "You don't need Jared. Just let him go," Jensen couldn't mask the pleading in his tone. "Please Evan."

Evan heard the pleading in Jensen's tone, swore that he could hear the worry and anxiety, even the love, for the younger man, and he felt his rage building to an uncontrollable crescendo. Evan hated the truth. Hated that he now knew the truth. Hated that he had been forced to acknowledge it. Jensen didn't love him and Jensen not loving him wasn't part of his plans for the future.

The rage within him continued to bubble white hot, just under the surface. Evan turned on Jensen as he let the fury take control of him. He straightened up to his full height, flexing his shoulders as he luxuriated in the familiar feeling, enjoying the sensation of his fury pulse hotly through his veins. Without warning, Evan moved across the room and back-handed Jensen hard across the face. "I said shut your damn mouth," he snarled, a satisfied smirk crossing his face as Jensen cried out in shock and pain, the blow jolting his already aching body.

Kemp jumped up from his perch on the couch's arm and backed away, standing to the side eyeing Evan with narrowed and cautious eyes. He knew that Evan was unstable but hadn't planned on him flipping out before they received the money they were due. He could see that Evan was filled with wild barely controlled fury, could see murder reflected in the icy blue eyes. Kemp backed away even more, firmly gripping his gun in a now sweaty hand.

Evan slapped Jensen again revelling in the feeling of power, the feeling of Jensen shrinking back from him in fear, his hands and arms raised in defence. This was how it was meant to be - Jensen knowing his place, cowering in terror, doing what he wanted. Love didn't figure at all for Evan. Yes, he wanted Jensen to love him, but ultimately possession and control over the other man gave Evan what he needed, what he craved. Evan raised his hand, smirking again, as Jensen closed his eyes against the punch he knew was coming. Not wanting to disappoint, Evan hit Jensen hard again. Jensen couldn't help crying out in pain again as Evan's fist connected with his already bruised cheek, the second hit splitting his lip. Jensen raised his hands turning his head away desperately trying to protect himself from the blows and slaps Evan continued to rain down upon his face, his arms, his upper body.

"Stop it," Jared shouted struggling again with his ropes. "You bastard. Just leave him alone. Haven't you hurt him enough?" he yelled trying desperately to distract Evan from hitting Jensen.

"He needs to learn," Evan barked turning on Jared again and glaring. "Needs to learn who exactly is in charge. Who he belongs to," he turned on Jensen and scowled. He raised his hand again barking out a harsh laugh as Jensen recoiled from the expected blow. "See," Evan turned and glared at Jared as he lowered his hand. "He's learning already. He belongs to me. Now and always."

Jensen couldn't help himself, deciding that he wasn't going to be afraid of Evan any more, even though terror coursed through his body. "No," he whispered shaking his head, his expression full of defiance and contempt.

Evan snorted in derision as he spun around and back-handed Jensen again. Jensen stared up at Evan, holding the older man's gaze, as he wiped the blood from his lips. "No," Jensen repeated as he jutted his chin out in challenge. "Hit me all you want but I still won't  belong to you."

Evan frowned at Jensen's behaviour. The frown turned into a grin, his eyes showing no emotion, as he moved towards Jared, drawing a gun from the back of his pants. "You want him to be free?" he asked Jensen narrowing his eyes.

Jensen looked up at Evan, licking again at his bloodied lip, eyeing the gun in Evan's hand. Looked at the man who had taken everything away from him. His courage and confidence in himself. His self-respect. His love. His legs. His whole life. Evan had taken everything from him and hadn't cared at all. Jensen turned his head slightly looking at the man who had given him everything and asked for nothing in return. Looked at the man who had given him back his life. Had given him back his courage and confidence. His self-respect. Had given him back love and hope. "Just let him go," Jensen repeated. "I'll do anything. Go with you. Be with you. If that's what you want. Just let him go," he whispered.

"No," Jared screamed in horror at Jensen's words. He struggled against the ropes again. "Jensen. No," he repeated.

"Guess I win," Evan cackled nastily pointing the gun at Jared. He leaned down and easily untied the ropes binding Jared to the chair. The feeling rushed back to Jared's hands and feet and he groaned in pain. Not giving Jared a chance to recover, Evan pushed him onto his knees pressing the gun to the back of his head. His eyes glinted in amusement as he stared at Jensen. "If you don't want me to put a bullet in his pretty head right now," Evan said evenly pressing the gun harder into the back of Jared's head. "Get up and come over here. Prove that you love me and only me."

Jensen shook his head slightly. "I can't," he said softly, defeated.

"Oh baby.... but I think you can," Evan quirked an eyebrow at Jensen. "I know the lies you've been telling everyone. The lies that Beaver made you tell everyone. But I forgive you baby," he said. "I know you can walk. I know you can," he snapped angrily. "I'm waiting baby," Evan nodded his head at Jensen.

"You know I can't," Jensen repeated.

"You can and you will," Evan ordered. "I'll kill him now," he threatened, his eyes flashing with a hysterical madness.

"Please," Jensen begged swiping at the tears that threatened to fall. He wanted to save Jared but now his useless body was going to be responsible for the younger man's death. He sensed, and knew deep down with a sickening certainty, that Evan would carry out his threat to kill Jared. Jensen looked Evan up and down and he felt a sudden sadness wash over him. Evan was no longer the handsome and charming FBI agent who had flirted and romanced him in the beginning. No longer the man who had upheld the Law and protected the innocent. Somewhere along the road, Evan had crossed the line mutating into the kind of man they both had pursued in their careers, a heartless criminal and cold-blooded killer who cared for no man. "Please let him go," Jensen choked as a lone tear fell down his face unchecked.

"You never cried for me," Evan accused, narrowing his eyes.

"Please Evan," Jensen swiped at the tears, angry at himself for showing even more weakness to this man.

"Don't make me ask again," Evan growled as he swiped Jared's head with the butt of the gun. Jared gasped in pain, the blow making his head snap to one side. Another thin trail of blood started to run down Jared's pale face. "Show me that it was all lies."

"Evan," Kemp risked interrupting. "Let's just get the money and split. He aint worth it. Neither of them are. Come on man." Evan ignored Kemp and continued to stare at Jensen.

Jensen stared at Evan for a moment before turning towards Kemp. "I doubt there's any money," he said. "He's just been using you. Like he uses everyone. And when he's finished with you, he'll just throw you away. Like you mean nothing."

"What does he mean... no money," Kemp interrupted again glaring at Evan. He took a step closer to Jensen. "You said there would be money. Lots of money if we helped you out with this. Got your damn boyfriend for you," he waved his free hand at Jensen, stepping even closer. "And man we've kept up our side of the bargain. Now it's time for you to come up with the goods."

"You'll get what's coming to you," Evan retorted angrily.

"When?" Kemp persisted grabbing at Jensen's arm. White hot agony lanced through Jensen's upper back at the sudden movement and he couldn't help uttering a small pained whimper. Kemp ignored the whimper and gripped Jensen even tighter knowing that if he held onto the man, it would give him the upper hand over Evan. He squeezed Jensen's arm again. Jensen bit at his lip trying to wish away the pain.

"When I say," Evan snarled. He ignored Kemp, ignored that he was touching Jensen. In his mind now, Jensen was a traitor, a betrayer. He deserved to die at his hands but first he was going to prove that Jensen was a liar. "I'm still waiting," he cocked his head to one side, staring expectantly at Jensen, waiting for an answer.

"I said when do we get our money?" Kemp shouted angrily, dropping Jensen's arm.

Evan raised his arm pointing the gun directly at Jensen. Jensen stared back silent and defiant. Surprised at the scorn in Jensen's glare, Evan managed to cover how it made him feel with a wide grin. He cocked the trigger, the gun still aimed directly at Jensen, who jutted his chin out again. Evan grinned again. He suddenly swung his arm to the side and pulled the trigger. "How about now?" he said smoothly. The sound of the gun's retort echoed into the silence and time seemed to stand still.

Kemp looked surprised as the bullet hit him square in the centre of his chest. Blood bubbled up from the hole in his chest, staining his shirt bright red. Kemp grunted in pain and turned slightly looking down at his chest with a shocked expression, then up at Evan as his hands automatically reached up to staunch the blood flow. His fingers bloodied quickly and he let out a gurgling sound as blood began to fill his lungs. With a cold smile, Evan fired again this time hitting Kemp in the centre of his forehead killing him instantly. Blood exploded from the exit wound in the back of Kemp's head splattering Jensen's face and torso. Kemp's body collapsed forward in slow motion, his gun sliding to one side as he hit the floor. Blood immediately started to pool under his body spreading outwards like a bright red lake.

Jared had been silently watching the events unfold and he couldn't help crying out in horror at what he had witnessed. Jared closed his eyes and then immediately opened them hoping that it was all a terrible nightmare. He watched tendrils of blood snake towards him in the creases of the plush carpet. Jared turned his head away from the sight and stared up at Jensen, who was covered in Kemp's blood. The older man sat on the couch eyes trained, in shock, on Evan, not attempting to wipe at the blood. He couldn't help himself and Jared eyes glanced sideways again staring transfixed at the pool of blood still spreading out from under Kemp. "Oh my God," he breathed looking up at Evan, who was grinning still, his eyes moving from Jared to Jensen gauging their reaction.

"Never did like the man," Evan admitted with a shrug. "Always worrying about money," he shrugged at he pushed Jared forwards onto all fours. He pressed the gun against the small of Jared's back and beamed at Jensen.

Jared closed his eyes against the sight in front of him. Evan shoving him forwards had positioned him very close to Kemp's dead body. The coppery tang of blood assailed his nostrils. Jared swallowed hard; it felt like he was tasting the blood in his own mouth, making him feel sick to his stomach. He swallowed hard again. "Please," he whispered to himself. "Somebody help us. Please."

"Now where were we?" Evan asked Jensen.

Jensen ignored the blood that was splattered all over his face and clothes. He couldn't help the small shudders that flowed through his body. Despite the heat he was cold, the pain in his back was worsening and his left hand had begun to tingle. Jensen clenched his hand into a fist, opening and closing it, in an attempt to rid himself of the numbness he felt in his fingers. Jensen looked up at Evan, eyes still wide with shock. "Evan. You were an FBI agent. A damn good one. You upheld the law," he said, a tone of sadness tinging his voice.

"That was no fun. A career for fools and the high and mighty," Evan dismissed his career as unimportant. "My life now is so much better. Much more me," he said simply.

"Evan," Jensen started to say.

"You shut your mouth. Now. I don't listen to you. Ever," Evan screamed. "Now you get your skinny ass over here now. Or he dies. You know I'll do it," he nodded towards Kemp's body.

"Please," Jensen begged. "Don't do this. I do what you want. Anything. Just let him go."

"You love me. Not him," Evan yelled, desperate to get Jensen to admit his love even though he knew it was a vain hope. Jensen didn't love him, his mind kept taunting him, over and over. "No," he told himself firmly. Jensen was his. His to kill. Evan pushed the gun harder into Jared's back. "Now get over here and prove it to me."

Jared remained silent, too terrified to move or speak. He knew, without a doubt, this man was going to kill him and then probably Jensen. Jared looked up at Jensen. "I love you," he mouthed, desperate for the older man to know, desperate to tell him before Evan killed him.

"He hasn't done anything to you," Jensen reasoned as calmly as he could. He watched as Evan pressed the gun even harder into Jared's back, watched as Jared grunted in pain, saw the look of absolute terror on Jared's face but also saw the words the younger man mouthed to him. Drawing every ounce of strength he possessed, Jensen took a deep breath. He knew it was risky but he had to tell Jared how much he meant to him. "I love you too Jared," he said out loud, putting everything he felt for Jared into his expression.

"No," Evan screamed. "You love me. Not this pathetic nothing," he jabbed the gun against Jared's back again. Despite his fear, Jared smiled up at Jensen trying to ignore the sensation of the gun on his back. Jensen loved him and that was all that was important to him at the moment. Nothing else mattered.

"No," Jensen glared at Evan. He was desperate to distract Evan's attention away from Jared and shooting him. "I don't love you. You took my life away," he bit at his lips. "I thought I loved you once. But I know now I didn't. And you sure as hell didn't love me. You beat the crap outta me. You shot me in the back," his green eyes blazed with hurt and anger. "And paralysed me .... for life," Jensen's voice wavered slightly. He could feel the threatened tears and took a deep breath.

"No," Evan screamed. "You're lying. You were always a liar. You love me."

"No Evan. I hate you. Hate you for taking my life away. Hate myself for letting you take it away," Jensen choked.

"I said," Evan snarled icily, ignoring the vehemence in Jensen's voice. Inside warring emotions battled and filled him with even more hate and anger. Evan wanted Jensen to love him. But at the same time he wanted Jensen dead. To die at his hand. Jensen had betrayed him. Jensen was his and only his. "Get over here now. Or he dies," he cocked the trigger. The sound echoed around the room and Jared squirmed under the pressure of the gun against his back.

Jensen took a few calming breaths, never taking his eyes off Evan or Jared. Taking another deep breath, Jensen used his arms to pull himself off the couch. He landed on the floor with a huff of pain. He turned awkwardly onto his belly and started to drag himself, legs trailing uselessly behind him, towards Evan. The pain in his back was making him feel sick and the numbness in his hands was getting worse. His fingers, every now and again, scrabbled uselessly in the deep pile of the carpet but Jensen was determined and he grit his teeth slowly pulling himself across the floor.

"Get up," Evan barked. "Get up. Get up. Get up," he screamed hysterically.

Jensen looked up at him. "You wanted me to come to you," he argued. "This is the only way I can get to you. I can't walk. My legs are useless. You did this to me," he said bitterly. "You shot me in the back twice. Paralysed me forever."

"No," Evan denied, stubbornly choosing to ignore what Jensen was telling him. The truth hit him and Evan remembered in a fit of temper and anger shooting Jensen in the back, not once but twice. He also remembered the feelings it evoked. Feelings of power and domination. Jensen had threatened to leave, had dared to walk away from him. Jensen had deserved his punishment. He pointed the gun at Jensen, turning his attention away from Jared. "Tell me that you're lying and I'll let him go," he said kicking at Jared's legs. "I know that you're lying again. You're just a pathetic liar. You always were."

Jared grunted in pain but noticed that Evan's attention had turned away from him towards Jensen. He took a deep calming breath, determined to save Jensen and himself. This was his chance. Jared found the strength from somewhere and pushed himself upwards catching Evan off guard. Taking full advantage of the situation and channelling all his energy and anger, Jared made a desperate grab for Evan. Using his body as a fulcrum Jared, more from luck than judgement and expertise, somehow managed to throw the man over his shoulders. Jared then scrambled to his feet, desperate to get to Jensen.

Evan cried out in surprise and pain as he flew through the air hitting the wall hard. Simultaneously, Evan let go of his gun and it flew through the air discharging a round as his finger glanced across the trigger. The sound of the gun shot reverberated around the room and the bullet hit the ceiling showering Jared with pieces of plaster. The gun hit the floor with a dull thud, just by his feet. Without thinking, Jared snatched the weapon up. Evan groaned as he slipped down the wall staring at Jared stunned for a moment. He shook his head trying to clear his vision.

At that moment, and before Jared or Jensen could come to their senses, all hell broke loose. The large glass window exploded inwards, showering all three men with hundreds of tiny shards of glass. Instinctively, Jared threw his body over Jensen and keeping his own head down, he protected them both from the flying glass and debris raining down onto them.

As the dust settled, Jared shifted slightly and Jensen managed to look upwards, from under Jared, to see Alex appear through the jagged hole in the window. Protective flack jacket on, Alex crouched low, his gun covering the whole of the room, eyes darting around taking in the situation. Men in dark black uniforms and protective headgear clamoured behind Alex, waiting for his signal, automatic weapons held ready. In the background, Jensen could hear the sound of another door blow out and could just about hear the sound of heavy boots and the familiar sound of a team of men searching the house room by room, hallway by hallway. Jensen blew out a shaky breath. His relief was short-lived as he felt Jared slide off him and utter words in a tone he had never heard from the younger man before. Cold and unrelenting.

"Don't you dare move," Jared snarled. His hand wobbled slightly but he aimed the gun at Evan, his finger on the trigger.

Jensen pulled himself up into a sitting position. He waved a hand at Alex, the signal recognisable and immediately understood by his friend. Stand down. Alex nodded lowering his gun and signalling to the men behind him. Alex dropped his head slightly and spoke into the radio attached to his jacket instructing the team in the house not to enter the living room. He then took a step backwards to give Jensen room and the time he needed. "Jared," Jensen said. He could see that Jared was close to the edge, probably half way already to shock, and knew only too well the terror that the young man felt inside. Jared was pale and trembling, blood still running down his face. Fear was reflected in his eyes mixed with hate and loathing for the man sitting against the wall grinning up at him. "Jared," he repeated. "Look at me," Jensen instructed softly. Jared glanced at Jensen briefly then immediately looked back to Evan, concentrating all his efforts on the man grinning up at him. "Jared. Don't look at him. Look at me," Jensen said as calmly as he could, terrified that Jared would fall over the precipice he was teetering on and pull the trigger.

Jared reluctantly dragged his eyes away from Evan and looked at Jensen again but couldn't help himself as his eyes wandered back to the man he hated with every fibre in his being. An inner rage burned within him, churning in the pit of his stomach, threatening to overwhelm him with its intensity. Jared glared at Evan as he took a deep breath trying to control the wobble of his arm. The gun felt alien to him, heavy and cold in his hands, and he curled his fingers around the butt tightly, his eyes never leaving Evan, his finger never leaving the trigger.

Evan barked out a harsh laugh. He eyed the gun and Jared supremely confident that the younger man wouldn't have the courage to shoot him in cold blood. He glanced towards Jensen and smirked. He could see the pure look of panic and worry in his eyes for the younger man. Evan smirked again, gleeful. He was still in charge, still in control even though a gun was being pointed at him. "He won't do it," he baited. "I can see it in his eyes. He's too soft. He's just like you Jensen baby. A rotten pathetic coward."

"Don't," Jared growled. "Don't you talk to him like that." The gun wavered in his hand and Jared swiped at his forehead and the sweat pooling there.

"Jared," Jensen said. "Put the gun down and we'll work it out together. OK?"

"He's a monster," Jared choked. "He's gonna pay for what he did to you."

"No," Jensen raised his voice slightly. "Don't do this Jared. Don't let him ruin your life. Our life. The one we have planned. He destroyed my life,"

"He deserves to pay," Jared yelled, taking a step closer to Evan.

"Yes he does," Jensen agreed. "But not this way. Not like this. Don't let him destroy your life. He destroyed mine but you..... you Jared gave it back to me. Please," he begged desperate to stop Jared doing something he would regret for the rest of his life. Jensen was getting desperate. Jared didn't seem to be listening to him, just staring at Evan, a look of pure hate reflected in his eyes. Jensen understood, only too well, how Jared was feeling. Evan had destroyed his life and he wondered whether his hatred could ever motivate him to shoot the man in cold blood. Deep down, buried under the fury and self-pity, Jensen knew the answer. He was tired of hating and grieving for the life he had lost. Jensen just wanted to love, and live his life as best he could. Evan Bennet may have ruined his life but Jensen was determined that he wasn't ruining Jared's life. He needed Jared in his life. Jared needed him in his life. "Jared," Jensen snapped in an effort to get the younger man's attention. "Look at me. Not him. Just concentrate on my voice. Jared. You damn well listen to me."

Jared turned his head slightly gazing at Jensen. "I can't," he choked, tears running down his face.

"Yes you can," Jensen persisted firmly. The pain in his back hadn't abated and now it had been joined with a tightness in his chest that was beginning to make breathing difficult. Jensen huffed out a breath, determined that his stupid body wasn't going to let him down now. Jared needed him.

"I don't know what to do," Jared sobbed, clutching the gun even tighter. He felt completely out of control. Felt like he could put a bullet in Evan's head and not care, but in reality Jared knew that he probably wouldn't be able to bring himself to shoot the man. He just wanted to do something, anything to avenge Jensen in some small way. The gun felt heavy in his hand and he couldn't seem to let go of the cold steel.

"Just put the gun down," Jensen persuaded. "And let Alex do his job. OK?"

Jared glanced sideways at Alex, who was standing just outside the room. Alex gave Jared a reassuring smile and small nod. "Listen to Jensen, man," he encouraged.

"I have to do something.... for you," Jared whimpered.

"No. No you don't," Jensen shuffled himself forwards slightly. "I don't want you to. The only thing you have to do is be you. That's all. Stubborn candy eating Jared. The Jared who talks too much. The Jared who kicks my ass for being grumpy all the time. That's all I want," he assured. "That's all I'll ever want and need."

Jared bit at his lips. He glanced down at Jensen. Kind and warm eyes met his own. Eyes filled with love for him and him alone stared up at him, pleading with him. The expression on Jensen's face immediately diffused the fury he felt inside replacing it with a warm glow. Jared felt loved and secure, something he hadn't really felt since his grandfather had died. Jensen loved him. Jensen needed him. Needed him to be strong and level-headed. He couldn't help himself, though, and glanced back towards Evan.

Evan smirked up at Jared. "Coward," he mouthed with another smirk.

Something in Jared snapped. "I'm not a coward. And neither is Jensen. He's the bravest and most beautiful person that I have ever met in my life. You didn't know what you had. You were too busy beating the hell outta him," he yelled angrily as he aimed the gun and pulled the trigger. The action caught Jared by surprise and his arm jerked back and slightly upwards as the gun discharged. The bullet hit the wall just above Evan's head showering the now cowering man with white plaster. Evan had paled, his smug self-confidence wavering as he curled himself into a ball in case the younger man shot at him again.

The loud retort of the gun jolted Jared out of his anger-induced reaction. "Oh God," he stared down at the gun, stared down at his hand as though it didn't belong to him. Tears sprung to his eyes and he loosened his fingers one by one dropping the gun to the floor and turned towards Jensen, tears running down his face unchecked. Jared dropped to his knees. "Jensen," he whimpered leaning towards the older man.

The moment Jared dropped the gun, Alex sprung into action entering the room with a shout to his men to follow. He dragged Evan roughly to his feet and slammed him face-first against the wall. "Assume the position," Alex snapped pulling Evan's arms behind him and securing hand-cuffs around his wrists. "You OK?" he turned to Jensen.

"Yeah," Jensen croaked. Alex quirked an eyebrow at him and Jensen looked down at his blood splattered clothes. "It's not mine," he assured giving a small nod towards Kemp's body laying on the floor.

Alex let out the breath he was holding and turned to one of his men. "Go find the paramedics and get them in here now," he barked out an order. "I want these two men on their way to the hospital in five minutes," Alex said, putting his hand up to stop the objection he knew was coming from Jensen.

"But....," Jensen started to protest.

"Jensen," Alex interrupted. "You're going. No bitching. If not for me or yourself. Go for Jared," he nodded his head in the direction of a sobbing Jared. "OK?" Alex waved his officer away to search for the paramedics.

"OK," Jensen nodded with a defeated sigh.

Alex nodded before pulling Evan away from the wall. "And you," he snarled in Evan's ear. "Are gonna be locked up for a very long time."

"He tried to kill me.  He shot at me," Evan whined. "You should be arresting him," he waved a hand at Jared.

"Yeah. Yeah," Alex roughly dragged Evan from the room. "Tell it to the Judge."

Jensen ignored everything and everyone around him, zoning out the noise and hustle, instead concentrating all his efforts and attention on Jared. He pulled a sobbing Jared into his arms. Jensen started to run his hands up and down Jared's back. "Sssssh," he soothed the younger man. "It's OK. I'm here. It's OK," he whispered softly. Jensen was still in pain, his back and chest hurt and one hand was completely numb but all that mattered to him was that Jared was safe in his arms.


	9. Epilogue - Running Towards the Future

**Four months later..........**

**Jared**

Jared looked down watching as the small breakers washed over his feet. His feet sunk into the wet sand and he wiggled his toes revelling in the feel of the cool water over his heated skin. The sound of the ocean filled his ears and he smiled to himself.

Jared felt at peace with his life for the first time since his grandfather had died. He belonged again and he was loved. The feeling warmed him from the inside and he glanced over his shoulder at the house, their new home. The beach house Jensen had always dreamed of owning was now their home, his name signed alongside Jensen's on the paperwork. Jared had tried to protest not able to offer any money towards the purchase but in the end, after a long argument where they had shouted and tried to out stubborn each other, Jensen had gotten his way.

It had seemed a little strange to buy a beach house after what had happened, but they had decided together that, despite the recent events with Evan, it wouldn't stop them from living the life they wanted, the life and future they both wanted so desperately. Signing for the beach house had been their first steps towards healing, the first steps towards the future, a future with both their names on it.

Once they had found a house they both liked, Jensen had sold his father's house as well as the apartment he still owned, the two sales leaving them with no mortgage to worry about. Jared gazed up at the house. They had moved in a month ago and already he loved it, their dream home together. It was a modest two-storey building with a small fenced garden area which was slightly overgrown with tall grasses and unruly looking shrubs. A small gate led straight up onto small sand dunes which sloped down towards the main beach area. Jared was already working on constructing a wooden board-walk so Jensen would find it easy to manoeuvre his wheelchair and enjoy the beach.

Jared looked up again, not quite able to believe that he owned half of the house. Their entire living area was located on the first floor, on one level, with all the hallways and rooms leading off from a large airy living room. The garage area was on the ground floor, and housed the Impala and Philip Ackles' truck, which now belonged to Jared, another gift from Jensen. Alongside the garage area were two large storage rooms and a room they planned to convert into a games room complete with its own pool table. A large covered decking area ran the whole length of the front of the house overlooking the garden area and the beach, with steps down to the ground floor at either end.

They loved the outside area and it had become as much a part of the house as any other room and in fact they tended to use it as an extension to the living room placing a table, comfortable chairs and even a small couch just outside the glass sliding door. They spent a lot of their time sitting out in the warm sunshine enjoying the view and each other's company. In a shady part of the decking area were large pots holding roses taken from Philip Ackles' beloved garden, the only memory that Jensen had brought with him. They had planted them together, and even planted a few new roses for themselves, for their future together. The house also had an small elevator that descended into the garage area. Jared had plans for a second elevator for the front of the house taking out one set of steps, but hadn't broached the subject with Jensen yet.

Jared turned back and stared out across the ocean again. Despite the heat, he hugged his arms around his body as his mind took him back three months when he had thought he was going to lose Jensen. Jared still couldn't help feeling ashamed of his behaviour. Ashamed that he had let his anger take him over; he had lost control but his actions afterwards were just as selfish when all he wanted was Jensen's comfort and love. He should have known that Jensen was hurting, should have recognised the signs. Jared loved Jensen so much it hurt, but because he had been wallowing in his own private pity party he hadn't seen the pain and distress the older man had been suffering. The guilt washed over him, eating at him, still making him feel sick inside. Jared hugged himself tighter as he wiggled his toes in the ocean again.

The sun was warm on his skin but Jared couldn't help shivering. His bruises had faded and his wrists only bore faint red scarring where the ropes had cut into his skin but his memories of that day were still vivid and clear in his mind. They replayed over and over in his head causing him terrible nightmares which were only just starting to fade. Jared could still feel the cold steel of the gun in his hand, remembered the cold fury he had felt inside, could still hear the retort of the gun as he pulled the trigger. He shuddered at the thought that he could have killed a man in cold blood, and he had vowed to himself that he would never again hold a gun. Jared looked down at the small waves breaking over his toes and in his mind's eye was still able to see Kemp's bloody body laying on the floor, could still see a blood splattered Jensen, could still feel the pressure of the gun against his back, and could still hear Evan's voice taunting and threatening both of them. Evan's cruel words echoed in his head, like a record that had become stuck, and he knew that the sight of Kemp's bloody body would probably stay with him forever.

Jared shivered again cursing himself silently knowing that no good would come from reliving every second of their terror but it was so hard to put the events behind him. Jared needed to forget, needed to move on with his life, their life. Jensen was his strength, was his reason for trying to force the memories to one side. Jensen's love for him made Jared strong making him want to climb mountains and shout it from every roof top, and he had a suspicion Jensen felt the same. Jensen's love was gentle, caring and protective and despite the limitations of their relationship, full of passion and fire. They were both stubborn and determined; it made for an interesting relationship but somehow their similarities and even their differences made them stronger, more committed to each other. Their love for each other seemed to be growing every day and they were beginning to lay down the foundations of a good life for themselves, a life devoid of loneliness and sadness, and instead a life filled with love and laughter.

Jared now worked full-time for the Agency as their computer expert and he loved it, and had even helped a client with a computer breach using one of Ash's programmes. He grinned as a stray good memory popped into his head - Jim teaching him how to hot wire a car filled his head. He had been excited and Jim patient and amused at his enthusiasm. Jensen had teased him for days about being a natural and that he should take up a new career as a car thief. Jared smiled again. Both Jim and Jensen wanted to make him a partner, but he had refused wanting to earn the position from his hard work. All three of them were stubborn, but he had won in the end. Jared would become a partner when he deserved it and only then.

Jared stared at the horizon distractedly as he allowed the memories to wash over him. After Alex had taken control of the situation, they had both been loaded into the same ambulance. Jared didn't really remember getting into the ambulance, but he did clearly remember refusing to let the paramedics carry Jensen. Instead he had cradled Jensen in his arms, gathering strength from his warm body and his calm voice encouraging and loving him. Later, Jared guessed that he was probably suffering from shock, as well as a mild concussion, extensive bruising and nasty abrasions to his wrists.

He had been jolted out of his trance five minutes into the journey when all hell had broken loose. Jensen had started to experience severe breathing difficulties, which left him fighting for every breath, rapidly escalating into unconsciousness and his skin turning an odd blueish colour. Jared had been pushed away and had to watch, in growing horror, as the paramedics battled to stabilise Jensen and get him breathing again. His panic had risen by knots when the sirens had been switched on and he had felt the speed of the vehicle increase as the driver barked information regarding Jensen's deteriorating condition into the onboard radio. Twenty minutes later, the ambulance had screeched into the hospital's parking bay and Jensen had been unloaded and rushed into the ER disappearing behind two swing doors.

Jared had stubbornly refused all treatment for himself ignoring all attempts by the ER staff to check out his injuries. No-one would tell him anything and he had been forced to spend a tearful panicked fifteen minutes waiting until Loretta arrived. Loretta had immediately taken charge and had then sat clutching at his hand while they waited for Jensen's neurologist, Dr James, to come and see them. Half an hour later, the doctor arrived to speak to them informing them that Jensen had been stabilised and was on his way up to surgery.

He had then sat with them both and patiently explained the situation. The second bullet in Jensen's back had moved due mainly to the trauma sustained that day from the kicks and jolts to his body and was causing him severe problems with sensory paralysis in his upper body, which included his lung function. Dr James had then proceeded to tell them that there was no alternative - the bullet had to come out and although the doctor would have preferred planned surgery over emergency surgery, he remained optimistic there would be no complications or additional paralysis. Jared had just sat and stared at the doctor, shocked and frightened that he was about to lose Jensen. Loretta had asked all the questions he couldn't force himself to ask and Jared had been grateful for her strong and calming presence. Loretta had then persuaded him to let the doctors treat him but he had refused to be admitted for observation. Loretta had then sat with him, in total silence, for the eight hours the surgery took. Jared vaguely remembered just sitting and staring at the door he knew Jensen was somewhere behind. His memories of the eight hours were still hazy and he was sure that Alex and Toby had turned up at some point, and he did remember drinking the coffee that had been pushed into his shaking hands.

Jared did remember, however, that Loretta had arranged for him to sit with Jensen once the older man had been settled in his own room. Remembered, with a startling clarity, how pale and sick Jensen looked. Remembered the whooshing sound of the ventilator as it breathed for Jensen, remembered the loud clicking and whirring sounds of the many machines monitoring Jensen's condition. Remembered the sight of the myriad of wires, tubes and iv drips attached to Jensen, running to and from the noisy machines. Remembered being too afraid to touch Jensen until the doctor had assured him that it was alright to do so. Jared had then clutched Jensen's hand in his own and whispered soothing words, his free hand running through Jensen's hair gently.

The days after the surgery had been tough on Jared. Jensen had been kept unconscious propped on his side to prevent pressure on the surgery site. Nursing staff had turned him every two hours and Jared had felt totally helpless. The ventilator had eventually been replaced by an oxygen mask but Jensen remained unconscious, deathly pale and ill. Jared couldn't be persuaded to leave, only taking minimal breaks when Loretta forced him away to eat, shower and change clothes. Even though Dr James had assured him that Jensen would make a full recovery, Jared couldn't bring himself to relax, terrified that Jensen would leave him. On the fifth day, Jensen had woken up smiling across at him, his eyes still glassy with pain and confusion. Jared had gently kissed his forehead, called the doctor and then locked himself in the bathroom and cried tears of relief.

A nasty urinary infection and a bout of pneumonia coupled with his post-operative recovery kept Jensen in hospital for over three weeks. His doctor had then ordered him to rest, at home, for at least another two months. Jensen hadn't been happy but he had reluctantly followed his doctor's instructions to the letter and gradually he had gained his strength and health again. He had only just started to do some Agency work from home again that week and Jared was making sure that he wasn't overdoing it.

Jared hadn't really thought much about how they had been found but had managed to remember to ask when Alex visited. It had been pure luck, Alex explained. Kemp's associates had been picked up in a routine police check and one of them had decided to deal for a more lenient sentence and had told Alex exactly where they could find Evan and his hostages. He had even described the exact layout of the house which had made it even easier for the police teams to mount a rescue operation. Jared hadn't asked about Evan, didn't really care what happened to the man, but Alex had told him anyway. Told him that Evan would be spending the rest of his life in prison. And even though he knew it was a terrible thing to wish for, Jared couldn't help hoping that Evan suffered just a little bit, going some way to compensate for all the pain and humiliation he had caused Jensen in the past.

Jared turned to look at the house again. He was happy and hoped that the nightmares would continue to fade. Jared smiled to himself, suddenly determined to put the past where it belonged, in the past. Jensen loved him. He loved Jensen. Jared was absolutely sure that together they would be able to lay the past to rest. He squinted against the sunlight; Jensen was up on the decking area and Jared waved. Jensen saw him and waved back. Jared had the sudden inexplicable urge to touch and kiss Jensen in an effort to remind himself that they were both still here, both still living and had survived the nightmare together. Grabbing his discarded flip-flops, Jared started to run up the beach towards the house. Towards Jensen and his future.

**Jensen**

Jensen grinned to himself as the waved back at Jared, watching as the younger man started to run up the beach towards the house. He looked healthy and tanned, his brown hair flopping, as usual, over his eyes. He was grinning and gave Jensen the occasional small wave with a hand full of his flip-flops. Bare-footed and dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, Jensen thought Jared was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid his eyes on, and he loved him with all his heart and soul. The sun behind him framed his tall figure, the light dancing across his skin accentuating the healthy-looking colour, his natural clumsiness seemingly forgotten for the moment, as he ran across the sand, sure-footed and powerful. Jensen couldn't help himself feeling the familiar stab of envy as he watched Jared's legs power across the sand but pushed the feeling down deep, chastising himself for his stupid jealousy.

Jensen was happy for the first time in a very long time. He had found the love of his life, had a beautiful new home, a successful business and good friends. And he had Jim to thank for a small part of his happiness but there was absolutely no way Jensen was ever going to admit it to the older man - he'd never live it down. But if it hadn't been for Jim's questionable hiring techniques, he would have never met Jared, never found love again. Jensen thought that Evan had destroyed all his faith in people, had destroyed love for him and had broken his heart into a million pieces. But Jared had walked into his life and changed everything. Taught him that love could be wonderful and warm, something to cherish. Taught him that love wasn't the painful and cold love Evan had offered him. Patiently and piece by piece, Jared had mended his heart, had given him back his faith in love.

Jensen wanted to run through the streets shouting out his love for Jared, wanted to scale up the side of tall buildings right to the top and then shout it out for everyone to hear. It was an impossible dream but the thought always made Jensen smile. Quite simply Jared had changed his life making him feel alive again, making him feel loved and secure. Jared, full of boundless energy and spirit, had breezed into his life bringing a new vibrancy, a new meaning, into his lonely self-imposed existence, and Jensen knew that he could finally put his past misery firmly where it belonged, in the past. Watching Jared run up the beach towards him grinning happily and waving made Jensen feel like he belonged. He had finally allowed the ice around his heart to melt and had given himself completely to Jared, his heart, his body, his soul. And in return, Jared had gifted him his heart, his soul, his body. Two had become one; they completed each other and Jensen knew he would never regret his decision to let Jared break down the defensive wall he had built around himself.

It was only on the occasional bad day when Jensen let his mind and the bad memories get the better of him and he couldn't help wondering if he was enough for the younger man, if his love was enough to overcome all the challenges to their relationship. Jensen knew that Jared loved him. He showed it every day in all the things he did but a little part of Jensen was still terrified that the younger man would leave him for someone more able, someone who could walk or run into his arms, someone who could participate fully in love making. Jensen enjoyed their intimacy and sensed that Jared did too, but it still didn't stop him being afraid that Jared may look elsewhere for a fuller sex life. He shook his head scolding himself for the thoughts. Jared loved him. He loved and trusted Jared. Jensen shivered at the thought of Jared leaving him and wondered if he had the courage to ask the younger man the question that had been bothering him for a while. He had to know but at the same time Jensen didn't want to know.

Jensen glanced down at his bare legs. Even though they were tanned in appearance, he had lost some muscle tone so they looked skinnier than normal. But other than that, nothing had changed. He still felt nothing below his waist. Nothing worked and Jensen now knew for certain that he would never walk again, would never feel anything in his lower body. He was condemned to sit in the chair for the rest of his life and look up at people and have them look down at him. Sentenced to pee through the catheter into a bag strapped to his leg and condemned to never enjoy the wonderful and intimate sensations of making love with Jared. Jensen could never help himself; it had become a habit he couldn't seem to break. He lifted his t-shirt and poked at his belly, then his groin area and finally pinched the skin of his thigh until he could see his nail marks, just in case some miracle had happened overnight and he could suddenly feel.

Jensen blew out a long sigh as he relaxed back into the wheelchair, the fingers of both hands skimming back and forwards over the top of the wheels. His doctors had told him, on several occasions, that there had always been a small chance that removal of the second bullet would result in a vast improvement to his paralysis, possibly even movement. Hope was a strange animal burying itself deep under heartache and misery, not quite letting dreams wither and die. Unconsciously, Jensen had allowed himself a tiny portion of hope, a hope that one day he would walk again. But it wasn't to be, his hopes dashed while he was in the hospital.

He had suffered through a barrage of tests, scan and x-rays only to be told finally and gently by Dr James that there was no chance of an improvement to his mobility, each bullet doing its fair share of irreparable damage to his spine. Jensen was paralysed for life; it was a bitter pill to swallow but one he knew secretly, despite the hope he carried around, had been inevitable. He knew realistically that the second bullet could have done a lot more damage, could have caused paralysis in his upper body. His doctor had called him lucky but sometimes Jensen didn't feel lucky and couldn't stop the yearning for his old life, the life where he could walk and run and make love properly. Even though he had, long ago, accepted the reality of his situation, Jensen had found himself crying for everything he had lost, everything he had wanted for his future. But this time he hadn't been alone. Jared had been right there, holding onto his hand, and had simply wrapped him up in his warm arms and held on tight while he sobbed, finally succumbing to an exhausted sleep an hour later still nestled in Jared's arms.

He had spent three weeks in the hospital. The second bullet was gone, his last chance for an improvement in his mobility gone. It would have been easy to slip into a deep depression but he didn't reckon on Jared and his love. Jared never left his side, sleeping on an uncomfortable looking cot at his side each night. Jared's love never faltered, even when he was being bad-tempered and mean. Jared's love eventually won out over his misery, encouraging Jensen to fight against the darkness that threatened to overwhelm him. His old life was gone but he had a new life to look forward to, one with Jared at his side.

It had been hard and Jensen admitted to himself that regaining his strength had been an uphill struggle. The bruises and abrasions had disappeared quite quickly, but a nasty urinary infection and a bout of pneumonia had left him feeling tired and drained. That coupled with the threatening depression, Jensen had been unusually teary and emotional and his appetite had suffered losing weight he could ill afford. The pain in his upper back from the operation to remove the bullet had been pure agony for a time and he had even found himself wishing for the relief of numbness. It had been a vicious circle and Jensen had feared he would never get out of the hospital, never get well again but after three long weeks, he had finally been discharged into Jared's care.

Being out of the hospital was a relief but it had still taken him two months to gain anything like his full health, but slowly Jensen was beginning to feel like himself again, even gaining weight and some muscle tone. Jared, Jim and Loretta hadn't allowed him to do any work, and this week had been the first time they had allowed him to even think about the Agency.

Jensen glanced at his abandoned laptop. The Agency was doing well and they had plans to open a new office in San Francisco. Jared and he were taking a trip in two weeks to recce the city for a suitable office as well as take some time for themselves because Jared was eager to see all the sights and had been excitedly researching on the internet what they should see. It would be their first vacation together and Jensen found himself looking forward to the trip, Jared's boyish enthusiasm rubbing off on him. Jared was now working for the Agency full-time as their computer expert and the Agency was even starting to take on a few cases involving hi-tech computerised theft. All in all, life was good after the nightmare that had been Evan.

Evan would always haunt him, would always feature in his nightmares. The pain and humiliation he had suffered at Evan's hands would probably remain with him forever, but Jensen was determined that he wasn't going to let the memories destroy him or his life. Both he and Jared had refused to see a therapist, deciding that, initially, they would try and go it alone. They had each other. It was all they really needed. Jim, Loretta and Alex had been unhappy with their decision but had reluctantly agreed in the end. Jared and he were a force to be reckoned with when they were both being stubborn. With Jared in his life, it was easy to be determined to put the past behind him and look to the future. Perhaps, they should both channel their stubbornness towards a future free of all bad memories, a future free of Evan. Jensen grinned to himself, deciding that it sounded like a plan to him.

Jensen turned his attention back to Jared watching as the younger man ran up the beach. Tall and rangy, Jared's skin was becoming nicely tanned with long days spent relaxing together on the decking area. But sometimes, Jensen would watch as Jared disappeared into himself and he knew that he was thinking about another day at another beach house. It had been difficult and they had both ended up in tears, but they had talked about Evan at length, talked over the events of that day, even talked about Jared, the gun and the younger man's fears. In a funny way, talking about it was good for them, a relief to unburden onto someone who understood, something a therapist would never be able to offer them, and it went a long way to laying the guilt and shame they both felt to rest. They both still suffered nightmares but found comfort and solace in each other's arms, soothing away the other's bad dream with gentle touches and soft words. They didn't need the therapist; together, they were forging ahead towards their future, putting Evan out of their lives. Hope bloomed, once again, within Jensen. Hope for a happy ending for both of them. Jensen smiled at the thought and looked up as Jared bounced onto the decking area, throwing his flip-flops to one side. "Hey," Jensen smiled.

"Love you," Jared leaned forwards kissing Jensen. Jensen felt warm, vital and alive. Jared sighed happily as he pulled back from the kiss.

"What was that for?" Jensen frowned slightly. "Not that I'm complaining. Just wondering."

Jared flopped into the chair next to Jensen. He tried, as much as possible, not to look down or stand over Jensen knowing that the older man hated it, although he never voiced his distress. Jared just sensed it. "Just because," he grinned widely, letting the warmth and love of their relationship wash over him.

"Freak," Jensen teased as he grabbed for Jared's hand and squeezed tightly. "My freak?" he asked, affectionately.

Jared waggled his eyes at Jensen. "Damn straight I am," he winked at Jensen.

Jensen rolled his eyes but smiled back. They sat is companionable silence for a few moments. "Jared?" Jensen finally broke the silence knowing that he had to ask the question before he lost his courage. "Are you sure you wanna stay with me?" he asked softly, his voice wavering slightly. "I know we have all this and I love it. I really do," Jensen waved his hand in the air, indicating their house. "But I just... well you know.... I can't... well I'll never walk again," Jensen's voice wavered again as he nodded towards his legs. "And the sex isn't perfect. I can't get it... it...," he blushed bright red, not able to finish the sentence. "And I'd understand. Well I wouldn't....it would hurt like hell but you deserve a proper life. So I just ... just thought I should ask," Jensen babbled. He looked away, not brave enough to look at Jared's face and expression.

Jared glanced at Jensen raising his eyebrows, equally confused and amused by Jensen's uncharacteristic nervous babbling. He could clearly see the anxiety and fear reflected in Jensen's eyes but he could also see love and a hint of hope. Jared knew he should probably be hurt by the question but strangely he wasn't upset or angry with Jensen. In fact, he had been half-expecting the question to come up for a long time and had sensed that Jensen would eventually find the courage to ask.

Jared knew the answer, had probably known the answer since the first day when they had met in Jensen's office. He took a deep breath knowing that his next few words were important, probably the most important words he had ever spoken, probably would ever speak. "Jensen," he said as calmly as he could manage. He leant over and drew Jensen's face around so they were looking at each other. Jensen tried to look away but Jared held onto his chin, never breaking eye contact. "Jensen. You don't have to be up on your feet to walk tall. You walk tall every single damn day. You're smart and funny. Really bad tempered sometimes. And you cheat at cards and pool," Jared teased lightly as he ran a finger gently up Jensen's face.

"Do not," Jensen pouted. "You're just a crap player."

Jared chuckled lightly before becoming serious again. "Jensen. Making love with you is wonderful. It's great. I thought you knew that," Jared frowned slightly, dropping his hand to clutch one of Jensen's. "But that's not what is important. What's important is being with you. Just you and me. That's the most important thing in the world to me."

"I just don't want.... want you to regret being with me," Jensen said softly. "I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy."

"I am happy," Jared stated firmly. "And you deserve to be happy too Jensen. We both do. It's our turn."

"You make me happy," Jensen admitted softly with another blush.

"And you make me happy," Jared said, squeezing Jensen's hand lightly.

"I just... just want you to be sure," Jensen persisted.

"I am sure. I love you," Jared answered truthfully. He knew he had never been so certain of anything in his life. "I don't care if you have wheels. You could have wings for all I care. It doesn't change a damn thing. I love you Jensen Ackles," Jared enunciated each word so Jensen couldn't mistake his meaning.

"I ...," Jensen started to say. He flushed again feeling guilty for asking the question but Jared's truthful answer, of that Jensen was certain, made things easier, made his worries magically disappear, and more importantly made him love Jared a little bit more.

"No don't say anything," Jared leaned closer, interrupting. "You take my breath away with your beauty and your courage. You're everything to me. My strength. My love. Everything I will ever want. Today. Tomorrow. For always. I want to kiss away all your pain. And you're not getting away with just sitting on your pretty ass... because you can kiss away all my pain. I love you and don't you damn well forget it," he leaned forwards kissing Jensen softly.

"I love you too Jared," Jensen whispered. "I just .... just kinda wanted you to feel sure. You know," he cocked his head to one side, hoping with all his heart that Jared understood his reasons for asking the questions, the reasons for his doubts.

"I know," Jared nodded in understanding. "And I have never been surer about anything in my whole life."

"I'm sorry," Jensen mumbled staring down at the floor. "For asking. I shoulda never doubted you. I don't doubt. I never have. I never will."

"Idiot," Jared bumped Jensen's shoulder. Jensen smiled knowing that Jared had forgiven him. "You make me so happy," Jared expressed as he reached into his pocket. "Here," he leaned over closing Jensen's fingers over something cold, something metallic.

Jensen looked down, opening his fingers one by one, already knowing what Jared had placed in his hand. Jared's grandfather's watch lay in his palm glinting in the sunlight. "I can't," he looked across at Jared. "This is precious to you. It's all you have of your grandfather."

"Yeah you can. I want you to have it," Jared closed Jensen's fingers over the watch again. "And I know he would be happy that you're looking after it. For both of us. It's my way of saying that I'm not going anywhere," he said earnestly.

"Thank you," Jensen couldn't think of anything else to say. He leaned over and kissed Jared. "I'll treasure it forever."

Jared smiled, hearing the hidden message, deciding that being treasured forever by Jensen sounded pretty good to him. "Hey," he jumped to his feet. "There's two chairs down there with our names on them," Jared pointed down to the beach where he had positioned two white garden chairs between the sand dunes. "How about we watch the sunset together? We could hold hands and stuff," he suggested, a hint of mischief in his eyes. "Do lots of kissing. And I am such an awesome kisser. It's an offer you can't refuse dude," Jared smirked.

Jensen rolled his eyes in amusement. "Sounds like my kind of sunset," he agreed with a wide smile.

"Piggy back or elevator?" Jared asked, cocking his head to one side, a hopeful expression on his face.

"Piggy back," Jensen answered with another smile, knowing that he had made the right decision when Jared beamed happily at him. Jensen liked to be as independent as he could, but he was slowly learning that it didn't make him a lesser man if he gave into Jared every now and again. It made Jared happy that he was helping in some small way and Jensen really did like the piggy backs.

"Man. I knew you were a sucker for my piggy backs," Jared quipped. "Piggy back junkie," he accused lightly as he turned offering Jensen his back.

"I like hugging you," Jensen retorted as he pulled himself up onto Jared's back, wrapping his arms around his neck. "And this way I can kiss your neck," he said mischievously. "Drive your ass crazy with my nibbling."

Jared laughed out loud as he straightened up. He liked teasing Jensen. Wrapping his arms around Jensen's ass and lower back, he made sure that the older man was secure on his back, legs hooked over his hips, before mock-galloping towards the steps. "One sunset and lots of hugs and kissing coming up."

"Freak," Jensen couldn't help giggling as they made their way down to the chairs on the beach.

"Your freak forever," Jared said softly turning his head to look back at Jensen. He knew, in his heart, that he had finally found what he had been searching for since the death of his grandfather. Jared looked up, thanking whoever was up there, for making him get off the bus, for making him walk into the Agency and ask for a job. His search was over - he had found Jensen. Jared grinned.

"Yeah forever," Jensen agreed as he rested his head on Jared's shoulder. He knew, deep down, that Jared was in his life to stay, would be part of his life forever. The warm feeling bubbled up inside him again and he grinned, happy. "Now get your ass in gear or we'll miss the sunset."

"Yes sir," Jared gave a small salute and headed towards the chairs and their future together.


End file.
